I am sorry I tried calling you that one time
when I was drunk off lonely and whiskey and Four Loko.

It’s just that your hands were so good at keeping
me together. My body still sometimes collapses into the shape

of your mouth. I am such a soft, malleable thing, and it has taken me
too long to realize that you are also this. More important,

that you are more than my memories. That you exist free
and independent of my life. That my idea of you that crosses

my empty highway mind is not you. And with this, I am so sorry
for all the nights I tried to split your heart open just so

I had a place to rest. I did not understand how you were no
longer me anymore, how the you I had in me was a postcard

and not the city. Forgive the fury, the angry prayers tossed towards
the dark of my 3AM ceiling that were meant for your neck.

You were asleep that night where we started to break, and my skin
felt taut and sunburned, so red and wanting to scream, but Cassidy

told me that it makes sense why this was so frustrating. The rusting
of four years should make me mad. It meant I cared. And I still do.

And I still get the urge to hollow my arms so you can fit better, you
this new person who has grown and loved and spilled over into

a newer night. I forget so often that I can’t carry you like I once did,
and that you don’t know how to hold me anymore.

Even now, I’m still apologizing.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

You were freer than a free verse
And even sonnets could not keep you.

Tonight we got drunk on papayas,
Sitting on the sidewalk sipping
drinks, careless laughter
exploding from our mouths when
the moon split itself
Down our throats. In the messy
medley of the night I felt you on

my skin, remember:

How I lost myself in the fine lines
Of your lips where you claim
Your flaws fall into.

How I tried to swallow them like
apricots and how - in almost exact reciprocation
Of the same passion -
your eyelid moves which say:
I love you as much as I love God.

You are four light years away
And tonight I got drunk on papayas.

This is not a poem because
Sonnets could not keep you safe
And free verses compete but lose
Their flame, for

Like a landslide you let love slide,
I let love leave then.

Please love me, although I have loved before.
Please know that even if
I have worshiped foreign hands,
Marveled at constellation eyes,
Shed tears for other minds and hearts
That tore from me some brutal, awesome love,
Know that nobody has ever made me feel safe
For any measurable length of time.
That not one of them ever stopped in the midst of kissing me to say
"You are just so beautiful."
The way you did, Lover,
2
3
4 times,
Just yesterday.
That all the flowers I ever gave them,
All the gifts and poems and artwork
All those things to show my love
Were tolerated
The way the sun is tolerated on a blistering summer day
Because to escape from it would be too difficult.
Know that I always knew that,
Felt it from them,
Felt shame for it.
And no matter how many photographs I have obsessively taken
Of a face I thought they must have molded the face of the sun after in every ancient carving,
Know that she never wanted me to see her.
And that that
COUNTS.
You looking up at me from those white sheets, Lover,
And never glancing away in embarrassment or apprehension
Counts:
Skin
Counts
To someone who has been held at arm's length for so many years.
Kisses count,
And I count them, every single one soothing the ache of the losses I never asked
To suffer.
It is true, you are not my first love.
But never have you pushed me away.
Never have you shut me down,
Never
Have you been cruel to me.
And all this
I find it counts
More than the awe I felt for those who would abuse me,
More than the fear and loss and devotion and destruction that they demanded
And then blamed me for the consequences of.
Although I have loved before,
Please, please, please love me now,
For that is something you can be
First at,
Lover.

She lives so far away
At the other end of my world
That far she would not say
So far that it hurts my soul
When she is about to fall asleep
Here, my clock says bip bip
She greets me with a Good morning sunshine
That instantly makes me feel fine
But when it is her turn for a few hours to disappear
Into sadness I am about to fall near.

You poured into me
like cream into coffee.
Quickly.
Beautifully.
And once it began,
impossible to stop.
You dove into my core,
Swirling.
Binding.
Redefining.

You didn’t try to destroy
the dark parts of me.
You embraced them,
kissed them
gently.
Lightening the dark,
by sharing the burden.
You told me my strength
was beautiful.
And that being strong
doesn’t have to mean
being alone.

We were unassuming yet
extraordinary.
And I grew comfortable in the close quarters
of our singular pronoun.

Life without you now is
like giving up coffee;
It’s so hard to wake up.
Until one day,
it’s not.

I'll *******,
If you want.
Cause I want it
Just as bad as you do.
But I also want to hear the rustle of the sheets
When you turn over in the middle of the night.
I want to feel your hot breath on my neck.
I want the stubble on your chin to graze my cheek
As you kiss me gently on the forehead.
And when I whisper "goodnight," you don't have to reply.
Just nudge me with your knee
Or poke me with your elbow.

Movieplex
resting in the arms of chairs and the opposite ***
lazy drifting between the lines of attention
piano suspended
something she mentions:
"beautiful key to my heart you are reckless,
diving inside of my lungs and i'm breathless, and headless"
beating heart blinking
pumping and pulsing, alpha boundless.
veins dilated and racing away, pulls us to eachother
our veins congregate.
swim in my comfort, conform to my form
and I promise to perform the same ways to yours.
becoming a being so pure of refrain;
darling we're starlight, eternal sustain<3

Insufflate her, let her **** the pain
Let her rearrange your mind
Let her fly inside your veins
letters are just a medium
for what I can't explain
the soft at first, but lasting hurt
of cuddling with flames
It doesn't matter
nothing does but her
let her be your world
let her even be the sciences
behind her tilt and swirl
let her change you
let her help you stay the same
stay the same
let her **** you
let her smile and float away
float away.

The sun is a star in someone else's sky
The earth is a dust fleck, drifting on by
The moon is nothingness, just barely there
Between non-existence and thought caught on air.

Maybe you're nothing, and then so am I
But to me you are everything seen by these eyes.