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 May 2014
Chalsey Wilder
I'll pretend
Once again
That I don't feel bad
I'll pretend that I don't feel anything at all
While I slowly strip my walls that are already empty and stranded
While I quickly rediscover how depressed my soul is and how hollow the hole in my heart is
I'll pretend
Once again
That I'm okay,
but on the inside I don't feel like being here at all
I just want to wallow and listen to music until I have to pretend again or figure out how to end my pain
So I'll pretend
That once again
That I don't feel sad
I'll pretend that nothing hurts me until I wallow again
I pretend a lot lately.
 May 2014
Julie Butler
I remember first your sentences
I remember next your voice
I remember all the time you took
I remember all your books
what does it mean right now
to remember everything
when I'm breaking you in half
like you don't mean anything
that's not a fact at all
you see
I love you everyday
I miss you every second
there's just something in the way
my brain I feel is killing me
I'll hate myself tomorrow
I ****** up all the things I love
like knives it feels i've swallowed
day by day I take this
and day by day you cry
I need to level out this strife
I hear you begging me to try
I lay down by myself at night
at night is when I die
cause every second that I take
is one i've let go by
I fear my own indignance
and this guilt builds homes inside me
like i'm living for myself
but now this time it feels like dying
I cannot live inside a lie
too hard for me to swallow
I pray everyday
that I can better my tomorrow
I hope that when you read this
it does not make you sad
I hope that all your days are full
of hope for what you have
this life we live is all too short
we're all under it's spell
the moon, she tells me every night
to live a life un-dwelled
I try to remember this when the sun is
blaring light
and she is also telling me
there's no life without a fight
 May 2014
Mikaila
You say
Get angry.
Well
If I get angrier
It will poison me.
Too loud,
Too much,
Too needy,
Too fragile,
Too raw.
Be quiet,
Be better,
Be reasonable,
Be mature,
Be gracious,
Be
Sorry.
I am so angry that tears do no good.
I am so angry that violence
Does no good.
I am so angry that lungs
Do no good.
If I were to cry enough to match the heat of my rage
I would boil.
If I were to hit as hard as I hurt
I would crack open the earth and crawl inside
Tear out its heart and swallow it
And the pressure of my fury would press it into a pebble.
If I were to scream loud enough to dull my thoughts
The glass would blow out in stabbing shards
From every window and revolving door
And melt in molten pools into the soil.
This body
Is not durable enough
For this soul.
I know it. I have seen.
It is like living in a china doll.
I can break it just by breathing.
How is it that somebody can speak
And a rib snaps?
A decision made
And blood wells?
I am sick
And I cannot tell if my disease is my mind
Or my stupid,
Listless,
Hopelessly inadequate casing.
I burn through it like acid,
And it suffers and complains
And I have grown so **** tired of hearing its
Aches and pains,
Its needs,
Its failings and betrayals.
I have been cruel to it and it has been cruel to me
For we are a poor match
But we are all there is
And all there has ever been
And I beg it to work with me
And it begs me to be different
Just like everybody else does
Just like I
Beg me to be different.
But I'm not.
I am this
And I can't help but think that maybe there is a chance
That I can expand
That I can reach out through these eyes
And touch something.
The world is so delightfully raw
And I can't tell
When I reach for it
If it recoils
Or if I do.
You have told me to be angry.
Has it ever occurred to you
That my vulnerability was learned?
That my weakness was imposed?
That my kindness only exists
Because of how horribly
Horribly angry I am?
If I could emerge from this...thing
I would touch the ground and level every city for a hundred miles
If I could be what I am
I would destroy everything I looked upon
Not through any malice
But through simple release
Because it is my nature, my way.
Earthquakes are not good or evil.
Fire, lightning. They do not discriminate.
They only touch
And things happen.
I could touch
And things would happen.
This body is my restraining order.
My reminder to control myself
My rebuke for my craving to be vast
My constant and insincere apology.
This body and I,
We don't hate one another,
We are just opposites. We are just two things
That destroy each other.
It is so fragile and light
And I watch from inside
Snarling
I watch and people pity me
People abuse me
People underestimate me
People
Force
Me.
I quietly let them condemn me for the covering I wear
Because I know nothing else.
It is an agony, to never be seen.
It is a punishment I have been searching for reasons for.
And yet when the light has touched me, and I have been truth
Whenever I have been witnessed in full
I have been loathed with such vitriolic venom that
My poor little shell quaked
Pale and skittering
My small white hands fluttered like moths immolating themselves in the flames of my heart
Too foolish or too mad
To resist their craving for warmth even when it turns them to ash.
You try it
You try
Taking a risk
When you know that your nine lives are down to one
You try flying
When you've got moth wings and the breath of a phoenix.
There is something
Burning
In here
And I've never wanted anything more than to show it to the world
Except to live
Except to continue
And so I hesitate.
You tell me to be angry.
You don't know what you are speaking to.
I have worn this body not like armor but like glass
And it has carried me like a ticking time bomb
But if I know one thing
And honestly
Just now
I only do
If I know one thing
It is that, like the sun,
Even if I am scalding hot with chaos and held together by fear
Even if I am, after all, untouchable
I will always rise.
Title is a quote from Andrea Gibson's poem "I Sing The Body Electric, Especially When My Power Is Out"
 May 2014
---
I'm officially crazy
Both about you
And otherwise

— The End —