In depths of my unfathomable psyche
Submerged I find myself floating around in the ‘shallow’ societal sea of our world.
Oh but it is not ‘shallow’ you’ll see
It is a deep blue ocean that withholds great mystery;
& those who see it as ‘shallow’
Are only those who stand in clouds of constant oblivion; Ceasing the inhale of beauty, intellect, and individuality.
In the depths of my unfathomable psyche
Throughout every passing day
I observe, I listen, and I take into account the things that are done and said by every individual person I come across.
Now here I sit, in the complete abduction of the beautiful, yet merciless monster called insomnia, without fail of corse accompanied by her sister solitude;
& I reflect.
In the depths of my unfathomable psyche
I realize that in order to best express the realization of my reflection…
I must let my walls down; so I will.
And now that I have…
The word to describe the feeling that takes over ‘me’ in this very moment is one that acquires the ability to depict ones exact feelings in a way I do not obtain.
In the depths of my unfathomable psyche
I feel lonely because I know that the odds of me meeting someone as insane as me are slight; yet I feel appreciative because I couldn’t imagine possessing such an ugly, close minded, and indifferent insight.
I feel a type of sadness that could only emerge from a person that fears never getting to experience the comfort that comes from acceptance; yet i feel overwhelming excitement and longing in the midst of my hopeless romantic type daydream of the possibility that I will find my somebody that does not seek to comprehend or figure me out but will accept ever corner and color I currently am and everything I have yet to become
I feel pitty for the average;
Yes I am not sane
Yes I am not average
And yes the depths of my true thoughts I have not learned to control; but my insanity is and will always be the fuel to my potential.

He seems to take my hurt
my tears
my mistakes.
Use them with his tongue
say failure without a slight change
in his voice
his posture.
I feel smaller than krill
in his vast ocean,
in the dark he keeps me
from reaching the light
from being me.
I've lost the smile in  my eyes
months of crying have darken them.
Secretly i wish he would go away
but how would i exist if he was gone.
I hate him but i am desperately
horribly, sickening in love
with him.
I doubt he knows this
for i keep everything in.
A big ship of secrets that he knows
while inside a trap door are more.
He promised to leave me if i said more
than the ones he knows.
So I'm keeping them hidden
until he goes away
But how can i exist
if he was to go away.

There were ways and there are ways
Ways chosen by you, and when ways choose you
Different from the usual ways
Or the most crowded ways, which everyone takes
The pathways to leading to a way
Erratically, frantically, rushing towards the common way
You are just another one amongst the crowd
Crowded ways, where you do not get a foothold
Barely managing to be pushed along the way of beaten path
An addiction, to find the seemingly easier way
For, our minds have become concrete, like the pathway
Concrete thoughts of about the way of the world
Trampled dreams and losing the way, leading nowhere
A distant goal, which is more like a hallucination
We sway this way and that way, influenced by the common ways
Becoming wayward, and dropping off midway
Clichéd as it may seem- ‘to take the road less traveled’
It’s now time to carve a new way, which is your way
Trust your instincts, and walk away on the pathway, to reach your destination




© Amitav (Radiance)

And if the piano breaks it's because each time you kiss me it feels like I've taken a bullet to the brain.
Today, I looked into your eyes and saw nothing but forever.
I think that maybe, if you took my hand, we could fight infinity.

I've never believed in God, but ****, I think you're my religious awakening; THIS is a baptismal revival.
I think I was dead until the day we met- you give me life.
Whispers: "safe, safe, safe."
She strikes a key to play me out of tune.

What does she look like in the dark?
What do you wear when you're alone? (I wear the black pendulum)
Seastar, starfish, lover, oh how I'm suffocating on my anguish.
Convince me to forgive him, and then I will try and forgive myself for all that he has broken.
For the ***** nights, the rancid sheets, ten years of filth- it would take an eternity to scrub out my stains- ugly.
Whispers: "****, ****, ****."
Screams: "daddy please, daddy no, daddy no, stop it!"
It's hushed up by the sounds of the broken piano- the unforgiving black sacrament.

Steel and skin, forgiveness and pain.
You can only hide for so long; sleepmonger, deathmonger, counting sheep. When will these childhood nightmares end?! Oh.

So, 1, 2, 3, 4, who's that looming at my door?
5, 6, 7, 8, he calls it love, she calls it ****.
9, 10, 11, 12, he put her though ten years of hell.
13, 14, 15, 16, who could love her scars- so distinct?
17, 18, 19, 20, fall for me; so sick of running.

(a.m.) 05/05/14

~
Don't you cry tonight



Give me a whisper and give me a sigh

Those soft words following the emotions in your eyes
Exhaling poetry on my whimpered dreams
Take from me all that I can give while
reaching for that sunset…a distant prism of light

Give me a kiss before you, tell me goodbye

Soft lips in sad shapes, downturned towards darkened fears
Moist as they meet in wilted wishes
Walking away…a silhouette of that which I long for
As tears drift on questioned zephyrs

Don't you take it so hard now and please don't take it so bad

To know this feeling, I swear I don’t
Still calling out in echoed chants flowing naked valleys
Hoping you hear, praying you smile, asking you to listen
Before the moon fractures in cosmic sorrow

I'll still be thinkin' of you and the times we had...baby

Eternal visions find you and me, hand in hand
Dancing on quiet shores, melodic surf rhythms
In memories of what once was, what should be
and the stars drip into anguished teacups pleading

*Don’t you cry tonight…

~

Dumb Founded

Falling
headfirst,
tumbling in the fever,
clawing at the sides,
though not really wanting to stop

(slowing the pace of pleasure)

Faster,
harder it comes,
long as it is wide,
visions pass in rapid colors,
scenes of grandeur and promise smile

(sandy shores whisper hello)

Deeper
into this world
I move, dreaming
carving a future
on an illusion’d desiring mind

(beautiful landscapes for two)

Endless?
So it seems,
for light emits
in rose colored filters
from reaches of heart shape eyes

(and I breathe in the exotic aroma)

Destiny,
fate holds
answers so long
of waiting and hoping,
when with a thud I reach the bottom

(no smiley face welcome mats here)

Darkness,
no one home,
only a muddied mirror hangs
swinging on a stone wall,
in its reflection is found my “deepest” fear

(I am indeed as dumb as I look)

Tomorrow, two days after my
Father's birthday,
It is the funeral of
My girlfriend's
Old man.

To feel the kiss of celebration on
One cheek, and the jab of the
Opposite on the other
In a one-two-combination
Leaves even hardened boxers
Rocked.

The world is a spinning
Record.
We all dance
Until we drop.
Until the music stops.

~

If you were mine…



If you were mine…our footsteps would

dance on moonlit verandas
while candle lit flickerings enticed my smiled reflections
with your arms tightly around me

symphonies would play to the rhythm of your charm
as we swayed in the essence of forever
on cloud soft concertos of affection’s melodic whispers

eternal echoes would sing in harmony to your eyes,
hauntingly dark invitations to my endless destination,
soothing reflections comforting weathered longings

If you were mine…satin beaches would

eclipse tan line passions
beneath glistening waves of aquamarine salt water bliss
gently caressing the depth of our love

palm leaf shadows of cooling design would weave embracing patterns
of ocean fed breezes tickling our naked forms
as sea foam fingers probe pearl smooth valleys

sunset tides would tease beneath star orchid heavens
blooming of every wished for fantasy…
lasting happily ever after upon sandcastles dreams


If you were mine…my life would

be a mosaic of delirious euphoric visions
in constant creative motion delivering sincerely
every ounce of joy your heart could desire

painted in the sweet essence of everything that is your spirit
vibrant in wonders of fragrant poetic offerings
versed in accordance with your every need

believing that happiness can begin with a smile,
walk along endless streams of worshiped blessings,
remaining satisfied and forevermore yours

If you were mine…oh, if you were mine

i am a blank canvas 
he is the painter to my soul
caresses of color
bring wonder to the minds eye
a focusing of self 
and it all locks into place
a moment of perfection
that brilliantly shines rapidly outwards
golden, and pink,
and soft cream
followed by wine red
soft and dark purple and ripples of silver
covered in deep liquid prussian blue

my mind is churning
but my paper is blank
how could you
how could you
how could you
i need you
i need you
i need you
why did you ignore me but keep talking to her
why didnt you tell me what happened
why am i not enough
i need you

and they walked on like clouds float on
the blood red sun on rivers run
waterfalls you see flow one way
and molds don't notice what they decay

a quiet drum to quell those flashes
canvas white for bold stroked splashes
pointedly naming because of growth grown
awake again because of what my mind knows

bearing what brunt? this is the purpose
in the thicket noises form onslaughts
planting bones to grow dreams lost
and these eyes are sharper now
cutting through balloons in air

I want to hope for old eyes, as if growth was easy