Please know if you have been in my life this is for you

This is for my mom who was always judgmental
Who was unsympathetic
Who on multiple occasions threatened my life if I cut myself
Because that totally made sense

This is for my father
For moving in and out of my life
More often than my taste in music changes
Who always says he wants to start fresh
Unaware you cannot erase the past
Or fill in the blank places in my memory when you weren't there

This is for cancer
For stealing my first best friend at seven
And everyone around me expecting me to know how to handle it

This is for my first love
Who came into my life at a mere eleven
You too moved in and out of my life
You have broken  me infinite times
You have made me feel unloved and alone
Even when you were suppose to at least be a friend
You can't seem to understand that you
Are my first love and as such I will never stop loving you
You have used me before and even that couldn't sever it
I wonder when you proposed at fifteen if you loved me
I mean it's clear who loved who most in the end isn't it

This is for the man who sodomized me at thirteen
You were probably in your 30's
Didn't speak much English
But you knew I was young
Did you know my mother called me a ***** after?

This is for the man who stole my virginity at fourteen
Who was at least ten years older than me
You kissed me one day
Invited me in the next
Promised you wouldn't take off your shorts if I didn't take off mine
And instead took off both of ours

This is for the elementary teacher who saw him kissing me
And instead of stopping it closed her window

This is for my depression and anxiety
That started at twelve and still hasn't ended at twenty
The cuts never scarred me and that always upset me

This is for the two boys who used my depression as a gateway
To use my body
Who ****** me at fourteen
Who pressured me until I gave in
Who wouldn't leave my house until they finished

This is for me
For hating myself so much I'd let anyone use me back then

This is for my first high school boyfriend
Who forced his hand down my pants after I ended it
And who I had to crawl away from so he would stop

This is for my " best friend" and her boyfriend
Who at sixteen brought me to their place to study
And instead held me down together
So that he could **** me
And then pretend like nothing ever happened
It was not easy telling my first love about that
We were dating so he assumed I was confessing to cheating
Even when I clearly said it was **** to the couple
My love went out and got a ******* from a ******* as revenge
He didn't tell me for almost a year

This is for my first friend with benefits
Who called me "baby, sugarplum, princess"
Who ****** me once a week
Who texted me every moment of everyday
Who made me feel special and cared for
Who made me want him
But suddenly got a girlfriend
Not that it stopped him from sending me pictures
Or telling me how he wants to touch me

This is for any man who seemed interested
****** me or used me in another way
And then never spoke to me again

This is for the guy who desperately wanted to date me at nineteen
I can forgive you for the rancid way you smelled
And I can forgive the fact that you didn't close the door
Whenever you used the bathroom
Or that you made me smell like cigarettes
But I can't forgive the fact that you ignored me
When I said no and stop and cried as you ***** me
And I will never forget the aggressive growl you let out

This is for my second and last friend with benefits
You wouldn't kiss me or touch me
Just take from me
I was an object to you
You wanted to date me but I knew the type of man you were
Infamous for being a player
And just two months ago when you assaulted me
Moments before your new girlfriend showed up
You laughed at me and said you were just playing
But being held by my neck and grabbed at
While saying no and stop didn't feel like a joke to me
I wanted to tell her but someone said you broke up
And when I finally had the courage to say something
Everyone, including my best friend yelled at me

This is for the guy who was my best friend
Who had claimed to like me for nearly five years
And when I'm finally ready to give him a chance
He uses me and tells me he still has a girlfriend
After asking me out just the day before

This is for the loneliness that is setting in

This is for my best friend who yelled at me for waiting
Who complained to me last night about being sad
When she has everything I have ever wanted
She has the fiance, is pregnant, and has a career in a field she loves
But sometimes even the world isn't good enough

This is for all of my dreams
I was three when I started wanting to find love
I was ten when I started wanting motherhood
I was eleven when I wanted to work with animals
I was eighteen when I felt like I lost my soulmate
I was seventeen when the doctors said I might not be a mom
I was nineteen when anxiety and depression sent me running
From every classroom in tears and wanting to die.

This is for you so you know when I cry
It's because of all of this
It's because everyone I have ever counted on
Everyone who should of been there hasn't
It is because I have been broken more ways than I can count
And it is a miracle I am alive
Because for years I swore to end it all at eighteen
Here I am an unhappy twenty though
Still waiting for it to "get better".

the brass tacks have hit the mat
encased in melting candle wax
from a candle on the floor
in the darkest room
in the house.

there might be a way to look at that
and not go mad
when you know what it means... you're -
Never prepared for That.



struck blind in the eye inside,
you could almost die
and you want too.
when a light goes out,
and you're plagued with doubt
and you don't do things...
because Why?
and Icebergs are known
to roam these waters
for real.

this is so
real.
this is so
real.

Question:- What hurt you the most?
Answer:-** My own thoughts.

She rose from the waters

Of couse she was wet

Her hair mingled in moss

rigor mortis ? not yet !

I stood for cautious

My heart cried out in fear

FOOL ! don't go any closer

This is certainly most weird

She left watery footsteps

As she ascended the hill

To the abandon cemetery

Where all rested so still

There on a knoll

She spread out a cover

Sat down and awaited her lover

A screech by a cat

A hoot of the owl

And in the air

A stench so evil and foul

She rose to her feet

As he appeared in the gloom

They embraced

By the light of the moon

His eyes were live coals

His breath sulphur hot

His clothes were impeccable

His skin dried and taut

Together they sat

But there was nary a word

When he bent over and kissed her

There was a sizzling heard

He stripped her bare

of her watery rags

And they made unholy love

It sure made me gag

The clouds in the sky

How quickly they flew

The moon was so embarrassed  

That he turned blackest of blue

It's not the way you looked
It's the way you felt inside
The horizon is always booked
That's okay , I say with a sigh

Our days are long ago history
Our love just seemed to pass by
Tumbling into time's mystery
Leaving nuances between sad and why

I rub the rib I'm missing so
I no longer care to fight
I'm just wishing that you could know
How dark it is without your light

There is more than one star
Harboring in the sky tonight
But I'm looking just for one , so far
With all my earthly might

It's too bad you left me stranded.
Kept your heart to Yourself
when you landed.
Swept away, -
I came right back
for you....
I did all the things
that did nothing
for you....
Apparently -
Love is a needful chorus.
A song in a drum
with a melody -
foreign...
like every Tree you can't See
For the Forest...
or
the spotless Love
you blame for
It....

I like to roll in thunder
Smoke lightning all night long
I like to drink dark whiskey
From a large hollow log
Mama just shook her head
That one's gonna be a dog

I like to shake those snakes and bones
Give me spades with five cards down
I ain't into living
But it sure beats underground
And I'll meet my maker
In the alley back around

I like mean hearted women
I like to make em squeal
They always come back for seconds
Saying "Is this guy for real"
But they find that I moved on
I like the smell of burning wheels

I like rolling in thunder
Drinking white lightning from a jar
Don't wait up for me baby
I'm aready gone too far

By bye !

P.S. - Don't you even think about calling .

some of the dust in the air had settled
upon the silver kettle, that did not sing.
my face was on the surface
but the grain was obliteration
and clarity was lost.
i smoked a dim cigarette and wondered
after the creaks in the attic -
and this atmosphere.
i called out, with my shut lips.
staring at a spot on the wall...
in my usual apparel.

and absent.