Where diamonds tumble down a mountain stream,
Heaven's torn asunder by an angel’s scream,
A poem to show her my love sublime,
Every word, every verse, every line, every rhyme.
But when I write it down it turns out like this,
Because really I just want her to show me her ****.

I love her and she loves me,
        A carat offered on one knee,
        A Valentine,
        With fizzy wine,
        And a nasty little STD.

Subtle fingers slip towards her ****,
Be Jaysus!
What the fek is that?
Somewhere you have to draw the line.
I draw it where it's bigger than mine.

You’d think that after
All this time I’ve spent typing,
That I could spell “the”.

What a perfect place for a treehouse
In the limbs of that old tree
I'd spend all my time just dreaming
Of what a wonderful time it would be
To be running away from the pirates
Who were after me!

While looking for a place to hide
I'd look up and see
That treehouse snuggled high above
The perfect place for me.

The only way up
Not the way you would think
Was a little old Elf
Sitting there on a shelf
Saying, "I'll give you a boost for a drink"

So I pulled out my cup
And went looking
For water was surely nearby

He said, "Water's not my favorite drink,
                   I'll have a cup of Rye"

I had no Rye to my name
Thinking quickly on my feet
"Let the pirates give him a drink of Rye"

When they go up,
I'll say "Goodbye"

What a perfect place for a treehouse,

If I were only 10 (again}.

What's a Blah! moment?
It's like inflating a large balloon for yourself
And pop it before it enlarges
And all the air goes away
Then you CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

Got it?

It's like baking a cake to yourself
And feed it entirely to a squirrel
You stuff the whole thing in its mouth.

"HEY!!! YOU WANT CAKE????
EAT THIS!!!!"

What a blah moment, indeed!!

The BBC have a new weather girl,
Her hair is blond and her necklace... pearl,
She warns bearded fishermen about rough seas,
While I stand here with my boxers,
Around my knees.

I had to go and see my Doctor
For I was feeling rather dõwn
He took one look and said to me
You need to go out on The town.

He asked are you a heavy drinker
And do you drink alot of wine
I said whisky is my tipple
My preference every time.

He asked if I drink it often
I replied every single night
He laughed and said don't worry
That's perfectly alright.

He asked me what's my favourite blend
I said the Scottish highland malt
That's what they recommended
So the drinkings not my fault.

He asked do you eat much greasy food
Now that's something I can't deny
He suggested cooking frozen chips
They take less time to fry.

I asked Doctor what's your verdict
Is there anything you can do
He replied go out and have some fun
We are humans and our years are few.

So i am glad that I saw my Doctor
Now I am happy and I'm pleased
So go and see your Doctor
He will put your mind at ease.