For the ecstasy
of love
I would have
cut my tongue,

I would have
silenced myself,
suffocated my outrage
for the chance to exist
in the elevated state
of her embrace.

I would have
slowly sliced
the essentials
of my identity
to feed said addiction.

So, in losing
even the illusion
of the chance of love
I am freed from
the strangle hold
that it would have.

Even though,
these are the truths
that I know,
I am certain
that I would
happily relapse.

Listen too you don't listen too me
For i am already free as can be
Your angry at you not me
You hide behind a fake name
Your true name holds no shame
Or no fame
Don't pass the blame on someone else
Look at yourself
Don't judge me
Judge yourself
You have no right too pass the blame
Use that flame your fire within
Too start too heal
Start to begin
If unhappy
Not yet free
Look at yourself
Not me.

Sometimes pills are negative
They **** and they hurt those around them
But what about
When they are needed?

I remember growing up
And seeing my aunt get slower
And slower
Because of the physical and psychological pain she has

I remember her
Turning from a happy person
Into a moody
Bitter person

I remember the happiness
Turn to saddness
Because of the pain
And no one could help her

The government ******* her over
Broke her down
Made her weak
And it continues to do just that

Ive had to help
Her out of the tub
Because the tub is too deep
And she is too physically weak

I saw her emotional strength
Get weaker
And weaker
With everyone of her brothers passing

I saw her cry
When her mother, my grandma
Forgot that her son passed away
And my aunt
Just made her break down

I saw her face
When my grandma
Couldn't remember simple things
And she couldn't hug her.

I saw the saddness
And the anger
When she realised
We dont have enough money for food

I saw the tough love
She used on me
Because she knows i can do better
I know it too

I saw many sides of my aunt
Mostly sad sides
But the side i saw today
Was one that i thought id never see

I came in
To a quiet home
No yelling
No sounds

Then i heard a giggle
I heard my brother giggle
As he always does
As he played his little... **** game?

I saw my uncle
Cook his famous spaghetti
And he made some
Homemade garlic bread

And finally
I saw my aunt
Lay on her bed, reading a magazine
I assumed she was in pain

I asked he what was wrong
And she said "nothing"
"Im just waiting for the pills to kick in"
"There for depression, and anxiety"

We sat together for dinner
Something we havent done in a while
And we talked calmly
And everything was fine for at least a little bit

For the longest time i thought that
Pills hurt everyone
Pills harm everyone
But i just realised

How selfish i was being
To my aunt mom
Who has done everything she could and more
To try and make me
Have a painfree life
So for once
Thank you pills
For coming to her rescue

It is the heart of me
that she does not
even bother to see,
a red bridge that breaks
collapsing into
a darker crimson pool,
I set this mess
before her,
expose my scars,
as I worship hers,
whisper gentle affections,
promise fierce protection,
but she turns away
unswayed by the fruits
of my heart,
and I turn away
forgetting the self-love
I struggled to attain
and succumb to
that old familiar pain.

It is a possessor’s fury,
false identity
unearned aspect
of desire denied,
pursuing that
which does not want
to be pursued
by you.

So, she places you
in a friends position,
which should be enough,
even though you are
truly in love,
and you try
to be satisfied
while she tells you
about these other guys,
alcoholic abuser,
toxic users,
who gets her drunk
so they can **** her,
while you want to
hold and protect her.

One day she tells you
how great they are,
the next time you see her
they are *******,
but she just goes
right back,
and your pain grows,
transforms to rage
and turns inwards
cause you know
for her to choose
those dudes
who hurt her
over you
must mean
there is something
spectacularly wrong with you.

I think its funny
How some people don't approve of the way a person is
They say, "don't shove it down my throat!"
"Leave it in the bedroom!"
Yet they make out in-front of them
And they preach their religion
Until the other person gets sick of hearing how
"Its Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve'
They preach hate
And say its the same one
That preaches love
The same religion, that does not like hypocrites
Oh and if anyone else
Who is religious
And sees it a different way
Who sees the good in people
And loves them for who they are
Not who they love
The hypocrites will preach that
"They are not good enough"
Now isn't that hilarious?