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connecting with you
on this level
of openness
has really helped me
to learn
and relearn
a lot of things
about myself

i have tucked away
so much
to try
and fit
into
the lives
of the people
i’ve loved
over the years

whether friends,
family,
or partners
i try to be open
in the beginning
and if i really
like the person
and they seem offended
or turned off
by something
i mention,
i usually weigh the decision
of whether to keep
the person
or
keep the habit

but it’s so different
with you
we’re just
two freaks of nature
who seem to click
in the weirdest
and most fun ways

even when
we tell each other
really ****** up ****
it doesn’t send
the other running

if anything
i feel like the ways
we’ve been able
to open up
have brought us
way closer together

it’s now
or forever
or something

i dunno, babe

i’ve been drinking

****, i love you

but what am i thinking?
covered in confusion
and blinded
by excitement
trying to find
the middle ground
between
complacency,
enlightenment,
and
always
being frightened

it’s crazy to
think
about
how much
yet
how little
i’ve seen
and done

to think about
how much better
or
worse
i could’ve
become
but where’s the fun?
that **** is gone
it’s charred
beyond
well done

now is real
and here’s the deal
this is how i feel

let’s be us
and don’t fuss,
i just mean
you be you
and i’ll be me
the we
we’ll be
will not
keep us
from being free

but we can
make new mistakes
to share
we can know
each other
if we dare

we can be there
when the other
needs someone
to care

and when
the day
shines
its light on us
when we
look into
each other’s eyes
with your face
next to mine
i hope
we’ll flip each other off
at the same time
so we can laugh
again
about how
in so many ways
we’re the same person
but we could still
teach
each other
a few lessons

and if things
should worsen
i’ll be here
to listen to you cursin’
and however i can
i’ll help you
lessen your burden

freedom is what
we both seem to crave
i’m trying to take the steps
forward
i’ll try
to be
brave

and if you end up deciding
that this is all too exciting
and your current reality
is where you want to stay
and i don’t quite
fit in
to what you
have planned
today
i’ll stand back
and fade away

i just don’t
want to be
in the way

the street signs
are all blurry
and i’m not
quite sure
where i’m going
in such a hurry
but my brakes
are out of order
and i have no choice
but to
keep
moving
forward
right now
time only serves
to torment me

taking all the best moments
and erasing them
a little bit at a time
until i can barely
recall the things
i used to care about

the world around me
is often
suffocating
making me feel
as if a boa constrictor
is squeezing
tightly around me

i have been crushed
into little
ugly
icky
piles of dust
because of my
inability
to avoid
falling in lust
and the amount of times
i‘ve left my heart out in the rain
it’s just layered
and coated
in rust

i am stuck
on repeat
like a skipping
disk
always taking
a risk
when i find myself
getting too comfortable
then letting
all my progress
go to ****

my brain
is sometimes
kinda smart
but my heart
is the biggest idiot
which is why
so often
i try not to admit
the stupid ****
that hides
deep inside of it

the life i thought i knew
is crumbling beneath me
and i keep falling through
hitting each and every obstacle
that has found its way
into my existence
there’s no point
in showing resistance
i keep falling and falling
but i never
finish
going
the distance
 Apr 15
Arlo Disarray
i want
to see
the world
before i die

i want to
experience
all sorts
of adventures
and learn
to feel
alive

i spent
my early years
focused on trying
to keep
my mom happy
with me
so there’d
be
no dying

then after
years
being there
for my dad
when he
had cancer
and was really sick
he got better
but for
his mental
health
there was
no answer

moving on
to being
used
and
abused
by men
that were
far beyond
my years
and really good
at spreading
tears

to make me
feel worthless
as they’d
break me
into
a disgusting
pile
of goo

**** those
*******
*******
in my
young
adult
years
that tried
their best
to break me down
to
a
little
gummy worm

sour
yet sweet
but always
squishy
in a way
filled with
a sarcastic
but somewhat honest
lil ****
who thinks
way too much
to ever fully forget
what she
can’t say

and then
i stayed
with
and married
the only
decent guy
i ever
dated

no hatred
but we don’t
feel
the same heat
and the burns
we wish to share
are too
mild
and discreet
to be
hot
and sweet

i want to
move forward
with my life
and the feelings
in which
i’ve participated
but i get
so overwhelmed
thinking
about how much
will
go into
making
the changes
i want to

and it makes me
just feel like
giving up
because
i am trapped
so much
of the time

i won’t be
fully yours
as you’re
just
a little bit
of mine

and time…
yeah, **** time

sand drops
grain
by
grain
as my brain
grows
more insane
and my dreams
are all
of you
and how you’re
close
yet
so
*******
estranged
 Apr 14
Arlo Disarray
i’ve been thinking
a lot
about my life today
and it’s been
making me
feel
pretty ******

i’ve done a lot of ****
i shouldn’t have

i’ve hurt good people

i’ve let my impulses
guide me
into dark corners
i never should have visited

and whenever
i know
i’m doing something
wrong
it makes me feel
heavy guilt
weighing me down

and then i
always tell myself
why
it was wrong
and that
i’m not
going to do it anymore

and then
i don’t
for a bit

enough time goes by
that i forget
how bad i felt
the last time
i did it

and i do something
******
and selfish
again

the cycle
never seems
to be broken

it doesn’t end
it only begins
slightly shifts
and
then
bends

i can’t seem
to be happy
for more than
a few days
(if i’m lucky)
at a time
and whenever
i feel like
“this will be the thing that helps me”
it is usually
far from
something
that will
actually
help me

i just feel like
i’m really bad
at making decisions

i get overwhelmed
thinking
there’s no point
in me
continuing
my life

i do nothing
but make mistakes
and hurt
myself
and the people
who
supposedly
love me
 Apr 13
Arlo Disarray
i get through times
that i honestly
don’t want to
i dream of days
that are far away
hoping
i’ll eventually
get
to you

but my efforts
are worthless
completely pointless,
really

i know
how
and when
and why
people love me

it never lasts
i’m a fleeting feeling
used
and abused
and only out here
to soften the numbness
to create the false illusion
of something
that will
never
truly
exist
i’m so often
and easily
missed
for things i can never
actually be
sorry.
i’m just me

words are nice
they can create
a facade,
a cozy home
for false feelings
to fester
and mess up
our heads

my life isn’t real
where the ****
are my meds?

i am trying
to exist
but to exit
sounds much cooler
which way is out?
i see the emergency exit
but i’m trying so hard
not to sound the alarm
in my poor attempt
not to take it
oh, my smile?
it’s fine
i mostly fake it

no one seems to know
even though
i’m not
a great liar
but i’m a decent actress
and i can pretend my way
through this mess
in a way
that
only those
who pay attention
will notice

which way is up?
i could try to tell you
but it would only be a guess

you are too good
and too bad
to be true
wouldn’t life just be
a lovely fantasy
with you?
 Apr 12
Arlo Disarray
under construction
this new thing
that we’ve built
covered by
a hovering
obstruction
of guilt

the last time
i felt anything
even close to this
was
never

i want to squish
those bratty lips
into a pucker
like a fish
and give you
an awkward,
but hilarious
kiss
and even though
we’ve not yet
touched
it’s your face
and smile
and voice
that i always miss

this heart
in my chest
says that it
likes you best
and who am i to argue?
why should i
try to protest?
i must confess
that my life
and my mind
are a constant mess
i don’t know if
i’m a damsel
but i’m
most certainly
in distress

****, i really like you
i really want you
i crave
to feel your embrace
to look into your eyes
and rub my face
against your face
to bite your lip
and give you
a taste
i promise not to let
a single
drop
of your
worth
go
to waste

i actually want to live
because
there’s so much
i want to give
there’s so much
i want to share
with you
and the world
when it feels
like just yesterday
i didn’t ******* care
i didn’t think
i could go anywhere
but down
and kept hoping
to soon
end up
in the ground

but here i am singing
and smiling
and doing what i love
with you in my mind
and my heart
giving me
something to dream of

*******, you *******

i love you
~
April 2024
HP Poet: Pradip Chattopadhyay
Age: 63
Country: India


Question 1: A warm welcome to the HP Spotlight, Pradip. Please tell us about your background?

Pradip Chattopadhyay: "After graduating with honours in Geology, I worked in various sectors including railway, banking, teaching, accounts and audit, consultancy and advertising. I feel working in diverse fields have helped me to come across people and characters of many shades and hues. This probably broadened my perspectives and laid the foundation for my poetic creativity. I have a wife of 40 years, and we together have raised a family almost from scratch. We have our son, daughter in law and a granddaughter 5 years old. They have been a source of many of my work."


Question 2: How long have you been writing poetry, and for how long have you been a member of Hello Poetry?

Pradip Chattopadhyay: "I have been writing poems since I was in 8th standard. Initially I wrote in my vernacular Bengali before experimenting with writing in English from the early nineties. There was a hiatus of nearly two decades when I didn't feel like writing. From early 2011, I have been among words regularly snatching time for creative pursuit from my work in advertising. The ***** went up till 2018, my most prolific period, before the curve went down. I admit I'm not writing as much as I would have loved to. Arrival of my granddaughter in early 2019 both added and eroded my urge to write. Most of my time was for her. I started with posting my work on Poem Hunter before coming to Hello Poetry on March 22, 2013 where my first post was 'My Name is Bond'. I post on no other site."


Question 3: What inspires you? (In other words, how does poetry happen for you).

Pradip Chattopadhyay: "The spark that begets a poem is hard to explain. For me, it can be a momentary emotion, an impulse that's too compelling to ignore, a character or relationship, intimate or distant, an event or incident that might appear mundane on the surface, even a sight fleetingly seen. I have been an avid traveller, and moments with my wife during such excursions have produced many of my poems. The river has always been an inseparable part of my life possibly due to my growing up and living in the riverine areas. So the river silted or flowing has been a constant inspiration for my work. There are also other places for my poems. The daily market, slum, a pavement dweller, a daily wager, a salesman, religious beliefs and practices, faith, a journey, ruins, fairytale and so on. I place no limits on subjects; love, relationship, humour, horror, mystery, memories. Often they take the form of storytelling through a blending of experience and imagination. All said, what satisfies me immensely is to be able to write poems for children. I have tried a few trying to fit into a child's mind, a difficult process. Most of the poems rise and sink in my mind. Only a few see the light of ink and paper. Of late I've been a little lazy or maybe a little too busy for retrieving the ones that float for only a while."


Question 4: What does poetry mean to you?

Pradip Chattopadhyay: "For me, poetry is painting collages of life from within and without. The stimuli arise from the interaction between the external and the inner world. It is not to preach but to present what is seen and perceived by the poet, and leave the rest to the reader. You get down at the wrong station and see a reflection that you never thought existed within you. It becomes a poem. For me, poetry is touching upon the entire gamut of human emotions culling them from the simple happenings around us. Bringing out the hidden "more" than what meets the eye. Poetry is making meaningful an apparently simple happening. Even a mundane occurrence may contain the seed of a deeper realisation. For me, poetry happens for all that happens in our surroundings, be they conspicuously visible or not. The poet is an explorer and discoverer."


Question 5: Who are your favorite poets?

Pradip Chattopadhyay: "Rabindranath Tagore occupies a pedestal. He is universal in his dealing of all aspects of humanity. I also love to read Wordsworth, Shelley, Frost, Macleish and Neruda. I am not very familiar with contemporary poets in English language."


Question 6: What other interests do you have?

Pradip Chattopadhyay: "I love travelling and take interest in photography. Mountains attract me more than the sea. I have been to the higher altitudes of the Himalayas including Ladakh and Sikkim. Once I was a good reader but now I have fallen out of that habit."


Carlo C. Gomez: “Thank you so much for allowing us this opportunity to get to know the person behind the poet, Pradip! We are honored to include you in this ongoing series!”

Pradip Chattopadhyay: "I am thankful to Carlo for providing the opportunity to talk about myself and share my views with my poet friends on this site. The Spotlight on Poets is a greatly admirable effort to showcase the work of the many great poets here. Thanks to Carlo again for this truly encouraging initiative."



Thank you everyone here at HP for taking the time to read this. We hope you enjoyed coming to know Pradip a little bit better. I surely did. It is our wish that these spotlights are helping everyone to further discover and appreciate their fellow poets. – Carlo C. Gomez

We will post Spotlight #15 in May!

~
 Apr 3
J J
Scorched earth dripping from my fingers (you know how sometimes the smell of smoke can save lives?

and how sometimes I'd prefer I slept in)
glistening a while as the pieces crumble into invisibility.

I'm ever waiting

To become what I make, and

I don't mind if you let me think I'm winning the race until I've lost you
completely

If I don't speak please don't take it to heart, my best years are gone but you can have my ghost

If you wish to. I'll be here. Ever writhing, tied to my promise: no longer screaming. My silence

Is the best gift you could ever wish from me, if you knew me well-enough you'd know that to be true.

I've took on so many names and faces and manipulation tactics, at this point I'm a one-man-cult

Victimising shadow's,

I'm kind to myself now but I still feel nothing mostly, but that doesn't have to be your problem
Any longer

Than you make it, I've grown up some with little option otherwise. I'm yours I'm yours I'm yours, for as long as I'm willing to be dragged around.

Fallen weak,

Ever-bleeding as long I can breathe without thinking.
Some memories are better left untouched and some regrets taken to the grave and some people left to crumble themselves to nothing again and again, undisturbed for as long as can be expected.

Don't wait up for me, you'll end up as good as a prayer for the dead to return.
Ow / this isn't an airport(...)
#ow
 Mar 30
Pax
A faulty start, I lost all my stars
Personally, I became a recluse
Truly afraid to be abuse.
Envious of some solemn luck,
            In love, I am an ugly duck.
I **** in many ways,
seems no one is able to stay.
                     Its okay.
Just pretend, as you did not hear
            Do not count me, as I am not here.
   Moreover, hide as if I did not know your there.
So do not love me as if you needed me
       Just love me sincerely
       Or else better don’t
       I am better alone - anyways….
Thank you for all those who still read me. I am not as active as I used to be, to write and read, alot. Perhaps I became the star who lost all will to light up or the mandane things got me numb in many things. I am sorry for that.

this one is the continuation of the previous piece...
I heard the owl earlier
probably not the same owl
that I heard years ago
although
if its aged as well as me
it very well might be.

Everything changes with time
sometimes too with a couple of
bottles of local wine
but the trick is to
reinvent oneself on a daily basis
whilst preserving ones identity.

I'm off soon, out exploring,
getting my steps in
not trying to be wafer thin
but shedding a few pounds
would be good,
steak, chips and peas would
be good too
alas
that's not on today's menu.
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