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 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
All these things,
the ways you make me feel
forgotten so long,
safe for so long,
You, seem to be perfect
seamlessly becoming important
and I am eagerly open
willing to see, to dare
feelings I've kept away
but now, with you,
for some reason I want them
You make me smile,
the real kind, to the eyes
and those eyes make time for you
right now is so comfortable
and I do, I want to know...
where this is headed,
I want to... and that is new
frightening and enticing
wondering if you feel it
you seem to, you seem real
I have to trust you,
and that isn't easy... for me
but for you, for this,
what it may or may not be
I am willing, I will, I do
I put my trust in you
please understand the importance
Swore once, never again
then I met you, and I feel,
I see, I think, differently
Thank you
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
It could be, eyes see differently.
That I might not appreciate the same view?
If it is a gaze, fixed, at a distance,
focused on the impossible,
maybe?,.
Or thought, fought inwardly about?,.
Out of reach, league, or,..
Better without?
What the heart stays chained to,
Tethered secretly,
and at great distance,
though to step out?,.
Of the safe places,
out of clear evaluation, a secret,
admiration,..
Dreamed about, infatuated and unspoken,
outside of dreams that are intoxicated, provoked,
streamed and called by the heart,..
Its habit of longing,
watching, imagining,..
the, oh, sensation,..
the simple locking of hands,..
oh, the, shared smiles and confessions with no verbalization.
true love, of two souls, who,...
somehow vibrated in tune,..
out of devine planning, or intervention, if not, at random.
But such, could, never happen for me,..
not lucky enough.
But, am, or will,..
just might.
only if,..
I, Step out?
shed loves shaded shadows, obscurity,..
offering clearly, in front of,..
be the center of that one's unknowing realized,..
be there, I,..
in their laymens yet, appreciative gaze.
becoming focused, dare to and dance,..
not to hint, none less then truthful, the words you use,
have but to let your heart, its knowing,..
express what it wants,..
and, then,...
finally,..
be free of this,..
the unknowing.
Clearly hidden from view, can,.. confront,..
Shall, demand,.. unknowings end.
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
it isn't right the way you tease me
much about and inside me isn't right
and I believe that you can see why
You must see right through my  body
to the downward destinations inside
Where I hide exactly what is felt
And when my heart is caught
is the trap then forgotten
On the contrary, the ordinary,
the less than savory,
The nothing special as the ignorant laugh
And as they do, the wise understand
this in itself cannot be easy
What is there yet that may be coming
So much wrong beneath
Some beyond, buried, unlikely
Other pieces are much less deep
These are mine, my secrets,
My own unlikable qualities, proud moments
Terrible wants, disturbing fantasies
Awful enough that they must stay down
Down is where demons go,
But I think you've seen them
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
A well placed whisper,...
Almost like,..
As if never intended
Made lighter, thinner,
whispered...
will seem to shimmer,
much like heat at distance
Sunlight bends,
Glimpses of what lay beyond
dances out of reach,
enticing, inviting,
denying...
random and impossible,
thirsting for promised water
whispers can ruin you
leaving you lost,
walking in circles
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
All these words,
every one place with purpose,
patterned upon a need,
a want, some way in which to serve
to supplement or contain,
to hold, both within,
without.
owned by losing all that is,
will be, has come
or once was is gone
another demonstration of loss
like she is,..  gone...
I have not, still, not...
but breathing,
lost in thought.
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
crooked steps
just a seconds glimpse behind
perfect trail before me, each step a gift
Then in the distance I  caught sight
of something
I saw you kiss the lips of the sinking Sun
locked embrace
and O' how completely I struggled
that entire night
and O' how the next and the next
and then the  next I tasted
betrayal O' how vivid I
I relived the scene in visions,
questioning my eyes,
wondering your motives
I focused, I tried more and more
O' I dug deep, i closed the miles,,
then much closer I witnessed
then, you whispering to the sky
then you reached up your hands
upon the full moon's face
Pulling her down from heaven,
 to your promises as you smiled
to deny us, O' I obsessed
You....
Kissing the sun, Promising the moon,
As I watched O' I glared
O' as did I wilt
I withdraw to obscurity
Beneath cover of your growing shadow

a silouhette to follow
making chase of the impossible
I can't give up
all i do is follow,
and look , and press on ,
just to get close enough
To tell you
You are still my sun,
Though you have another
and you are my setting moon,
my unobtainable,...
and my reasoning for every step,
every mile...  
Now besought by the breadth
The severity of those betrayals
I hope you knew,
i followed and still do
coming to apprehend
my little tease,
my treasure, my liar
I give chase,
to how completely
how very far I would go
just to prove once and for all
I love you.
I shall, one day...
If and when the stars let me
they decide...
Even they see plainly my envy
As I have no mask
One motive,
Several unknown labels.
I contrast the brilliant
Silk strewn beauty once mine
Falling once, am I choosing
Leg by foot, by will and love
Outshine the sun and by this
Luna will turn it's attention
Perhaps this test of time
Practiced, lonesome patience
May one day return the gaze
Embrace in arms my desire
The only one I want and follow
My world.
UNFINISHED... but closer
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
And there you are,
that look, those eyes
A ghost too long haunting
And then there is me,
Still held by them
A fool that dreams of yesterday
Every time, each time,
Caught regardless, breath taken
And the fool chases the madman
In endless cycles of recognition
One coaches the way of acceptance
I remind myself that things change
But there you are,
And I am drawn up, quartered
The madman has his day
That look, those eyes

there you are
regardless
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
You, in this world
of lesser interests
muted colors,
polluted bases
Of gray, safe neutral shades
Then there comes You...
Change, dramatic and effective
This, your pallet
bright and vivid
Now beautiful, fragrant
to eyes, mine
I devote time in wonder
To You, and your ways
Your world, shared
Both from as well as for You
But for me,
As I see You
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
this time of night

Still up, amongst the rabble,
and the insects
as they swarm in the cool,
and relish the moonlit
I rummage through thoughts,
I reflect, I haunt,.. ever caught
a thought as circles about
around and throughout your head
or flown in the placid purple twilight
of heaven's ocean in the sky?
Quality time, quietly appreciating
silience as it is but for the crickets,
far off car tires against the cooling asphalt
automated sprinklers hissing new moisture to alien lawns
No pressing appointments
to nail down uncertain morrows
the moon, her stars, their perch and ours
I love this time,
though I am often at my lonliest,
overcome with rerun moments
of my life
as it once was
hypothetical questions
unvocalized to the universe
Am I ever thought about
is it time and time again?
Why do I do this?  
Will I ever stop?
another question...
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
Lighting my way, this the New
brought from hidden reaches
to be good, to feel good
And She, She is another wonder
One that makes me smile,
Catches the eyes,
Her voice like cherubs cries
to touch is to be renewed
another sense of new
There is me, this guy,
the type to quietly Die inside
this loss is familiar
but you promise, you do,
remember? I do.
blah... Out of practice....  work n progress
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
My mood again a steady constant
still low, always low but constant
so I seek the solutions, search for normal
I approach and offer myself over
to those, the better minds, the doctors
they are wise and educated and have magic
in the form of pills that I consume
reporting back the basics, this didn't work
that isn't helping so they raise and lower doses
prescribing cures in pills and always asking questions
writing this and that factual results down
they see errors in my mind and I feel restless
again and again changing their minds
as I consume and return the effectiveness or lack therein
all I ;want is the sky that felt light and tasted fragrant
yet so goes my search for my cure as each is different
seeking that fabled equalibrium, that balance
aiming for the land of sunshine and
the state known once as happiness
again, always where life is
and emotions can be steady,  ups and downs
continuously changing in workable highs and lows
but alas, I am unable, and I continue only to try
the new, the stronger the most documented cure alls
of more pill to be taken with water day or night
forever dosing, hoping and trying to find my life
chasing that notion of what it is to feel alright


by
Jack Fehlmann
2013
 Apr 2014
S Smoothie
Yeah, yeah,
you broke me...
You think?
you cant break anyone or anything that feels an emotion
because we control our own.
we lend out **** on permanent loan
and freak when it comes back before its due.
what a sad sack of stories
with a ******* word for emotion.
**** it up and understand
you cant break what is never broken
its not like your word.
its an emotion.
if youre feeling like ****
and you wanna go and carve it out of your skin
well skin. that can be broken.
and if you do it yourself that's a cut
and that is not broken skin
its stupid.
and you know it.
but why don't you stop?
because you love it.
more than yourself.
the ritual screams
but rituals can be broken
but you know it.
your heart is big enough for every joy and every sorrow.
just think about that for a while...
but you wont
you know it.
instead you will go on believing youre broken
and youre not
and you know it.
 Apr 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
Even If & Ever After

Even if...
we don't last.
I know I will,
love you
Clear through,..
ever after.
Even after,
ever isn't in you.
I know this
about myself,
even if...
I struggle to understand
my gift, curse,...
the way
of my nature.  
Ever after...
with or with out...
My thoughts are on you.
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