can i tell you about the war inside of my head? sometimes it feels like this pain is ingrained inside of me. even when the channel is blank im tortured by the static & sound of nothingness. you know the sound, and the picture of the old tv. its almost like ive been tied down and forced to watch it for days and my brain is trying to remember something, why cant i remember? like somehow i know a life changing secret and my body needs the clarity, so im always back to the nothingness, the static. the easiest way to figure out the difference between my anxiety and intuition is that my anxiety sounds like an aggresive version of myself, like me but on fire. her voice is stoic but i feel the anger. she yells at me demanding me to believe what she says like any pathological liar and for that i resent myself often.

no one ever taught me to feel
only to never do it aloud
im always surrounded by those
too busy to help me
but love to see me smile
i never understood
why people want
not work
until i felt real hurt
and slept
while everything got worse
my pain came mailed to my place
with no return address
it clung to me so tight
im forced to call it mine
violating my body
but never tying the knot
making difficult to know
whats real or whats not
the river refuses to drown me
just forces me to float along
passing by many sights
that may or may not be home
feeling adult pain
before i could sign a lease

i am not graceful
or light on my feet
i am me
i am not modest
not one bit discreet
i am me
i cry too much
i lose lots of sleep
yet, i refuse to swallow defeat
my heart is heavy
way too heavy to be lifted
ive lost many pieces
the miracle is that im living
i am not curvy enough
i am not beauty
i am me
i lend my all
and watch them leave
i am me

i cant find peace of mind
i cant find happiness
iv’e been searching in the dark
using my memory of a place i’d never been

i cant find peace of mind
i can't find happiness
i follow the signs
to be lead to a detour

i cant find peace of mind
i can't find happiness
iv’e been running to my lover
on this same oval track

there has to be something comical
floating in the abyss of doubt
so many doors
no way out

making love on a bed
we were *******
and the love is a one way street
im on top and you moan "**** me"
while i bounce with love pouring and dripping around you
you didnt say my name but you repeated baby and it didnt feel like me
****
i love you
i whisper your name because my love has always felt like something that could be easily stolen
why wont you say my name?
am i no more credible than our *** that dances inside of me?
but for that short time you were apart of me
barely able to walk
i want round two
i love you, make me feel your love too

i had a dream
i sat in a puddle of insecurities
that grew
everytime i lifted my phone
to check the front camera
"am i pretty yet?"
no
stop checking
you look exactly how you did
twenty minutes ago
except
your nose is a little oily now

i cried
at the ankles of a man i didnt know
"why will no one love me"
and he looked at the sky
and told me not to be silly
he told me no surgeon could fix
the trainwreck that happened
in 1999
and no one cares enough
to mourn it anymore

i need glasses
but my squinted eyes widen
at the realization...
THATS WHY NO ONE SEES
WHAT I SEE
my watermelon personality
drips onto the wounds of others
like lemon juice
where the **** is everyone going
i'd love to stay and chat
but my past tells me
that you're a waste of a heartbreak
im tired but i rather stay awake
because my dreams have seemed to be
the scariest horror film

my heart is there too much
like the memories of how happy i was when someone decided to love me
like the memories of every first time

history repeats itself
and i deemed my sadness history the last time i locked myself in someone elses bathroom to cry
things get pathetic when you think of dying
and realize you cant afford it

everytime i think i find an exit
the windows end up being boarded up
everyone throws out the invitation to my
pity party
since theres never a return address

pray for me
not that ill get better
but that itll get so bad that god
will feel bad
and bring me home

these tears sting my eyes more than you'd think
im not hurting for attention
im over the lack of love and attention
yet im not over you
my heartburns like ive just won first place in a hotwing eating competition

its unhealthy to store the deflated balloons you bought me for valentines day in my heart  
but hell those were good memories
in all honesty your were a good friend to me
it hurts... friend
because thats all it seemed like looking back from the end
sometimes "i love you" touched my ******* before my heart
your voice is so seductive at night

i dont wish you the best with your next
you dont ******* deserve it
you dont ******* deserve me
but baby please, dont fall out of love with me
remember the nights spent loving me
carressing and rubbing me

i still worry about you
hoping you'll find the right path into maturity
hoping you'll find trust
and release into all that you hold back
just know ive known your worth all along
you loved my singing
i want you to know you were my favorite song
i wonder what i did wrong

love does not always mean destiny
it hurts that i gave you the best of me
you can still have the rest of me

i still defend you when people call you an *******
i tell them that you dont know better
as if im washing glue from your tounge

deceit has never been ****
neglect is so scary
to think you were one i could marry
im still here  
i know you can feel alone sometimes
sadness,i know, can take your right mind

i am innocent
i am not a ******
i have not been stripped of my innocence
i have been stripped
and teased
and pleasured
i'd love to see the look on a republicans face when i say
*** is fun

i crave to be something special
special in all things
special in the way my tounge moves in a circular motion inside of your mouth and on your all too dry body
are you satisfied?
i dont really care who knows
i just hope that when you tell the story of lastnight your eyes light up and your hands move like i was something spectacular
all of my friends know
they know that you supply me with an indescribable loving that i wont let go of as long as im sane
your skin resembles my favorite chocolate bar but i can assure you that you are worth more than a dollar
your breath has become my favorite song and its been on repeat for a while now
sinning has never felt more beautiful
but yet i still ask for forgivness
all in the same prayer i give thanks for something so wonderful
my body throbs in anticipation on answers to why i deserve this
i wonder if you ever notice me watching you
i notice how your every step resembles a dance move
i love how you do all things that you do
i crave to be as special to you
as the everlasting love making of our souls

the day you leave is the day ill throw away my chapstick
my tears will become a moisturizer for lost hope
and each time a tiny crack appears i'll wish you would make it better
the day you dont pull me into you when you kiss me is when ill throw away my lotion
i would hope that our combined moisture will drench the inside of my thighs just fine
there is no backup plan or rebound
i've never been one to run with one ball
or to chase someone with something i so desperately want
how will i explain to my children why my favorite number is thirteen?
its almost as if im waiting for heartbreak
it seems inevitable with a brain like mine
so full of "what if" and "you know whats weird?"
without you all i have to look forward to is highschool teenagers finding the pattern of my sad in all of my writings

it is easy to question you when you say it
"i love you" slips from your lips like a script you've practiced a while now
i refuse to believe you're in love with me
good things happen to good people
i am not good
i am a mess

nevermind your PDA
nevermind your constant reminders
you cant love me
i am me
and you are you
way too great to downgrade
loyal, yes
but i am a mess
not a mess you can fix with a comb and water
a mess that sits in a leather chair spilling stupid truth for the benefit of my future

when the juice is gone
theres nothing to enjoy
but the plain
the usual
theres no rocky
there is flavor

the brightness turns dark
without so much as a warning
like eating cotton candy
and drinking warm water
after each portion

trying to drown yourself
in icecold water
becomes a disaster
when you just suffer
from hypothermia
my lips turned purple
before my heart did  
but no one cares either way

theres a spot on the sun
i refer to it as a birthmark
its been there as long as i remember
no one else can see it
and when they say they do
they cant describe it how it is
they must think im crazy
and sympathize enough to lie

how can you see darkness
in something so bright?
is that a question
or are you telling me that im seeing darkness?
i never said it was dark

you get caught crying once
and gain a reputation of depression
thats none of your business anyway
your hug is so weak
you dont understand
stop saying you know how i feel

im not a charity case, you dont empathize
you dont "know how I feel"
i never said i was depressed
theres just a spot on the sun
you dont always
have to see to believe

grey skies seem black these days
my trashcan is full of wasted trees.

i feel as if we've carved our names
into the great oak 5 years ago
ive only known you a while now

the darkness reminds me of you  
you're the 4am darkness
staring into nothingness
listening to faint sounds
it wont stop
it just slows down sometimes

your kisses can cure cancer
or depression-
long enough to feel normal again

i wonder if you taste
everything im afraid to say
in my tounge
i wonder if one day ill catch you
slipping out of bed before sunrise
trying to get home to your family

i wonder if my moms wine collection
will become my whiskey bar
for nights when your kid is sick
or nights when you ignore my calls
because you're having
stationary *** with your wife