I'm nervously staring at a blank page
I can not concentrate
Why can I not explain how deranged
These thoughts will range before I engage with another
Leaving everything getting to me beneath the surface
While asking after others

Internal whispers hint on my actions
Each infraction gains traction
As I fail to supplement the latter with a fraction of a rebuttle
All the while huddling in a corner and never subtle
Like a mortar ready to explode yet I self-implode each time
Because I refuse to unload
It makes my mind the victim within this fight

The fact that I will not attack but rather act and pretend
Like this suspension will defend me or better yet transcend me
Is another cover until exactly when?
Otherwise pending
How selfishly imposed is my level of deceit
Not a second of relief for I am a liar and a thief
To expose copiously my own hopeless struggle crumbling me

But if I don't take this venom that's coursing through me
If I don't choose lemons over poison
That's it, I'm done C'est la vie, ***** me
I'll write out each and every buffer
For this montage of self-sabotage isn't quite enough
To make me suffer

No.

It seems I need to be hit with lightning nineteen times while struck from behind and intertwined in the jaws of a great white shark before anything productive happens or anything creative sparks. Before I utilize the clandestine confines of this mind to do or say or think of something smart. Just another day to start another chapter in the story of my life. I've come so far and fought so hard to stay away from that knife. Known recognition through prepositions giving meaning to my trifles and tremblings, be they lucid dreams or presently vivid memories...

And never feigning, only straining harder each day
Contemplating carefully
The words that I say
The thoughts that I convey
The everyday reality that's now so far away

What can I do to replace the voices haunting me?
Flaunting their perfect prisms
And what I'll never be

Its never enough
And that's just too much..
Stealing my serene
Leaving me unclean
And never free

There are fleeting patches of light
Within my confused and idled mind
What once was abundant with mercy
Has now presently been confined
I find myself
Picturing the worst within the frame
Yet not wishing to let those wild thoughts
Go about Untamed

Its like a game you play by yourself
When all the lights are out
In the dark without a spark
And no one to call for help
Is this the conflict of a broken promise
Or simply present tense
Am I justified within my suspense
Or should I rather...
Attempt to condense

Even though this makes sense
It could easily be that or the other
Don't get me started on the similarities
Between interactions happening
With she
And my distant mother

I don't wish to smother her
Only desire my peace of mind
I'm determined to soothe the fire
Before leaving everything behind

I don't want to call you a liar
But its where I find myself treading
Like that one event suddenly made a dent
And fissures started spreading
Like every last thing could be a deception
Manifesting what I believe
And I don't think I'll really get to know
Is it you
Or is it me?

The fact of the matter is that you
Choose to believe
There's no reprieve
From this constant, continual...
Consistent deceit
This contraceptive perception
Manifesting what you believe
'What happens once will come again'
From that there's no relief

That which you take heed from
Is imprinted on your skin
As if you can't reach within
For matters intimate
Second guessing and stressing
While vacantly sedated
Placating under false pretenses
-Keeping sated

-Faded
Like you were the product
Of this aftermath
Attacking the apt capability
Of all you lack
-Underhanded
In the most subtle approach
This perpetual cognizant apparition
Of these ghosts

Furthermore
They boast and beg recognition
Putting prescriptions to their name
Like defacing prepositions
Could well esteem their fame

I maintain that I refuse
To be a product of the masses
Drifting whimsically and making victims From my caprices

The end result of my fate
Never created hate
Only this conditioned position
From which I now must escape

I'd rather sit
Listen and contemplate
Than justify my shame
I'll take the pain
Of my twisted thoughts
Before letting them run astray

No one pray for me
Because I've done this once before
And sanction I will find
Within this mind
Before I hit the floor

Once I had a dream that I'd found Elysium
My convictions were beyond reproach
Placing restraints on my silver tongue
I approached a well and drank of it deep
I'd lose sleep within the stirrings of each ripple
Convincing myself the reflection I saw was me
And that we were together in that shallow water

Now I'm responsible for my perdition
Because I tell lies before I close my eyes
And as I fall into this subtle remission
I'll surely drown
On my own, without a sound
Smiling as I feel my lifeless body sink
Because once I had a dream that I'd found Elysium

But it was just a dream
Still a dream
Only a dream

A sailor well knows while far away from home
To slowly lower the brim of his cover
Hold fast, and swallow his pride
For to display pointless emotion
While with faithful, intended devotion
In the middle of the ******* ocean...
Can only lengthen the great and terrible divide
He hides his chagrin, well versed
Sticks out his chin, lets out a curse
And simply lets the time pass by
The burdens back home he must face alone
Because he simply cannot be at her side

The borders of insanity with every last calamity
Only strengthen his stubborn resolve
For the smile on her face can't be replaced
So tirelessly without rest he does his best
For not to allow the world around her revolve

Every mile that tries to cheapen
Her now bent oblique belief weakening
Misleading, deceiving grievances on repeat
Hours spent askance with no chance for relief
Are all accounted for and held seperate
For soon he comes back to find her
Her sad eyes a gentle reminder
And that reward has him addicted and so desperate

Don't ask him why he has no alibi ready
Why he would rather die than break down
This life at sea is rough
And unsteady enough
Without her being around

So when he flashes you that grin
Do not think it disingenuous
There's no convoluted, contorted distortion
Or disproportionate sentiment carried within
Its only the aftermath from living this life of sin

This rocking boat will clutch your throat
And bring you down on your knees
For we understand love that's torn
And know to never get too warm
Because sailors aren't born, we are forged
Within the depths of harsh winds and roiling seas

What if children are actually the wisest beings on the planet?

And the state in which we call "the development period" before they learn to talk is when they are trying their best to convey all of the secrets of life and death to you?

All children can justifiably do this because their "innocence" as we perceive it is actually the profound wisdom to come of living an entire lifetime that still exists within them. Hence, they have left the troubles of this world behind and still remember passing images and details of what happens after this.

When they figure out they can't actually speak to you for some reason, they then begin to act in the most candid manner to demonstrate their knowledge. And because perhaps, you too have experienced another life or even multiple lives before the one that you're living, you catch on to bits and pieces of what they are demonstrating and appreciate that.

Then, since these little ethereal beings are learning to be human again and you're the first people they meet and spend the most time with, they want to identify with you.

So the beginnings of what we call "personality" are really just the congenial memories to the secrets of the universe shared between parents and children. And eventually, the child grows up and.forgets all their secrets, only to remember them as they live life once again. There's gotta be something to that adage where people refer to the elderly reverting back to their childlike selves, after all!

.

I will continue to live each day
Talking to myself telling little lies
And I will die out when I'm gone
Leaving a big nothing behind

It will be as though I never was
Turning my back
To my disappearing footsteps
And an evaporating essence

Only, there is no heaven
And the truth is
There never was