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She sleeps in a meadow
Fields of blossoming flowers

The scent carries her away

She isn't here, nor there
or anywhere

She sleeps under diamonds
Shinning so bright
Always disappearing
on the clearest of night

Daybreak awaits her
She tries to run away

The roots of the flowers
They grab hold

Pleading

You cannot run
You cannot hide from me

Lost in her own world; all alone

Nothing good could possibly come
of her returning home

© 2014 Christina Jackson
Words cannot explain the way I feel
at this moment.
I watched you die, I watched you
slip from this life.

Chest compressions, nurses on top
of your hospital bed giving you
CPR and trying to save your life.

It took you five hours to die-
3 critical codes. cardiac arrest.

I saw your heart, the echocardiogram
Your heart was beating so slowly,
I could barely watch what was happening
outside of the emergency room.

I felt numb, I felt nothing;
in the moment, I couldn't feel
a **** thing.

I have cried many times and
I feel absolutely guilty for going
out to dinner, and spending time
with friends and family without
you here.
I know you wouldn't want me
to stop living my life.
But by god do I feel guilty for
trying to live my life.

This poem isn't eloquent or even
beautiful. However, I feel I had to
release this pain I've been feeling.

It's as though a knife has cut straight
down from my chest to my stomach.

This pain is inconsistent-
heart disease is so common
Most people don't even think
about it until they are in the same
situation.

I can't write anymore,
if I do I'll end up falling apart.
© 2016 Christina Jackson
RIP Dad, April 15th, 2016
My apologies for the terrible rhyming in this poem.
As I sit and stare-
The water motionless,
yet moving along
I gaze upon eternity here-
With white rip tides,
gasping for air
I sit and stare-
The waves endless
in shape and form
Life pummels toward you
without a care-
© 2014 Christina Jackson
I'd tremble at the thought of your touch

That ever awakening blissful feeling
when your hands moved up and
down my spine

Sensually daunting thoughts enter my mind-

A shock of pain quivered through every
lonely bone of mine

I don't own the skin I'm living in,
I shed like a snake leaving leftover
moments of borrowed time.

Those moments gone now, slipping
slowly through the looking glass
of my eyes

All that you are and ever will be
Is just a fading memory
Lost in between the cracks and
crevices of time.

She is yours, and sadly I've been left behind.
© 2014 Christina Jackson
They call it Devils Cut
90 proof, a bottle full
of liquid luck.

I drown myself-
in the bottle of
delicious lustful
drunkenness

Waiting for you
to come home to me.

But-

I will never have you-
As I want you.
Your love runs deep-
deep into my bones.

There will always be
remnants of you, crawling
through my skin.

The gentle breeze of a
summers wind-
Reminds me of
every hanging whim.

I love you dearly
and the devil
cut my heart-
ever so cleanly.

You are no where
near, and never will be.

Always an invisible force-
waking me from my dreams.
© 2015 Christina Jackson
It is not death that kills us-
Rather life that swallows us whole

The pain and suffering-
Oh, how it comes and goes.
© 2014 Christina Jackson
Forever a fool
Drunk on the love-
I once knew
Forever a fool
Drowning in the love-
We once knew
© 2014 Christina Jackson
This unbroken tension
tied tightly to an anchor
throw it in the ocean
and watch it whither
© 2013 Christina Jackson
And sometimes you just have to dive head first

into the rhetorical ocean called love

and lose all inhibitions

trust your heart

and follow it down

to the depths of

your hearts

core*

© 2014 Christina Jackson
Am I doomed?
Doomed to never find love.
I could spend a 100 years writing about it,
every day I walk this earth.
Am I so broken?
That love is confused
and the arrow of Eros has evaded me once more.
Will it ever find me?
I stopped looking long ago.
Afraid of what I might find,
that misery loves company.
© 2013 Christina Jackson
The utter lack of words
That no longer flow freely from my tips

Astounds me

For the very fact that I can never shut my rambling lips

I find myself questioning what is it that I have to give?

Cause if you asked to pay rent to live,
inside of this head
Every month would be free
I would ask nothing of you to give

For you would live amongst riddles,
and secret coded messages
I have been trying to decode like latitude
and longitudinal grids

Nothing; if not now or ever
Would make the least bit of sense
© 2013 Christina Jackson
Early morning shadows
spill onto the grass
The trees look like people
casting theatrical plays upon the fence
Swaying back and forth
gently amongst the wind
Early morning shadows
make my heart sing a wonderful tune
I'm watching the time creep by
as the sun gracefully moves across the sky
The shadowed petals make a beautiful design
as if they've become larger than life
Early morning shadows
are such a delight
© 2013 Christina Jackson
A drop of solitude-
takes me away

Passes the fortitude
of my dying days

The elixir of pain-
Draws away my
suffering breath

Curses my youthful ways

A drop of solitude-
Is much to little to
bear

A glass of oak barreled
brown deliciousness

Expects nothing but-
My lying ways

Heaven held in a bottle
is where I'll comfortably stay
© 2014 Christina Jackson
She bled a different shade of red
Veins hollowed from the inside out
Puncture wounds told old stories
of bitterness and self doubt
The wounds broke open
the blood flowed about

You could always tell
when she was sad
Her eyes wrung out
Dried from all the misplaced
tears she had shed
The complacent look
of dread
She could feel the life
from her drain
All the hopes and dreams
once said
Now long lost riddles
crumbled and dead.
© 2014 Christina Jackson
This empty room; this empty space.
The emptiness I claim, beneath these naked sheets;
The empty space, someday soon, may be complete.
Hopelessly hoping you have no thoughts of retreat.
These empty spaces, between these sheets.
A sadness pours down over me; every night I lay down to sleep.
The fires burn forever, slowly fueling this empty heart of mine.
Doubts and regrets, fill this cluttered mind of mine.
As I rest; all I want is your hand in mine,
your slow gentle breath, breathing slowly, lovingly against my neck.
Where time is never wasted, and time always well spent.
It angers my heart; that I haven't found you yet.
I gave up looking; after years and years of hell.
© 2013 Christina Jackson
Hemingway once said "there is nothing to writing,
all you do is sit down and bleed".
Not his exact words, but good enough for me

So here I am, and here I'll bleed
Your love was the death of me
Those sharp thorny words
pierced the very best parts of me

So Hemingway, Is this what you expect of me?
No hidden messages, just ****** crumbled papers
in place of where my heart used to be

So here I am, and here I bleed
I'll go wandering
off into the dark corners of the city
Following the tune of all the drunken laughs
I'll make it eventually, at last

So here I am, and here I'll bleed
On this chain smoking night
By the river, without you next to me
© 2013 Christina Jackson
Your words have become voids-
in the vast universe,
I awake from my dreams
and feel you next to me

An invisible energy that cannot
be touched or seen.

I want to feel your life force
your warm body beside me

The void of your words have become
the abysmal fog that floats
through my mind

I can neither imagine life with it
or without
You encompass the whole of my
existence
without existing in any physical
shape or form.

You have become the beautiful sunrise
by which the light creeps through
my windows each morning
and the comforting moonlight
before I drift off into another
sleepless, painstaking night.

I want you next to me, the void of
your words are replaced by the silence
of your eyes peering back into mine.

The most terrifying, yet relieving
feeling I have ever felt in my life.
© 2015 Christina Jackson
"If I could give you infinity in an hour, I would bleed the minutes from my body. Just so you would know what it's like to feel infinity within a hug" © 2014 Christina Jackson
Life slips by so quickly
in an instant you've
lost your way

My voice echos
on into infinity

Forever guiding you home
Where I'll always be

My heart; a loving place
you can forever call home
© 2014 Christina Jackson
My only inspiration has been lost in a sea of wires and network cables. Forever gone....
I can see it in your eyes-
The way you look at me,
feels so right.
That rush of a stolen glance-
freezes my limbs and I begin
to wince.
I can only wonder if it is just I,
that imagines the chemistry
and passionate fire coursing through my
veins.
Am I alone in this?
Have I conjured up romantic notions
of you and I sliding against one
another,  slowly discovering the
sum of parts we are made up of
and my mind drifts further and further
into darker places
I question all of the times and talks
and stolen moments that I thought
we're beautiful.
Come to find out, you're nothing but
a ghost that was never real.

I've only imagined you my dear*
© 2015 Christina Jackson
Her hair, it flows everywhere.
Oh how he longs,
to caress her.
Sweet symphonic booms
Waves of emotion
Spread like disease
Please oh please
Do you hear him?

Can you hear love's screams?
Dancing among-st the wind
Frolicking about
Can you hear him?
Can you hear him shout?

© 2012 Christina Jackson
I am not for the meek
the weak
or the faint of heart

I am fire
And passion

Blazing trails of dust
in the faces of every man
that wronged me

And now I wake
Rise to the occasion
and let the sorrow in

Today is for the wicked
and tomorrow we sin
© 2020 Christina Jackson
You set my heart ablaze
like the rise of my eyes
gazing into the setting sun..
© 2013 Christina Jackson
May your arms become sails
Protecting me from floating
away...
© 2014 Christina Jackson
I want to float
on a boat
towards a
sea of your love,
and ride
the waves.
I'll hold on
tight, don't
worry, I won't
release these reins.
This trip
is so long
and I keep
wondering
how much farther
I must go
to reach you.
But I paddle on
hoping I haven't
missed the signs
of you and me
written up in the sky.
This sea is so grand
as your heart
it withstands
the gusts'
as they dance
eventually
bringing me
a little bit closer
to the shore
I've longed
so long for.
So many
passing ships
but only one
holds the beacon.
Striking match
makes flame
Finally revealing
you truly are
the yin
to my yang
© 2013 Christina Jackson
As of lately, I've been lost in translation
in this transcended state of thought
every thought running into one another
Impeding on the clarity of my perception
Leaving me in a state of panic
Searching for something slightly out of reach
As the needle threads the weave
My mind entangles the threads into
a mass insanity of run on sentences
Leaving me nothing but breathless
Left in a state of weak existence
Wrapped within the roots of the
stem of my thoughts and they
grow into shadows of monsters
trying to break free from the dark
but they cannot reach the other side
The light, it seems much too far
to carry on. This train wreck
of distortion is slowly seeping
into my soul. Deafening the
voices at my beck and call
A tragic winding road of
memories keeps bringing me
right back to the same place
I just left and now I'm right
back where I started again
A streaming flowing river of
never-ending thoughts
Always escaping me
Just there long enough
to hold on to a string of words
that hardly make any sense
Am I dreaming or is this death?
I cannot recall ever lying down
on that bed. Resting my head
where all those demons dwell
The lump in my throat fiercely swells
and the smoke filled coughs mask my cries
Repairs the dreadfulness of my daily life
I cannot escape this restless mind
It won't let me rest, it won't power down
The switch is broken and I've lost my crown
along with all the jewels I once possessively possessed
My mind is wandering somewhere
and I haven't a clue when It's due back
© 2013 Christina Jackson
Forbidden
the fruits of all evil
the root of all evil
A deep shadow cast
within the garden
of Eden, my past
I cannot forget
I will not last
Forbidden
Was I?
From living a life free of lies
Of unfocused feelings
focusing on my cries
Why? Why? Why?
What have I done?
A forbidden fruit
in the garden of Eden
Where the root of all evil
Grows and grows
until every apple has been eaten
© 2013 Christina Jackson
I have no words for how much I miss you, I am speechless and growing mute.
You were always a piece of me, attached as though a puzzle
You've pieced me back together, little by little.
I'm growing smaller by the day
eventually I'll be nothing but
little bits of dried up clay
© 2015 Christina Jackson
Jumping on the band wagon,
man that's a bumpy road you're traveling.
I'm sure it gets crowded on that thing,
all of you squirming around like fish
in search of someone else's water
someone else's air to breathe.
Breathe your own ******* air,
Grow your own set of gills!
Or be a fish out of water, who cares!
Man your own vessel, grab the wheel
Take the high road, swiftly out of here!
Hurry up, or you'll get lost
in the masses, of faceless followers.
Watch out, they'll eventually get you,
subliminally, mentally, figuratively, literally.
They'll steal your whole reality
Forget the remote, they'll take that too!
You no longer control your life, they control you
Open your eyes, they'll take and they'll take, until bled dry.
We've been living a lie, categorize it under fiction.
Convictions, restrictions, afflictions, nothing but contradictions.
Take back the remote, turn off the T.V, and grow some **** brains, please!
© 2013 Christina Jackson
I wonder what birds feel like
the moment before they spread their wings.
I imagine it's something like the way I feel
when I'm about to go down that first plummet on the roller-coaster
Your stomach drops, your heart beats faster, your eyes open wider
Suddenly you're free falling, going faster,
you can't control the ride.
Your feet no longer on the ground, and you're
screaming at the top of your lungs to come down
But you can't, you can't, the ride isn't over yet
So you grip the handles as tight as you can
Scream a little louder
and hope for the best
But you've never felt more alive, and
In that moment, just before the ride is over
and you're nearing the last loop
You finally realize this is what the birds feel like
when they've taken that final leap before they soar!
© 2013 Christina Jackson
When those words left your lips
It was as though every bad moment
in my life had been multiplied
A numbness took over my entire body
and I couldn't feel you anymore
Your eyes once so full of hope and
desire
No longer will I feel your sweet hands
wrapped around my waist
Dreams of you and I died right before
my eyes
And I could feel myself breaking
as the words left your lips
A deep sadness filled me
Like the dirt piled into
a freshly packed grave
And the waves of hopelessness
overwhelmed me
Those little thoughts of you and I
danced around in my head
I looked at you with sad eyes
but words evaded me
Like little soldiers on the
battlefield evading an attack
Your eyes, your lips, and your words
Spoke three different languages
and for once in my life
you were more confused
than I have ever been
© 2014 Christina Jackson
At time's I feel as if
I'm grasping at wisps
of smoke, for you
are always with me,
just never with me.
And you'll always
love me, you just
won't always love me.
And though the stars
will always shine,
ever reminding me
you aren't so far
And once again the sun
did rise, leaking
through those
windowpanes
tugging at those
heart strings
And I tried,
so desperately
to reach you, But
I must have lost you
somewhere along
the ride. And though
the moon will always
shine, mirroring
the freckles within
your eyes. Just know
that I always tried
And when the wind
begins to dance
ever reminding me of
what it's like to feel alive again.
Even just for a second,
that little moment in time.
And though I can't touch you,
or see you; I can feel you.
The sun, the moon, the earth and the stars,
couldn't stop me loving from you.
Not even a little bit, not at all.
© 2013 Christina Jackson
Considering changing the ending. not sure I'm okay with it or not.
I want to let you in

Courage or courtesy; who will win?

If I never find the courage to tear down these walls
Please forgive me, if I’m not courteous about it
Don’t let me fall, cause I want to let you in

Strength or weakness; who will win?

If I never find the strength to let you in
Please forgive me, I’m fighting a battle
I can’t seem to win
If my weaknesses are too much for you to bear
Let me know, I’ll excuse myself
And you can simply forget about me

But if my ability to have the courage and courtesy
Never falter; and if my strengths and weaknesses
aren't too much for you to handle

By all means, you’re welcome to stay a while.
Cause I want to let you in
I want nothing more
© 2014 Christina Jackson
To hold you, even just for a little while
Eternity in a hour

Time is such a sweet commodity

Your warm arms around me, there's
no place I'd rather be.

Forever tangled up in you,
would be the most wonderful
dream come true.
© 2015 Christina Jackson
You are the shine to my light,
the breath, that gives me life.
My never ending river, flowing just right.
© 2013 Christina Jackson
The haunting of self and soul
The path from dark, to light-
Fills the holes of my haunted self
and shadowed soul.
Colored and covered under a blanket
of hatred and billowing loathe.

The haunting of self and soul
Its constancy grips me, swallows
me whole.
I drink in the pain and loss
Haunted through these hallowed halls
of my self and soul.
© 2014 Christina Jackson
"I live, each and everyday to the fullest, not fully knowing if the decisions I'm making, are wrong or right.
However, I live, because with each new day, brings a chance to turn those wrong decisions into redemptive rights.
Not all in life is as sweet and delicious as apple pie. There may be bitter batches at times. Though always remember, everyday upon waking, be infinitely grateful you've been granted a chance at new life.
Don't waste it, make your mark. Grace the world with your imaginative mind. Regardless if the world disagrees with what you've done so far.
Always remember and never forget, that it is your life. Live it in kindness, and always be mindful of your words. Have a voice, be confident, spread your wings and soar"
© 2013 Christina Jackson
A thousand days
I have walked

A thousand nights
I have pondered

A thousand days
I have wandered

A thousand days
A thousand nights
I have waited
To feel like I'm home again.

© 2006 Christina Jackson
I
I
Her hair flows into thickly currents
Withering through my mind
Grasping my emotions
Like the tides
And waves
of the ocean
Motionless
Trapped;
Pushing farther and wider
And faster
Never a miss
She tugs at my heart strings
So beautifully a violin
She holds on to her hopes
And dreams
Forever wishing she could win
We all soon find out
Life is like a game
We all must play
To reach an
END.

© 2012 Christina Jackson
And I'll whisper your name on my lips
That brief moment when I could still feel you there
It's an empty space that I don't wish to replace
anytime soon

You meet certain people at the right time
They come into your life for a few minutes, hours
even years

Sometimes you get those people who are meant to be
lessons, mixed up with the ones who will always stay

And sometimes you fall so ******* hard
you stumble through the days
Forget time exists

Your brain is wasted on fantastical thoughts
and unrealistic expectations
That narrative you wrote in your head
doesn't actually exist

And if we don't tell the people we fall for
how we feel, are we supposed to go
through life wondering what if?

Cut the ******* cord
burn it to ash
*******, just tell that person
and who knows
the feelings may not last

A temporary feeling
They could just crumble away
and isn't that so true of the time we are given?
I won't let myself wait for you

We waste it away
and wonder years later
what happened to that person
we thought we loved so much

It was like a fire inside of my heart
the logs burned long and bright
Oh, but darling it was snuffed out
without a fight

I was never worth fighting for
And if you don't go down screaming
for the ones you love
what is the ******* point?

I want to feel ALL of you
the warm breath on my skin
Whispering nonsensical *******
into my ear
it doesn't even matter
or have to make sense

And to taste you would
be a sweet ******* dream
Always slightly out of reach
And that hail storm hits you
knocks you off that pedestal
where I so foolishly held you

And your fingers, those hands
once held this face, these hips
and I forgot what it felt like
to love, the way you taste

To have any ounce of hope
and it ******* hurts
Knowing I can't have you here
the way I want you
Unavailable in so many ****** ways

I crush my own heart
I don't need help from anyone else
And yet you are still here, not
actually here with me
An intangible thought

Your body makes me want
to commit sins the gods would
strike me down
for thinking such thoughts
Please, forgive me, I'll confess

Your lips leave me hanging here
like the former shell of a human
a ghost without a home
because home was always with you

I could turn these buildings to ash
with these flames inside of my chest
It was beautiful to watch it all burn

I was worth fighting for
We were worth fighting for
and you let it all go to ****

All of these moments with you
disappear into the abyss
© 2020 Christina Jackson
just some **** I wrote while trying to avoid my problems, don't think it worked
The force and magnitude
of our wires crossing

Electrically charged particles
Radiate throughout the
technologically sparked fires
within our hearts

Bringing forth a trembling
compassion for my waking
life

A simple notion of my devotion
for perpetuating the motions
of our far off and distant love
© 2014 Christina Jackson
Oh don’t you stare
At that raven black hair

The twinkle in your eyes
Reaps of its own demise

That glimmer
Is a faint smile

Hiding behind
Hindered lies

You can’t seem to find
The hope that’s buried inside
The faith
That keeps you alive

You try and you try
Hesitation
It dies

But you can’t seem to face
That one day soon
You too will be a waste

© 2012 Christina Jackson
I’ll wait patiently my love
Until the day finally comes
Where our eyes finally meet
Within them, they’ll inflame,
like the burning Sun.
Until the day finally comes
I’ll wait patiently my love
When our hands finally grace
and intertwine within each others
Grounding roots into the earth
And together we’ll grow as one
I’ll wait patiently my love
As the moon awaits the sun
And the sun awaits the moon
Our love is never-ending
And always beginning anew
With each and everyday
I’ll wait patiently my love
Until the day I finally
meet you
© 2013 Christina Jackson
I may be a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I may be a thinker, yet I don't stand alone.
I may be a lover, just waiting to discover.
Or maybe I'm you, and you're I.
Just passing ships, floating through the sky.
I may be a dreamer, but no dreams are the same as mine.
I may be a thinker, but not one person thinks as I.
I may be a lover, thinking, and dreaming,
of all the wondrous things, If I ever did discover,
a dreamer, a thinker, a lover, such as I.
© 2013 Christina Jackson
Your lips leave an impression on my soul
I am always sad when they have to go


© 2014 Christina Jackson
You have always been
my second mother
Like the second coming
of Christ.
Always with a burning
passion, controlling what I do.
I had not realized what you
truly were to me-
Until quite recently

It was not the admirer I had
looked up to for 20 something years.
You were my greatest downfall I
had ever stumbled upon.

With those baby blues and
perfect blonde hair-
You were everything they wanted
and I was the one to spare.

In passing, I realized I was not
the child you foresaw me to be
Yet, the undying rebel lived so
graciously inside of me.

You grew stricter with age
and embellished the love
you gave away.

I had not noticed your prudent
ways until I saw you calm-
Cold and ungrateful for what I
had become.

You never wanted me.
I was always a living fantasy

A child you conjured up
in your head.
I hadn't peaked your breed
of the living dead.

It was never enough for you-
Always put off by who I
aspired to be.

It's okay- I've been found
guilty of everything you
never wanted me to be.

You don't have to like one another
to love one another.

And I don't love you like
the womb that bore me into this
world.

I am just as good as you, yet you're
the symbolic definition of perfection.

I'll never live up to your unrealistic
expectations.
I was a fool to think you'd ever want
me for who I'm truly to be.
In my dying days-
You are not welcome

You'd promise so much
and leave me with
such an unloving welcome.
© 2014 Christina Jackson
I am broken, and breaking apart
bitterly; day by day.
My mind has wandered far, far
and away.
I cannot seem to fathom this reality,
dreams are my only escape.

I am broken, and breaking apart
bitterly; day by day.
This world is too much for me,
you have always been my reason
to stay.

Without you I am numb to the world,
and I want so badly to feel again-
To feel you again.

I am broken, and breaking apart
bitterly; day by day.
© 2015 Christina Jackson
Holding on to the false hope-
That someday you would
return to me.

Would be like putting the noose
around my own neck and stepping
off the ledge.
© 2014 Christina Jackson
-"Someday I'll love myself, every bit of myself, but not today, today doesn't belong to me..."

"Sweet child, everyday belongs to you, every single one of them, they're all yours.  You are to use them wisely, every one of these beautiful, dreary, sad, wonderful, and scary days...My dear naive one, you breathe the very essence of life, deeply kept safe and tucked away in the corner pockets of your soul. Everything you've ever needed in this life, has already been given to you, open your eyes, you aren't dreaming. Awaken what is true to you; open your heart, free your mind, let go of insecurities..Free the light that's been trapped for so many years, just let go, let go..."

-"But what if I'm too afraid? What if I can't achieve all of these aspirations I have? What is it you presume is holding me back?"

"Listen child, it's not about the "what ifs", you must know and understand, they don't actually exist. You've put them there, barricaded yourself in, and quite frankly, you're so lost you've forgotten the way. All these walls, all this stone, you must dismantle it, slowly, stone by stone, day by day. Be patient, and you will see, everything will fall into place, slowly but surely. Take your time, be kind to yourself."

-"You see, all this stuff I've been through, it hurts, it all still hurts. I know it's in the past now, but just how do you expect I get over all of that?"

"Someday, sometime soon, and it may have already happened, but it'll occur to you that all of this suffering you've had to endure has gotten you to the very time and place you are now. It's all for a good reason, though you may not see it so, it is true. Everyone, they're all here for a reason, all of you serve a higher purpose. However, I don't hold the knowledge of what that is. That's up to you to figure out."

-"I'm just...so..confused, and everything isn't the way I thought it would be, I'm just not happy.."

"I think you've been missing the point, happiness isn't something that can be held in the palm of your hand, it's a feeling, a beautiful and wonderful feeling. I know, not all is as it seems to be, life is very deceiving at times. Some people will trick you, break you, and just hate you. It's up to you, don't let all of those discerning people get you down, they don't matter on your path. They don't walk the same road you do, and never will. So forget about it, and move on. Don't wallow on the little things. It's not worth your time, and that, I can confidently tell you, you won't have enough of...Are you beginning to understand?"

-"I think I'm beginning to..
Take me as I am-
Broken

Otherwise-

Leave me dancing in the wind-
Weightless

Without shape or from
Simply take me as I am
© 2014 Christina Jackson
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