nothing can compete
to the ache in my stomach
after confirming
that i am a failure

i waited too long
to rid my stomach
of how i've made myself feel

Everything about you is wonderful to me.
Everything.
I want to know everything about you,
I want to know what the kids called you in 4th grade on the playground
I want to know who your first boyfriend was and what your dad wanted to do when he broke your heart
I want to know who your favorite 80's synthopop band is
I want to know what you think of when you wake up at 4:26 in the morning with a stiff neck
I want to know what color you wish your softest skirt was
and I want to buy it for you.
I want to pick every single flower on earth and fill your arms with them.

I want to hear your voice when you're sick in bed
and I want to know what kind of tea to bring you
I want to know what movie you watch when you can't do it anymore
because that boy in your history class wouldn't stop calling you that word and ******* it you are not that word but this movie makes you feel better and it always has (it did in 4th grade when they called you that name on the playground)

I want to know which side of your face you prefer to have photographed
I want to know who you pray for
and if you think anybody is listening.

I want to know what your mother wanted to name you before your father convinced her otherwise because "Honey, do you really want our daughter to grow up being called that and have her know that we are responsible?"

I want to know if you like the feel of cold hardwood floor on your feet in the morning or the feel of carpet when you first take your rain boots and socks off after stomping puddles.

******* it, I want to know everything about you
so I can love every single one of those things with an intensity
the devout Christian envies.

i will never make the mistake
of letting anyone that close to me
ever again

it's gone too far
too long
too fast

it's been too much
too soon

it's not your fault, not really
but you deserve someone
who knows exactly
what they want

you just have bad timing

What could be more perfect than rain?
What could be more beautiful?

It falls and brings life to wherever it falls.
It breathes life into this lifeless landscape
and allows it to breathe.

Rain is a gift from God
and I am sorry for those
who do not drop to their knees
and thank their god for rain.
Thank nature for rain,
thank the universe,
but you have to be thankful.

Rain refreshes,
and it soothes
and it calms
and I cannot think of anything
more perfect than the rain.

April showers bring May flowers
and that is beautiful.

i've actively avoided
listening to the music
that my father used to

i suppose it's ironic
that this is the only thing
that expresses how you
made me feel

maybe my warnings at the start
weren't enough

maybe you thought my feelings
had changed

maybe i thought my feelings
had changed

"i will find a center in you"

it wasn't fair to either of us
i've given you
too much reason
to write

Getting Past the Past
Takes the moments yet obstained
While focusing on tomorrow
Rather than clinging to empty blame
Life delivers a newness
With every breath we take
Release the anchoring memories
That bind the aching heart
Getting past the past
Requires that you start
-The connective thinker

red blood cells live for about four months
white blood cells can live for over a year
skin cells live about two to three weeks

slowly, hour by hour
day by day
week by week
month by month
year by year
my body will die and replace itself

and surely enough
some day
eventually
i will have a body you never touched
and hair you never pulled

Breathe deeply
and lengthily
so as to avoid
becoming light headed.

You are so beautiful to me
and I want you to want me
as I want you.
I want you to read these words
the way I read the ones you write about
a boy better than me.

i believe that a glass is half empty
or half full
depending on which way
the liquid is going
if you fill it halfway
it is half full
if you dump out half
it is half empty

i feel like half of me
has been dumped out
and i can't manage to care
about him or you
all i want to do is hurt myself
"because i probably
have it coming anyway"
and i'm sorry

i know it's a lie
i do care
i care a lot
but i feel so numb
i don't feel care right now
and i'm sorry

and all i want to do
is be drunk
and be touched
and be loved
and i don't know
if it's a good idea
because you are broken and so am i
and i am sorry

and in less than four hours
you will know
exactly how
broken
i am
and i am sorry