I miss you
Like, a lot
But I felt like at times I was in the way
Of you doing better things
Bigger things
I didn't want to mess up
Something that was so good
A friendship that was only good
Because I mess things up
Like, a lot
So I gave you some space
For you to do what you wanted
How you wanted
But now I'm wondering if I messed up
Like, a lot
Because I miss you

So I'm supposed to be a grown up now and do grown up things,
Like pay bills and actually go to the gym to do more than look at cute guys.
And I am supposed to find a place to live on my own,
Where I will do groceries and cook meals, healthy meals that are not craft dinner out of the ***.
And I'm going to have to clean everything by myself,
I guess I need to buy cleaning supplies, like a vacuum and toilet cleaner and windex.
And I will work, go to a job everyday,
But it can't just be any job, it has to be something I love because I don't want to be one of those people who hates their job.
And now that I am a grown up I will watch the news,
And shake my head at the politicians and vote.
And my room will always be super organized,
With little boxes for everything and dressers I bought and assembled myself from IKEA.
That's right, I assembled them myself. I may have had to borrow my Dad's tool box but I did it myself.
That's another thing I need to, buy a tool box.
All of these things need to be done now because I am a grown up.
But how am I supposed to be a grown up when I still feel like a kid?

You were in my dreams last night
Where we met in a world that was combination of both of our own
You held my hand and pulled me close
Made me feel like I wasn't alone
Sitting in the restaurant booth and looking at you
I wanted to tell you everything
I wanted you to know all my truths
But for some reason I don't think I'll ever understand
I did not tell you a thing
But instead we sat in the booth just looking at each other smiling

It felt like it was the time to do nothing
Especially after everything that had been done
But even the weather argued with me
Barley giving me any time to celebrate the completion
Before forcing me to start something new
Because there was still so much to do.

I want you to love me
The way you loved me before
Back when all I did was good
When you understood
I was doing the best I could.
I want you to look at me
The way you looked at me before
Not like I was the answer to all your questions
But like you knew
I was going to help you find the answers.
I want you to talk to me
The way you talked to me before
Like you trusted me enough
To know that I am willing to listen
But no matter how you talk at me
no matter how you look at me
no matter how you love me
I will always love you
As much as I did before
If not more

He thought he was an
Ordinary boy
One with shaggy hair
And brown eyes
And freckles that covered his nose
He wore the same red sweater all the time
His smile perfectly crooked
The way his voice sounded
Heavy and deep
But he was never an ordinary boy
Because his shaggy hair
Was always the feeling she recognized
And his brown eyes were a shade
One she had never seen before
And the freckles on his face
Were stars that she created new constellations with
Every time she saw his face
That awful red sweater smelled like him
No matter how many times you washed it
His smile was the thing that made her
Do the same
And his voice warm
Like a blanket
Wrapping around her every time he said her name
And it was only him who made her feel this way
Because he was no ordinary boy.

She knew she wasn't supposed to fall for him
But she was never
Really
Good with following instructions
Even ones she wrote herself
She would glance at the manual
Every now and then
But always focused more of the final picture
More than anything else

You broke me
I thought I was bullet proof
I am bullet proof
But you showed up with a crow bar
And magic in a bottle
You chipped away at my brick box
Handing me comfort through the small holes in a shot glass
And pulling me out.
How you did it
I don't really know
And even though I am rebuilding
I will rebuild it the same way
So you can come back with your crow bar
And your magic in a bottle.

I don't understand,
This is not something I am afraid to admit.
But don't judge me for not knowing,
Teach me so I understand.

My body hurts
Everywhere
My head aches
My heart aches
And no matter how hard
I squeeze my muscles
How much heat or ice I apply
No matter how many
Chocolates I eat
How much wine I drink
Everywhere
My body hurts

I honestly believe that there is no such thing as a bad choice
Because no matter what you choose
You will always learn a lesson
Even if the lesson is just that next time,
You need to make a better choice.

Sometimes
When I'm doing something that feels wrong
I push myself to keep going
And pray to God
It eventually feels right.

When I told you I wasn't ready I meant it
But then you looked at me as if you thought otherwise
And I questioned myself.
When I told you I was ready I meant it
But then you looked at me as if you thought otherwise
But I never questioned myself.

In life there are many things that I can be
They say I can be anything I want
I can fly among the stars and land on the moon
I can save people from burning buildings
I can build people's homes
I can teach those who will be the worlds future
I can be a mother
I can be anything I want

But the one thing I have trouble being
Is me

I want to stand on the stage again
To feel the butterflies in my stomach
As I wait anxiously in the wings
I want to remember what it is to be brave enough to take the stage again
To be proud enough to take the stage again
Because even though in that moment
I am scared
I am also strong

You know every secret
You know my feelings just by looking at my face
You know when to tell me straight and when to give me space
And I can tell just what your thinking by the way you smile
And not talking to you always feels like too long,
Even if it's only been a little a while
I know neither of us are perfect
But I just can't help but see
That no matter where life takes us
This friendship was meant to be

You know that moment when you are so tired but yet you continue to stay awake?
The moment you decide that you are going to put yourself through stress and discomfort for just a little longer instead of just going to bed
When the next episode of the show you have been watching all night becomes more important than your actual sanity
When, for some reason, anything in the world is more important, more necessary, than sleep
But yet we are fighting the thing that will give us the most relief

Spring is coming to an end
Summer is right around the bend
And although I have been waiting for the sun, my friend
Part of me wishes the rain would come back again

My bags are packed and by the door
Everything is back to the way it was before
Before me and all the things that make me who I am
But looking back on the past year I don't think I can
Be the person I was
I have changed because
I now know what it is to be on my own
To find out what I really want in my home
And as I close the door to leave
I realize that the room is again empty

As I lay here in my bed I relax and close my eyes
Blocking out all the noise and the lights that fill the skies
Your face is blurry but the feelings I have are clear
And I think about what it would be like if your were really here
With one hand on my stomach the other on my heart
I can almost feel you here with me even though we are far apart
I imagine us together with you fingers in my hair
The way you let me have my way even when it isn’t fair
I don’t know who you are yet or maybe I might
But for now I will be here
Waiting to see the love of my life

I jumped
Two feet
Eyes closed
Hands clenched tight
Screaming like a crazy person
I jumped
I am still falling and I don't know
How or where
I will land

You were supposed to love me
That's what you said you would do
You were supposed to love me
Fighting off all dangers that tried to come through
You were supposed love me
Protect me from all harm that came
I was supposed to love you
And do the same
And you did love me
That I know is true
But one day I had to fight off the danger because it was you
And you did it because you loved me
You thought that was the best way to let me know
But although I knew you loved me
That was not the way it was supposed to go
And I will always love you and I think you will always love me
But that night I learned that even though we loved each other
We weren't meant to be

Last night I stood staring at the lake
Watching the light bounce off your face
You, distracted by the wonders that lay around the curve of the earth
Me, realizing that this moment really can't be fully describes through words
No photo we took would ever show the true sparkle of the little waves
It was like we were the audience and the view was the stage
We watched quietly as the world loudly amazed
And in that moment
I was calm and safe
It was a feeling that from me nobody could ever take
And we stood there together watching the lake

It's like muscle memory,
Like a boomerang the feeling always comes back
I didn't know I was capable of loving like that
Well maybe I did but I didn't realize until now
But I just feel safer when your around
You complete the puzzle even though your edges are rough
I know you're a big softy even though you pretend you're tough
And no matter how angry I am at the end of the day
The feeling, like a boomerang comes back again

I wrapped my hand around your bruised fist
Covering the the rough scrapes with my soft fingers
Pulling you closer as I leaned up against the tree at our favourite spot
But still keeping you at a distance
Wanting to forgive you right away
But knowing that what happened wasn't ok
That the tension between us wasn't going to magically go away
But I pull you closer
Against my better judgment
You say your sorry
You kiss me
And you are forgiven

Sometimes I just sit in my room on the floor
Leaning up against my bedroom door
Waiting for you to knock
Or even better
Push it open and come in

I didn't know that I loved you
Until I realized you stopped loving me
I pushed and I pushed until you went away
Then I realized that's not how I want it to be
Now when I see you
My heart stops, restarts
Then skips a beat
But now I finally realize
I always loved you
Just not the same way you loved me

My giant home
With the stair case,
A mountain,
One I learned to conquer over the days
The couches,
Bouncy clouds for me to play
My big comfy, warm and fancy big girl bed
Where wild dreams raced through my head
The backyard a jungle for me to explore
The pile of picture books on the bedroom floor
The handles,
Some too high to reach
In this house
I learned the lessons my parents would teach
Now the stair case is a trip down memory lane
A path to and from where I once came
The couches now know my shape
My bed now a place that hides my secrets and keeps me safe
The yard, a reminder
Of all the adventures and excitement we had
My books passed down to my siblings by mom and dad
The handles for the doors feel small in my fully grown hands
There is a drawer filled with CD's from all my favourite bands
Long lectures at the table can't teach me lessons the way they did before
Making me promise to behave because sitting and listening made me so bored
And suddenly my giant home isn't so giant anymore.

We have a saying in my house
"It's not ok but I forgive you"
Although corny it is always true
Because what you did caused me pain
Something I know I will feel again
Even though you did what you did
How much I love you will never change
So, I forgive you
But it s not ok

Tossing and turning
Wrapped in the sheets
Scared to close my eyes
Fearing what demons i'll meet
Tossing and turning
Alone in my bed
Thinking of all the things you said
The things you could have said
What I wanted you to say
So I toss and turn
Waiting for a new day

Fight me!
Meet me out back
Fists up let's scrap
I'm ready
And **** right I'm mad
Fight me!
Don't just sit there
Glaring from across the way
Say it
If there is something you need to say
Pretending it did't happen won't make it go away
So fight me!
Good old fashion one on one
I don't care who you are
Or where you're from
I'm angry
I'm ready to go
But deep down I know
I won't fight you
I know the truth
But if you mess with me again
Just know
I'm coming after you

The way I feel with you
Is like nothing I feel with anyone else
I feel warm, comfortable, safe
Like I am protected from all things bad in the world
The way we fit together
I have never fit with anyone before
In the darkness behind closed doors
Up watching movies all night long
Not wanting to part in the morning
No matter what, I know that you will be there
Waiting for me when I get home after a long day
And with you
Will always be my favourite spot

I grew up around boys
Brothers of all ages
All I wanted was to be like them
I wanted to be strong like them
I wanted to be tough like them
To be good at sports like them
To be included in the games
To be a part of the conversation
So I tried to change
I stayed quiet about things that hurt my feelings
I played basketball instead of jumping rope
I avoided all that was considered girly
Just to be accepted
But as I got older I realized
I could be accepted by them
And still be like me

Do you think I'm pretty?
Am I pleasing to your eyes?
If you were to win something
Would you be happy
With me as your prize?

I am different
This is something I know
I don't hide it
I let it show
I am different
You can see
And you are also different
Compared to me

He stood patiently
Tall, lanky
Trying to be strong
Trying to be strong for me
And in that moment
I knew
I was going to have to be strong
For the both of us

Will you dance with me?
Pull me close
Wrap your hands tightly around my waist
Spin me around
Or just sway in one place
Will you dance with me?

Like the wind blowing through the trees
On a warm summer day
Like little children at the park
Come out to play
Like the rumble of thunder
On a stormy night
Like the way the sun rises
Bringing light
She dances

His voice has become just noise in the background
The thoughts I lost earlier are now found
My email has been checked and replied to
I sit twiddling my thumbs not knowing what to do
I have seen all the feed on my Facebook page
I literally feel like I'm dying of old age
I try to make sure my notes are neat
Trying to stop my head from nodding off to sleep
I have done everything I needed to do
Except what I'm supposed to be doing