I still see my hands coming off the railing. I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable—except for having just jumped.

1.You are the mistress. ****** had been there long before you and courses through his veins. She has his heart.

2. Kiss his scars and show his yours. He spends so much time intoxicating his faults that it is easy for him to think he is the only one that is flawed.

3.Don’t be offended when he offers to help you shoot up. He wants to share a part of himself with you. It will always be a part of him.

4.When borrowing his coat, check the pockets for spare needles.

5.****** will always be the most intimate experience for him. *** will become basically non existent.

6.You will need to buy him new belts often.

7.Get the number of his dealer. They usually have an adrenaline shot handy for when he overdoses. Also, he will usually know the location of your boyfriend that has been missing for three days.

8.When calling 911, speak clearly. It is hard to tell the dispatcher that he is not breathing when you’re having trouble doing that yourself.

9.They won’t let you ride in the ambulance with him.

10.Time freezes in the hospital waiting room.

11.Don’t take it personally when he yells at you for not letting him die.

12.Try not to cry when he tells the nurses to escort you out.

13.His parents know you tried your best. They did too.

14.He will beg for you to come back. And you have every right to walk away. You did not fail him, you are just deciding not to let him destroy you.

15.You will still love him. You will wake to the thought of him and fall asleep whispering his name. Every time your phone goes off, you will hope that it’s him even though you blocked his number months ago. You will still feel his hold on you. And every time you’re alone, crying in your room you will remember that you chose not to be with him.
But that’s okay. You chose yourself.

I’ve been watching, breathing in your skin
Breathing in the shadow that is left
Breathing in the words left hanging
in the stars above the river. Above the drunken
teenagers stumbling over feet and syllables.
There you left, counting the stars on my own
Counting the steps you take away from home.
Feeling the pull as you strayed from me
Feeling the threads break oh-so easily.
But when I saw you, I didn’t know your face
Your voice had changed. The girl had changed.
She clung where I held, and kissed the lips that were mine
Kissed a smile that I’ve never seen before.
So I will no longer be watching, holding your bones
I will no longer be lurking, waiting for you to come home.

Time has shown that this is our set road
There is hope when doors are not closed
When your words are kissed in the air that I breathe
and your ghost knows only to follow me.
I am tired of always trying to win.
I am tired of you not letting me in.
And I should crawl inside and pull your words right out.
You should tell the truth but you don’t know how.
Swept under the rug as each problem arose.
To feel your body but your touch is so cold.
To taste your mind in your gritted teeth
To steal your eyes and see what you think of me.

But I hold my own skin
to remind me not to let you in.
And I swallow my own tears
to remind me not to let you win.
And I erase those three years
to remind me that I have to live.
And there is no pain in my heart
Because I no longer fear the dark.

“Hey, look at me,” he words crept into the darkened room. His hand sweeping my chin to face him. Through the pulsing wave of drunkenness and the thick night time air, I could still see his green eyes, the crease where his dimples carve into his face, and the way the corner of his lips tug to the side before he is about to say something.

“I love you,” he said.

Closing my eyes in a smile, a warmth spread through my chest. A relief. A verification that maybe my life can be this perfect.

“I love you too,” I replied, kissing his face.

It took no thought for me to give this promise, because although he may think that he was the one that said it first, I have been repeating it to him this past month. I whispered those words as his head rested on my chest. I whispered them when he brushed my hair out of my eyes and kissed my forehead. I whispered them when I realized that I have never been this truly happy in my life.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been this happy,” he slurred into my cheek, kissing my skin. He had no idea.

your lips lost their taste
trailing on the breath
of the brown-haired girls

but they all look like me,
so, close enough.

my fingertips pulse blue and black and all feelings flow away to nothingness. the air that bites my face with razors reminds me of how much pain I hold while being completely and consumingly numb. there is a hole in my chest and blood gushes, trying to making up for the vacant space.
will winter give me his arms, carrying me to sleep? will his lips give me the words wedged in unused  vocal chords? I am missing something and am devastatingly alone.
he left early with the sun and I long for him as a summer day. I possessed nothing but the company of the dark. as time passed, I finally appreciated the company of stars.

coffee rings flood the
rivers on the maps.
the number of lipstick-stained
cigarettes document the miles
under our feet. buttoned shirts
and greasy hair. letting only
the stars tell the time.
the world seemed infinite through
the mirrors. possibilities thrived
in the towering trees and the
deep green of life.
your hand in mine,
where it was always meant to be.

his lips made scars bleed
fingertips traced over the
pocket knife, the razor blade.
his blue eyes clouded my heart
and it sunk into the graves
of silenced words and emotions.
his tears wrapped around my lungs
and stole the comforting lie
from my tongue.
I wanted to run. to join
substance with the chair
or drift away with the air
just so he couldn't look
at me anymore. to remove
the sadness from his eyes.
but I stayed there, visible,
where he could see me.
he could finally see me.

I found the one
that took away my sadness:
all I ever had.

that helped me realize
there is so much more.

I think I'm becoming a sociopath.
I know I should be scared
but I'm not.
I can't feel anything.

I’m afraid to speak up
because it gives you another item
to add to the list as to why
we are not compatible.
After all of these years
it must hold quite the caliber.
And whatever I say seems to come out wrong
because you dismiss me as being hateful and jaded
and that you no longer wish to converse with me,
as if depression is another term for being
a hormonal teenager and that it is contagious.
You can’t beg me to tell you what’s on my mind
and then close your eyes during all of the unpleasant parts
because these unpleasantries are my reality.
I’ve learned to only offer edited monologues.
You seem to stick around.
But I feel more empty than when you left.

you hold me with your sweater
on lonely winter nights
Whiskey repeats your name
but it never sounds right.

and I’m no more for divinity
for this course we’ve been through
the hell that is you
what I could do to deserve this.

now your just words
an intricate design
just continue to stare
you lose meaning in time.

the girls that took my place
the title meant something then
but there’s so many of them
I learned I was never different.

and you call me hateful and jaded
which is probably true
but it’s the only way I know
to survive knowing you.

I hope their brown hair eases your pain
and their blue eyes help you forget.
and have unbelievable ***
and forget the hearts you posses.

but don’t worry about me
not even years from now.
I can look back and say
I know how a bullet sounds.

your skin tastes empty, my love,
sweet fallacies on my teeth
pulled your words from my tongue
how bitter they could be.

I memorized the curves of your back
and the rising and falling of shoulder blades.
what I remember most of all is the
sound of my voice begging you to see me.

the air was cold
you never turned around
scratching your spine
biting your collar
please see me.

kiss my ribs and hold my bones
tracing the veins along
my lungs collapsed
begging your shadow to stay.

I was a child
dancing in the eyes of monsters
alive, angry, desperate for nothing to settle
to keep moving, to hurt so little.

“I hate when people ask what I am thinking. I never really know how to answer that question because, quite frankly, I don’t even know. Over the years my mind has seemed to transform into this hive, thoughts flying around in a gray cloud, each one having their own separate buzz. And all of these sounds fuse together into one confusing and paralyzing hum to where I can’t identify a single thought. So I don’t know how to answer the question as to what I am thinking because there are so many thoughts crawling on top of each other to get out. And so I choose to just be silent. Being silent is just so much easier.”
I looked up at the man. He appeared to be only a few years older than me, maybe in his mid-twenties. His hair, dishwater blonde, was swept to the side, the kind of style fraternity boys at my previous school used to always wear when they had to dress up for chapter. His eyes were so vividly blue. Every time that he looked at me I would stay still, purely out of fear that he found me transparent.
But he had an amused grin spreading across his face, dimples carving into his cheeks. It was a common smile of his: one not of understanding, but of assumption. “And what are you thinking of right now?” Dr. Smith asked.
I rolled my eyes, accidentally releasing two unknown tears that rimmed my lash line. I met his eyes, gritting my teeth. “You’re not listening.”

I hate this. The feeling of complete incompleteness when I leave him that tends to ambush me moments after I leave his house. As if I had lost a limb, a leg if you will. Yes, I can find substitutes. I can find a prosthetic, but it's not the same. I will always feel the pain of losing that leg. I will always slightly limp, the new one does not work as well as the original. He is a part of me.

So when I leave, I spend hours and maybe even days locked in my room. I wear his sweaters day and night, his smell clinging to the fibers. I read the books he gives me, and sometimes it feels like we're reading it together. I listen to the playlist he sent me and I swear I can hear  him singing.

And I know I'll see him again. But what am I to do in the meantime while bleeding out?

he took my hand
carried me to where the cold
hugged my ribcage and
sang through my lungs.

our fears on our backs
to godly heights, there
the world turned at our feet.
The sun kissed your cheek.

our bodies melted into the snow
and the trees reached over,
cradling our shut eyes
and heavy breathing.

whisper me your sorrows
and I’ll kiss each one
from your lips. Your smile
is far too beautiful to hide.

The bed is cold, my love
Space drifting farther along with time
Your breath only bites my skin
Of where your lips have been.

But your touch burns red in streaks
Kiss pollutes me with this disease
Of codependence on absence.

Your voice is different now, a change in pace
As I run out in hopes to save the last remnant of me.
The masks are on, words are drawn
Into our backs.

Too close to what I love the most
He told me to stand on my own two feet
When he broke every bone.
Cornered and scared, I could only dare
To find my way out.
To find myself again.

It’s so cold out there,
You closed the doors.
Taste of what I’ll never have
To leave me wanting more.
All I needed was warmth:
A smile, a touch.
But you said
I loved you too much.

I want those ocean eyes to glisten
like crystals in the sun
take my hand down alleyways
right where we begun
I want to be shiny and new
so not to lose you.

I've been painting a smile
I've been hiding behind a mask
I don't know what I'm running from
but that I was running fast
for nothing to settle
for nothing to repeat

all my life has been halted by
the fear of meeting peoples eyes
the fear of meeting the mirror
don't hold me close to hold me back
I've been searching for this meaning that I lack
and I can't find it in your eyes.

trust me, don't start a conversation
don't fill your head with expectations
I'm teenage angst waiting to break free
don't hold me, don't say I love you
don't start now and make me want you
when I don't even want myself.

silhouettes and silken sheets
biting skin while climbing trees
we held the candle for too long
made a wish, held my breath
and now...it's gone.

august nights call my name
familiar voice but the face is not the same
he held my hand, told me sweet things
I closed my eyes while it was happening
friendly touch with the coldest sting...

he had soft skin and the kindest touch
flames caught fire, I loved him too much
said I was suffocating him
but I couldn't breathe without him.

he had a different face, hid behind a mask
stupid girl, stop chasing the past
it only comes back to hurt you
no one can hurt me like you do.

I swear I've seen your face before
he had ocean eyes and a deadly smile
that made a heart stop--stop and bleed for a while
but ****, that smile.

count the years that you held me close
broke my neck when I trusted you the most
you had the loveliest lies...
water fills my lungs
as you hold me down
said I was suffocating him
when it was the other way around.

he was a man of relief.
feet calloused by each mile
that he ran in circles
to escape his own reflection.
he shattered all that shines
and then wondered why
there was no light.

his secrets were the currency of trust
and I was bankrupt.
what I would do to crawl down his throat
and drag the words out.
to be the cigarette laced in his fingers,
tracing his lips ever so softly.
to breathe me in, use me.
let me be your high.

inject me and allow me to bring you
the purest peace that you will ever know.
let me in.

The bullet cracks your teeth, your tongue burns against
the hot metal, cooled down by detached touches and
mute denial. I have never felt such pain as when you painted
my cheeks with your fingertips. The blood still stains your hands.

I hear autumn calling me and I wish to go her way, however
though miles away your hands still hold my waist, asking me
to stay. My mother always said the devil was near.
I never expected him to have such blue eyes.

No amount of bourbon could erase the scars your
lips left behind. No matter how many words pile
on top of each other, your voice remains clear.
And even when I sunk into my old habit, he wasn’t you.

September has always been kind to me.
But this year seems so cold. The miles stretch
me thin. I feel myself drowning, they are saying I can only save myself.
But I still find myself here, drinking the sea.

clouded lungs, charcoaled black from swallowing storms
lightning dances through my veins, hot and cold
scars that map my body tell of where I'm from
but not they make no sense because the way is gone

I'm the shadow, stay in corners, dancing in the night
and I keep my words in my head to be closer to the fight
confronted every day, but their faces never stay
their knives are in my back but I feel no pain

there is so much pain...

I am the means to my own end
people offer tears but there's no use for them
time is speeding up, turns out the gun was held in my own hand

take me back, make this disappear
I'd do anything just to get out of here
but time is speeding up and I am stuck holding the gun

Surely, I deserve this. My tears are bittersweet irony; they stain my pillow as a mocking reminder of naïvety. This is what I get for believing that he could do no wrong. This is what I get for committing to a person and believing that I could turn his life around.   For dragging him through rehab twice in vain. For walking into his room on July 5th one year ago to find his unconscious body on the floor. For crying to the god that I do not believe in to save the only thing on this ******* miserable world that I love. To not let me lose him again. This is what I get for calling 911, for trying to hold back the tears so they could understand that my boyfriend overdosed on ****** in his bedroom. For waiting all night in the hospital only to be ignored by him for not letting him succeed on his suicide attempt. This is what I get for believing him each time he came back to me. For being the only security in his life.
These past years I have lost a lot. I have watched all of the closest friends drift away. And I held onto Landon with such consuming fear that I might lose all sense of familiarity. But it is so painful to love something that does not want to feel.
I fear I have lost everything in my life. There is no meaning in this life. I have lost mine.

I am depression.
Depression is me
and I am the one I am fighting.
I am the one that tears my mind
apart, that rapes the insides for every
vulnerable and clean vessel left.

I am used.
I am *****.
I am not worthy of a kind touch
I do not want a kind touch
I don't not want help
don't cry, don't say you love me
don't make me want this again.

I am tired.
I am hateful and jaded
but that all ties to the hurt that
I've been masking for years.
And now I just can't make the
effort to hide anymore.

I am so sorry
to the five year old girl
with big blue eyes and
too short bangs who thought
that dad could scare off the monsters.
But they still escaped the closet.

I am so sorry, dad,
I know you didn't want
your little girl to go through this
to feel this disease that has contaminated
this bloodline. And I am sorry of all
the future plans I might rob you of.

I am so sorry for wasting potential.
I am the girl who cried wolf
but I have been dead for quite some time.

"I don't want a relationship."

"Well...neither do I."

I found a boy
with blue eyes like yours
and soft words as yours
and a scar on the right side
of his face.

But the way he speaks
and stuns me by a glance
by a smile
as if I have known him for years.

I found a boy
that awoke the shadows inside
that painted my smile
and held my heart.

“YOU WON,” I screamed. The words sliced the inside of my throat as they rushed from my chest, the blood spilt on the table before I could even notice. I had been trying all this time trying to cover the gunshots with band-aids.
And he picked the scabs with fingernails because he knew he held the power. Kissing bruises into my neck and burning his fingerprints onto my collarbones. He was the most dangerous vandal, breaking me into a function only he could benefit from. And I would have paid no mind, for I thought that I was always meant to be his, but you see, he never meant to return. Only to conquer and collect, placed photograph upon many on his bookshelf.
The funny thing is: he was never competing. He never wanted to win because he never wanted to actually have me, just borrow. And he has yet to realize that it is not the anger that is misplaced, but rather the responsibility.
I should have never let myself get that close to the flame.

I saw the way it lit your eyes.
Since childhood the thrill of
melting wax and hissing fuse
spurred such excitement for
being alive.

Whispering wishes to lightning
buys, carrying light to the crystal
chandelier, lighting the miles ahead.
There the world stood still.

We breathed in the shadows
sighing their cries into the oppressing silence.
I threw myself from tall buildings
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to fly.

Spending nights in graveyards, dancing with ghosts
Memories were always my favorite friends.
But now they all have your face
and I find myself running away from home.

had always stood out from the others. He was the answer key that I had compared all others to. All of them fell short. For five years I was reluctant to give myself to him and I am unsure as to why except for the fact that every time the thought was considered, I pictured myself myself walking into an inferno. My entire being engulfed in flames; all of my nerved exposed. All so exposed...
Those before him were that compared to a virus. Running swiftly through my veins; my body burning in a constant fever. My own love was destroying me.
But falling in love with       was like rediscovering a sense that I had not known was disabled. I was able to see clearly for the first time in years. He wiped away the sleep from my eyes. The world was beautiful again. I never knew a touch could be so gentle, so loving. It had been so long since I've been held. I never knew words could sound so beautiful until when they glided off his lips.
Together we discovered the ability to slow time. Kissing his lips, I felt each second, each pulse pushing throughout his veins. The faceless boys before him were solely on possession. They consumed me entirely. There was no 'me'; I simply did not exist. I was not living.
      was nirvana. He freed me from pain and worry. He introduced me to pure beauty. I did not know that I was able to feel happiness anymore. He stayed*, and dug it out of me as if he had always known it was there. When I look in the mirror, I actually see my reflection. My smile. It's been so long...

Fearlessly and willingly, I walked into the flames. And in all of his beauty, he set me afire, raising me from the ashes of my shadows, freeing me. Able to stand on my own. I am finally alive.

I will forever look for you in crowds
the sea of faces look all too familiar
they always look like you.

And in every dream I will ask where you are
Your name repeating off my tongue.
Why do they say you don't exist?

Loving Landon was like stepping into the inferno.
The fire warped my shell, my sheltering cage
and exposed my nerves in oranges and reds.

I knew it would destroy me from the very start.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
But in those moments, my god, I was alive.

I saw the way it lit your eyes.
Since childhood the thrill of
melting wax and hissing fuse
spurred such excitement for
being alive.

Whispering wishes to lightning
bugs, carrying light to the crystal
chandelier, lighting the miles ahead.
There the world stood still.

I saw the way it lit your eyes.
Since childhood the thrill of
melting wax and hissing fuse
spurred such excitement for
being alive.

The truth comes out when it all boils down to the fact that I had a lot more friends when I kept everything to myself.

He loved me much more from behind closed doors as I opened my veins in secret.

I am alone. I am lonely.

I am much too needy.

The bullet cracks your teeth, your tongue burns against
the hot metal, cooled down by detached touches and
mute denial. I have never felt such pain as when you painted
my cheeks with your fingertips. The blood still stains your hands.

I hear autumn calling me and I wish to go her way, however
though miles away your hands still hold my waist, asking me
to stay. My mother always said the devil was near.
I never expected him to have such blue eyes.

No amount of bourbon could erase the scars your
lips left behind. No matter how many words pile
on top of each other, your voice remains clear.
And even when I sunk into my old habit, he wasn’t you.

September has always been kind to me.
But this year seems so cold. The miles stretch
me thin. I feel myself drowning, they are saying I can only save myself.
But I still find myself here, drinking the sea.

I feel that I have lived much longer than I was supposed to. The seconds draw their claws on the chalkboard slowly, slowly, slowly... The razorblade separates the skin, the familiar inferno engulfing my body. The familiar deafening heart throb as I lay in the pool of my own emptiness, my regret. The shame of returning to the old habit. I did not count the pills, the tears did not allow sight. But a palmful later, I found myself on the ground, curled up with him. Potential has always been my greatest enemy. I have been running from him my whole life. I've been trying to drown out his screams. It was a good game.

The naïve hold letters, light on their tongues
Afraid to set fire, watch wars have begun
As long as their hands are clean.
And the depressed drown their lungs
To muffle the screams they’ve cried
Since the years of youth.
And the vengeful will live since they have reason
While the sad mourn over the turning of seasons.
They’re both standing in line for their turn to die.
So kiss my lips, since we are guaranteed tonight
Since I am your ease and you are my high
Tugged habit bound come back with the light.
I felt them try to pull you back
But please stay with me dear, till I draw my last.
The bitter are screaming, heard off in the distance
Sharpening their words, claim their victims
In the name to collapse and conform.
The desperate are trees, they long for your after
Arms yearning north, I found myself under
The shade. Waiting in our meeting place.
Please don’t leave me with my reflection, she doesn’t play nice
Surrounded by haunting documents of time
She never goes to sleep.
As she watches me die, I hear her laugh
But please stay with my dear, till I draw my last.

from time to time I pull on the shades,
roses for dulling the pain.
but I return to piecing the mirror back again
each hoping the reflection won't be the same.
you stand in the kitchen, clutching coffee and *****.
try to drink the ache away.
you can't quite identify the void that's carved inside
but this has become the routine of your days.

with only two hours left to sleep
your dreams followed you through opening of eyes
and you made your home inside the haze.
words burn in the chamber of smoke
as faces fade with the pink shade.
you find yourself at the window once again
wondering what it's like to fly.
you and I know the only freedom we can hold
is the release int he act to die.

six feet under you hold me down.
I'm left confused, dressed in blacks and blues.
keeping a palmful of ground
so while they see that it's only me
I'll always have you around.

Tears slip from fingertips
Words unheard, like the apology
We both know you owe me.
No, I don’t want to numb the pain, it’s mine
It’s all I have. It’s what has stayed.
It’s what I’ve used to mark the days of these past two years.
Well, let the tape record
Since this is nothing more
Than what we’ve rehearsed many times before.
New explanations fall out your mouth
Darkening clouds only offering
Shelter from the burn of coming too close.
Seems silly, why do you care if I get hurt now?

Well go on and run, are you finally done?
The game is called, it’s clear that you have won.
It’s never enough
You always come back for more.
And you drag me out, tear me apart
Left with wounds you only heal in the dark
Your touch will always leave a mark
If you’d ever stay around.

Well I sought for you in alleyways
In prescription relief, the back of Springfield streets
Where I hoped I’d see you in your old habit gown.
You lost yourself inside that flame
In pursuit of relief caused by what you loved.
You told me you could see heaven
I guess I wasn’t in there.
But now we speak through gritted teeth
Through cut wrists and sunken cheeks
You said something towards me
I almost wished I understood.

You took my razorblades
Said there’s no use
Now you’ll relieve my pain,
You’d be here to love me
Well where are you now?

Well go on and run, are you finally done?
You disappear along with the sun
It’s outside my window
If only I could look out
And you drag me out, tear me apart
Left with wounds you only heal in the dark
Your touch will always leave a mark
If you’d ever stay around.

And I write and write of awful things
My infected love of haunted memories
Your face follows me down the streets
I will always look for you.
Well go on and run, are you finally done?
The game is called, it’s clear that you have won.
It’s never enough
You always come back for more.

And I fall in love with the one next to me
And the promise to take away my grief.
I know it’s a lie
But at least he tries.

Except I find myself coming back
To this meaning that I lack.
But this is what you chose
At least we both know
In the end you got what you’ve always wanted.

Does she kiss your hair in the morning with the sleep in your eyes?
And does she whisper how she loves into the sky of grey?
Does she look for your face in the crowds between class?
Thinking how every step further away is another she can’t take back.
Does she read your favorite books in attempt to know you more
And does she sit around and cry for you behind closed doors?

Does she feel a tug as she drives miles away,
Feeling the ache of the space filled with days?
Does she see your face in the bathroom stall?
The mirror’s cracked, but still tells all
Of a girl trying to find a way to live another day.

I carried you with me unknowingly to the places that I went
The corners of the country, you managed to find me then.
I tried to escape with a palm full of pills
But you made me stay against all will
By saying that you loved me.
By saying that you will always love me.

I kissed a boy just to fill the void but he was of no compare
Didn’t set me aflame, he didn’t surround me like the air
But we had wounds all the same, and together we played well
I couldn’t leave myself alone or else I would dwell.
It was a light to distract me, to not let me think of you
But your reflection followed me in his eyes of blue and I cried
For you to just go away.
Why can’t you just go away?

Well the days pile high as the letters collect
Filled with the words that we left unsaid.
But I will not cry for you once more,
For a lost cause, a locked door.
Not for the boy who found another way.

Golden sun through cyan shades
Interrupted by smiles and laughter
Running through the tall grass
We were children.
You taught me how to fish
And I taught you how to love
But I apologize because
Even I had no idea.
But we were children
And we were told that
Age mattered and worlds separated.
But I longed for that summer.
And I watched out the window for you
To finally return to the days
Of never ending sunlight.

Years had passed
But time pulled us together
We were never far away.
But I returned to you
Not as a little girl anymore.
I had scars and bruises of my own.
Painted black and blue.
And you held me
And you kissed every imperfection
And they were made golden.

Age never mattered
To the kindred spirits.

It's gotten to the point where I break down in tears while watching Disney movies. Finally let out but I'm too ashamed to tell them the truth. I just don't have time to deal with my mental illness yet it demands to be felt.

I find myself longing for my faith. But nothing can make me believe in a God anymore, or even want to worship him.

2. I guess I just miss being naïve.

3. Sleeping pills.

4. Finding out that taking too much Lexapro makes me throw up for hours on end.

5. Finding out that taking more Lexapro won't make the sadness go away. It sits in the corner, waiting for me to come running back to it.

6. I run.

7. I'm scared.

8. I'm scared of death.

9. I'm scared of living.

10. I'm stuck.

11. I've allowed myself to think about your death. I've been in denial for so long...I guess I was just waiting to see you in the crowd one day.

12. Dying does not make you a ******* saint.

13. I want to cut again. I miss it more than anything. But I can't handle disappointing my parents.

14. I feel bad for my suicide attempt. I'm disgusted with myself that I made my family go through that. But I am a selfish person.

15. I am so alone.

I don't know whether it was a veil of one a.m. or the double vision induced by ***, the strong grasp of gravity or the coursing wave alcohol.
Probably all of the above.

I found myself strayed from the group, walking along the edge of the river. The rocks were not friendly to my fawn-like knees. It was the first week of September, the fall just dipping its toes into the normal 90 degree routine.

My cousin, Cameron, had decided to throw a party for the end of summer, before everyone went their separate ways for school. I was about to start my freshman year at Arkansas. It was a new place, new school, new people. No one else from my high school had decided to go there and in the beginning, the school sounded perfect. Away from everyone, starting anew. But to be honest, I was scared.

The bonfire was no one to be seen and I had come to the conclusion that I was, in fact, lost.  All I knew was that my temporary vertigo was about to get the best of me. I fell onto my knees, the *** previously consumed expelled out of my body. There was so much ***.

Once the vomiting ceased, I rolled over onto my back.

I remember that it hurt. Everything hurt. And with no control, I burst into tears. Curled into the fetal position, I cried, chest aching, stomach churning.

I let myself feel so alone. And I was alone, I always have been. I just never let myself acknowledge it because then that would be all I would ever think about.

No matter how many people promise friendship and loyalty, I will always find myself crying alone in the middle of the night. I have learned that I cannot force love out of someone incapable of emotion. That sometimes circumstance tears those away from you. And then there are those that have been with you for what has seemed like forever that just decide they no longer want you.

I was crying because I couldn't do anything about it. I can't make them stay. I only have myself.

And I do not make good company.

At least with Landon I expected it.

this constant state of being unwanted is unflatteringly lonely. i was supposed to be different with you, right?

im stuck in the middle. i can either be successful since i was cursed with great potential or i could just **** myself because i was also cursed with intellect. im too smart for hope. but im in the middle and i shouldnt be. i cannot function this way.

i dont like to admit this, but i am scared of death. but i am also incredibly distraught with life and people.

just so disappointed.

I was taught not to expect things.

That boys only want to borrow, not keep.