The ache of loneliness is like chloroform on my lips
and I have been beginning to doze off again-
my eyes have grown heavy from these tears that fall
like mustard gas in a world war
I am breathing in this depression once again
and as much as I try to get the oxygen I need
the enemy is weighing down on me.
I reach out my hand for someone else's
but no one is around-
I look and look and look again,
but in the end I am alone
choking on the circumstance I have made for myself,
choking on these words I want to say to you
choking-
the thoughts are pressing against my chest now
trying to remind me that my heart is still beating
trying to taunt me because my heart is still beating
trying to remind me my lungs are still capable of breathing-
but I choke, and I take my vices and cling to them
because they are my only friends,
my safe haven when busy lives
interfere with depressed minds-
I don't want to ******* feel like this.
Every single thing I feel, or do, or say is a mistake
and I wish I could make these hands worth holding
and these words worth reading
and these tears worth suffering for-
but I can't.

The loneliness overwhelms me
and the dark has grown more under my eyes
making a point to let people know "I'm just tired"-
my hair is always a mess these days
because these brushes can't handle the tangled mess
I have made for myself-
and I guess I don't need to be saved anymore
because how can you save someone
that's already too far gone?
I'm too far gone.

The small of my back aches for acknowledgement
but you're too busy analyzing your mistakes.
My finger lays on the buttons I like to push
and they only push you further away from me-
but I can't stop feeling like it's on purpose.
These hands are made of copper and when mixed with fire
they burn bright, emitting hypnotizing colors-
blue, for the way I feel when I'm with you now.
green, with the greed I feel for not wanting to be alone
orange, for the jealousy of you no longer wanting me
red, for the thoughts of you no longer in my life..
They all interchange and take turns but somehow
this color chart of my emotions is on a spin cycle
and these sheets I have been wrapped up in
got mixed together with another load
and came out damaged and no longer like they were.
So I'm coming clean-
because my heart hurts, and I feel like I'm no longer yours
the distance between us when we speak
says more to me than poetry ever did.
So now all I see is red-

It's 2:35 am and the notebook is on tv
trigger warning
right after I got a haircut I like
my mother takes me to the grave
of my dog that died just three days ago..
trigger warning
my dad talks down to me
trigger warning
my brother talks down to me
trigger warning
I make my mom mad
trigger warning
I cry at an overly romantic scene on a tv show
trigger warning
I'M TIRED OF ALL THESE ******* TRIGGERS.
so pull it, pull the ******* trigger
and watch me spiral the **** out of control
until the tears streaming down my face
seep into the lungs I use to try and breathe-
but see the anxiety is weighing down on my chest
like it wants to steal my lunch money-
pull the ******* trigger.
Go ahead television, mom, dad, brother, anyone
pull the ******* trigger-
and watch as my mind goes blank
twenty round shots straight at my hand
and then wonder why exactly I want to be dead.
trigger warning
No. These hands have held the gun too long
placed my fingers neatly on the trigger
ready to aim, and to fire
like I'm in some kind of action movie
"CUT!"
because i'm not a ******* extra
in some botched overly explosive action film-
I'm the ******* director of a best-selling
highly anticipated autobiography turned movie
that sells out every single theatre opening night!
I am in control of these words I hear
I am in control of these emotions
that I have spent my days trying to feel entitled to.
I will no longer hold close to the gun that triggers my downfall-
The NRA ain't got **** on me baby
because I'm packing thirty two rounds
of sure fire confidence and aiming right
at my own insecurities but I won't pull the trigger-
because I can't **** what makes me feel so alive
I can't **** these emotions I wish to diminish
but why would I want to?
Because I feel things more strongly and profusely than most
and I love harder than any ******* I have ever known
and I **** and I fight with more passion and more fury
than any Nicholas Sparks novel or Jason Statham movie-
******* try me!
Because these palms hold more grudges than hands
and this body feels more anxiety attacks than relief
so ******* try me-
because I am not my trigger warnings
nor will I ever be.

when the skies get gray and the sun burns out-
I will always take you with me.
when the smile from your face fades
and your life is nothing but a hollowed out memory-
I will always take you with me.
Maybe indecision is still a decision
but this body yearns for your touch-
and I can't shake the feeling.
when I'm with you every inch of my being
feels whole again, and I am who I've always wanted to be.
you never hold back, or tell me half truths-
so I will always take you with me.
when the sun reignites and the sky is a lighter shade of blue-
I will always have you
whether next to me or in the back of my mind
I will always take you with me.
I still look at you like you're the only one in the room-
even if you're too busy with insecurity to see
but I will always take you with me.

But you-
you seem to look at the other-side and don't realize-
these words are not just words
they are everything I feel for you-
since the first day I knew.
I hope you realize this
and I hope you never forget
I have and always will-
love you.

desired.
all I want is to feel like
someone wants to feel my hands
grip at the edge of sensuality
but the echos are no more
and the only time
my body feels wanted
is when I think back
to the darker times
when I didn't want to be wanted.
But now that I do
the feelings will never be reciprocated.
Jaded, I will always be.
Fading into the background-
just pictures and ones out of your reach
is the only sense of sexuality you seek-
perfection isn't me, nor will it ever be.
I just want you to want me
but I guess that can't be...
standards too high for you
memories too strong for me
what does it feel like to be happy?

I can't stop picturing
what my life would look like
if in fact it turned out the way I wanted it to.
My self-conscious subconscious would love you better
and I would take back every ******* excuse
I left you with.
I want nothing but happiness-
and that can't happen without you
the gaps in between my fingers become cold again
and your eyes are the only warmth I've felt in a long time,
so fill the dark void I spent my days trying to pinpoint
and draw the line where I can reach you
because you're the only thing I'll ever hold dear to.
It may be drastic to say-
but I don't want to live a life without you
so carry me under your skin
and make a sonnet out of my smile
you're the only one who ever sees it anyway.
You are found in every crease upon my smiling face
my body feels you in every crevice
and even when the evening touches my hips
and curls under my bedsheets-
only to kiss my lips asleep
that's where I want you to be,
curled up in the places next to me.
When the darkness overwhelms my eye sockets
and the depth of depression crushes my nerves
and I can no longer stand the sight of you not there
that is where you will find me.
So run to me when everything is crumbling,
I will be your safety net.
When your heart gets broken again
from the smiles you attempt to mend-
I will be your super glue.
Always and forever,
can't be forever without you.

I feel nothing,
just irreparable darkness and all consuming sadness
I cannot shake this feeling
no matter how many times
you think I can, it can't happen.
You don't ******* get it
and there is no way to describe
the way my entire body is trembling
just from existing..
I can't escape from this darkness
I have spent my days afraid of-
trapped in this repetitive cycle
of cynical thinking.
I want to be okay.
with every inch of my being,
each and every vein inching closer to my heart
the mere thought of being okay for just one second
the idea seems so euphoric
but it leads me to disappointment in the end.
I will be okay, eventually.
But don't tell me I do not feel these feelings,
that the words I speak are irrational and insane
because I already ******* know they are-
But I have a right to feel this way.

What would you do if every instance in your life
felt as if you were almost about the fall from your chair
but, you catch yourself.
See, I lost my balance and I keep falling,
never knowing when I will hit the ground
flinching, anxiously awaiting
for the moment my body meets the pavement
so I feel everything again.
But that moment never comes
and everyone around you
is yelling,
"Just spread your wings and fly."
"Brace yourself for impact."
"Don't over-think hitting the ground too much"
"Just think positive"
"You'll stop falling soon, don't worry"
But no one realizes,
the only thing you're capable of doing
is anticipating an introduction with the ground
you know will never come.
So the hands you tried to use to grip onto the edge of sanity,
are now trying to grasp any chance of survival you have left
but there's no ledge for you to hold onto
no safety net or parachute.
Just you and the open air,
accompanied by your constant fear.

This is depression
and I am falling every single ******* day
so don't ******* tell me I'm over-reacting.