He sat there smoking,
His horns an illusion
(For he has no real power).
Black soul,
If he has one.
Making deals only to destroy.
Yet people walk to him,
Smoke with him,
Follow him.

And as they die,
He laughs.

Pounding feet,
Pounding head,
Running.
From everything I use to know,
No longer do I know who I am.
What I am.
What am I?
What they tell me?
In blissful ignorance,
Or a shame?
Both ugly and a disgrace
While being beautiful.
Beauty?
The cover of a magazine,
Something that makes people think more of the
Risqué
Than the lovely.

This emotion of flying,
Falling...
I'm not use to it.
It's against the rules,
My silly rules,
To trip into someones arms.

And it's against the rules for
Someone to catch me.

Why did you?...

I know the real reason
You have forgotten
All the little things we talked about,
Insignificant dreams of mine,
Troubles I wouldn't tell another person,
Because they wouldn't listen.

But I know the reason you have forgotten...

I wasn't important to you
Until now.

The girl trails behind Daddy,
Trying to help carry the boxes that are too heavy for her,
And too often getting in the way of the men moving furniture.
But they are nice to her,
And don’t discourage her.
Sister does.
Sister is over there talking to the neighbor girls.
They are all instant friends.
Luckily they all leave her alone—Sister doesn’t.
“Why bother? The men can do it.
Maybe you should be a man too!”
The girls laugh.
She doesn’t.
The girl picks up another box,
Not letting her face fall until they couldn’t see her.
Walks to her room and sits down.

Only then does she let each tear fall.

Before long she is done,
The rest of the pain bottled up somewhere that she can forget about.
Her hands still shaking,
Getting up one more time,
She checks her face in the mirror,
Making sure that her face isn’t too splotchy,
Not wanting to be questioned by anyone.
She walks back to the van, getting another load
To let Sister know that there is no winning today.
Only she will win.

Sister doesn’t notice.

Take a left,
Walk past the willow tree then take your first right,
Left again.

I promise it gets easier the more you walk it.
I’ve been down this path so many times,
Yet I still get lost sometimes
Navigating in the darkness by my own sparks.
Here,
Here’s a candle to help you light your way.
It get’s easier when you have a friend there to help you.

It’s that load,
Isn’t it?
Let me carry it for you,
I can manage for both of us,
I promise we can make it.
This will work, just keep holding on
But don’t hold out on me.
Let me help you carry your burden,
I am strong today.

Up the hill again we go,
Our bleeding feet leaving trails behind us,
To mark our path so we can find our way back,
Or perhaps to let others know where to go next.
It doesn’t matter,
What does is that we keep walking,
Don’t go easy into the night,
Fight for that breath to be yours.
I will fight for you to,
I will.

Every day a new struggle,
But no longer alone in the world
That was my own.
Every day a new day to
Have a friend,
Now more than
I have ever had.
Finally feeling accepted by others,
Seeing that worth wasn’t solely based upon
How I am perceived to be,
But rather how I could make a difference,
Change the world and others,
And having friends to be there, guiding me on my way,
Making me feel like I can hold the whole world,
Chase the rainbows,
Touch the sky,
Catch a shooting star,
Or lasso the moon.

And each friend has guided me on my way,
No matter how often I talked to them,
Or how close we became.

Thank you for touching the lives of so many
With your kindness and love,
You knew how to make everyone's days better
And gave the best hugs.

You always reminded me how much I am worth.

But she never said a word.
She didn’t need to.
The conversation always breezed past her unsaid words.
“Hellos” and “Goodbyes”
Were only formalities anyway.
Even “How are you?”
Has lost it’s meaning— or rather no one means what it says.
Of course, that only applies if you are not invisible,
If they see you and want to talk.
Do they see?
Or do they not care to talk?
Meanings mix with lies, making one believe of
Worthlessness of one’s self.
Believing she was worthless
(there was no reason not to)
She continued on smiling,
Hiding behind her paper
And playing with her pencil.

And the scary part is
That she doesn’t know that
Everyone doesn’t always feel this way.

“For what is happiness anyway?”* She wonders.
It isn’t something you can touch,
Isn’t something you can smell.
You can feel it,
I can feel you have it there in your soul.
I have it too I think.
There isn’t anything telling me otherwise.
Why can’t you be happy in your way, and I be happy in mine.
My happiness is a pad of paper and a pencil.
I don’t need other to tell me what to do.
So there.

But as she sits there alone,
She can still hear them whisper.
That she isn’t good enough,
That she’s weird,
Awkward,
Nerdy.
She tries not to listen,
Counters their conversations with thoughts of her own,
But it doesn’t work.
The words penetrate the walls thrown up hastily,
And she retreats farther from them until she is backed into a corner.

But no one notices this happening,
Not even she.
Believing that the world is more,
Smiling through it all,
And being a friend to those that have none.

The only problem:
Believing she has friends until the
Friends of the friends she has come along,
And take what she built up
Until she has none.

Move on, move on, move on.
She tells herself,
A constant, droning chant
In the back of her mind,
To drown out the regrets, the pain, the empty.
One foot in front of the other until
She has walked out and
Left the place she feels so much despair in.
Continuing on in her own way until
She can make it one more day.

It’s just like
Lemons.
That’s what they say the world is made of.
It is our choice to remain sour
Burdened by our mistakes, trials, sins.
Or to sugar-coat it all with our lies,
Being very good at ignoring truth we don’t like,
And have a lemon drop.
Move on, move on, move on
Past what we know is right,
Distract us from the sour and the bitter and the pain.

In this fast paced world,
There is no time for lemonade.

It’s too long to
Hand squeeze all the citrus,
Add the sugar,
Boil it, and then let it cool,
Adding ice and water
To make it less concentrated.
Perfect summer day treat.
No one but the
Old-timers have time to make it.

Good thing I am old fashioned.
I will make time to have lemonade.

Beautiful and
Unbreakable.

Falling in love with a boy
As wild as herself.
He, with a crooked smile that showed his teeth,
His lower lip usually split,
Dark brown hair,
Routinely over grown and hiding his
Chocolate eyes.
Perfect in every way.
She is now
Jumping on the bed in a dress,
A princess crown on her head,
While he is the rugged prince.
Still claiming that he kissed her
On her hand in the hall,
And still convinced that she is worth loving.

But only for a moment.

What do you miss? What do you want to go back for? Aren’t you sad it’s over?
Strangely (or not)
I missed nothing.
I didn’t want to turn back, only
Forward.
But wasn’t that a home you were leaving?
Home for me?
Nah,
I’ve never known a “home”
In a traditional sense.

Home for me is
Chasing rainbows
And dancing in the rain while it shines.
It is people that are real
(Not fake like the ones I come across).
It is sunsets in the afternoon,
And naming the stars at night.
Cocoa stained lips,
Hot apple cider,
Hugs and kisses,
Feeling safe but alive,
That is home to me.

Is
Falling in love
With your place in the world.

What destroys me
In the dead of night,
Now,
In the middle of the crowd.
Disconnected,
Ignored,
Left.
Just...
Try not to look at me too much.
Fading into the background,
Emotionally
Exhausted.
Talk? No, not for a while.
Who would want to?
To talk to me?
No. I am invisible.

And it's killing me.

Seconds
To decide life,
Not even recognizing it is an option.
Choosing a certain way
Isn't even a choice.
Conscious minds aren't aware of the
Struggle,
A game show where only one will win.

Make the choice before it happens.

Every day,
Every night...
It's getting worse,
It's bad.
Maybe it just doesn't want to heal.
Maybe there are words to describe
Why this rut is here,
Why it repeats over and over.
Please just ask what is wrong,
Please let the words come without
Judging, because all this
Judging repeats over and over.
Figuring all this isn't worth it,
Figuring out that being taught this way
Takes a toll on the beauty of life,
Takes and destroys this beauty.
Going back or
Going forward?

*I just wish it was different.

Ostracized by
Everyone.
Except when shown
Issues, problems, things they can
"Fix."
They never see me anyway.
Be happy
They say,
You are okay
Those lies spoken too often.
Then I,
Left in the corner
When finally finding purpose.

Misery likes company.

People mock happiness.

Looking in the mirror,
Who is that one
Staring back?
It isn't me.
I do not recognize
Happiness,
Talent,
Beauty,
Grace.
Was this who I once was?
Is this who I am?
Time and time again,
Staring at cold expressions,
Meaningless smiles.
Putting on a face so no one would see
Me.
Why would they want to?

Maybe this is the reason why.

...it hurts...
This pain,
Gnawing on my insides.
How long?
Memories...
They plague my thoughts.
Can't get away from what they said.
My tormentors,
Those bullies...
help...
They laugh and scream and jeer.
Why do you still play with dolls?
Why can't you do anything right?
Don't you have any friends?
Inadequate is what I am,
Broken,
Destroyed.

All I need is a spark of hope.

Give someone a role to play--
They will preform to the best of their abilities...

Except when they leave the play
Because another stage looks more interesting.

Sitting,
Hiding,
In plain sight,
A mask covering my face,
The mask just below most's pool of thought.
Who am I to say
That I'm the only one
Drowning,
Struggling for breath past
Thick lies the world tell me?
Lies I believe--
Ones I tell myself.

Yet most never wonder.
Don't care that others cut,
Find escape in the pain from the shame.
I find release in this.
Most never wonder.
Dancing on their merry way,
Damning those who are called depressed,
"No consequence for us, why care?"

Ones like me,
Masks of smiles, masking pain,
The ones who were taught to believe
They were never worth loving.

Why?
Why believe the lies they tell you,
Ones that you tell yourself?

You are better than they,
If only because you understand.

To trust,
Let people in,
Relationships.
That's what he said.
That psycologist with
Grey hair
Thinning,
Just like my relationships.
Lonely, hating, loathing myself,
Pain being controlled by addictions,
Shame,
My same shame increases the circles,
Addictions,
Running circles in my head--
Wanting to draw circles with a knife.
STOP THINKING.
My circles of friends growing smaller,
Isolate as the weather becomes cold,
My heart, iced, caged,
No trust, no love.
No one could love me anyway.
Right?
Wrong way thinking through this thick head
Makes it worse.
Wearing through my thin soul,
This pain, pleasure?
No. Run run away from this,
Soles of my shoes thining,
Just like the grey hair--
The psychologist's head.
Trust, love, relationships.
No shame in mistakes.
Let people in?

I always thought I never needed that.

His rejection still sits there
Crouched
In the back of my mind.
Even though it's been so long,
So long that I thought I moved on,
I still can't let anyone get that close to me.
I can't be open…
It hurts too much.
Too much to wish and hope
That someone may actually care about me
After I let them in.
And letting them in--
I know they will leave
Once they see the broken and
Ugly inside of me.
It isn't a good thing for me to fall in love
Cause I've never been loved back.

Just give him a chance
Start slow
*To let him see the real person and beauty beneith

I'll slip away...

I'm hard to hold on to,
Too variable,
Too changeable.

Too likely to change into something so sweet,
That the bitter of me leaving
Will hurt more than help.

You can't fall in love with me,
I'm too much to lose.

...You are too much for me to lose.

I'm looking for a
Guardian angel,
Someone who could be my
Crying shoulder,
Who would never try and change me
Or think of abusing me.
He would have me forget the person
I once was--the one I hate.
I'm still waiting for him,
Someone that loves me,
Not only that but would miss me,
Deeply so.
Like how I would miss him,
Like a flower in the snow--
Missing the sun.

I don't know if he will understand
How I internalize everything,
Or how I don't let my secrets go
Without a fight, a struggle in my mind.
But he would understand that he loves me
With a love that will never go away.

I'm too weak to handle this pain...
I've been holding on as long as I can,
Dropping to my knees to pray
To the ONLY one strong enough to
Save
Me.

I'm in love with pain,
But no longer want to hurt myself.
This desire doesn't vanish--
It grows stronger,
Unbearably strong,
To the point that I pinch myself
To see if I'm still alive in my numb world.
So I run,
Run from my pain--
And to make myself hurt.
--It is better this way.

The black pain faded away to a dull thrumming grey.
No worth,
Nothing left to say.
Little girl, once called beautiful,
Uses more nefarious words to describe herself,
Still holding on to that image of the
Silvery moon.
Tears slip silently down as she finds escape in
Physical pain.
She can no longer continue this way.
Holding out,
Holding on for just one more day,
Gripping her reality with shaky hands that could no longer
Strangle her demons.
Reaching out to anyone,
But trusting too fast.
Left in the dust too often by those she thought cared.
Any promise broken,
Like a heart,
Crushes her--crumbles her.
Her eyes are becoming empty as she accepts the numb,
Penetrating to her very soul.
Help…
She cries in vain.
No one listens, no one waits. No one cares.
Worlds of empty emotion and pretending.
Secrets-- her secrets
Eat her from the inside,
Rubbing her raw,
She yields to her abandoned state.
Colorless she is,
Faceless and invisible.
Only wanting to end it all--

Her fight is not to.

Drown out my own thoughts
With music and pain--
I can't stand myself.
Being the monster inside of my head
Has changed my perspective.

Never was I kind, good, beautiful.
Selfish-- yes.
How could I expect to be anything else?
Ugly to the core,
Scared of what others thought of me.
I needn't to...
They never thought of me.

I was only a pretty face to talk to
When everyone else was missing.
Never belonging anywhere,
Absorbed by the background,
Hiding from my memories,
The happy ones that could take me from this misery,
But those things happened too long ago to

Help.

I need you,
My mind is screaming,
The monster is winning,
I am becoming nothing but
Dust.

The demons have got me,
Beating me black and blue.
All I want is pain,
And to end this torture.

I can no longer tell him.

I don't know if he cares,
If he ever has cared
Remotely. But his demons are winning
So I know he has no strength to
Ward off mine.

I wish I could help him,
Wish I was stronger.
Instead I surrender step by step
To the demons in my mind.
I've always had this monster in my mind...

I can't tell you everything.
                                                     ­                           But you should be able to
                                                              ­                  Tell me
                                                                ­                Anything!
No. Not this.
People see me as an annoyance anyway,
Bothersome.
Weird.
I'm sorry you met me.
                                                             ­                   Tell me.
Why?
No I can't.
You hate when I talk to you,
Honest and open,
Claiming my opinions are a product of
My childhood.
Maybe, but I think not.
You've never walked where I stood.
                                                          ­                      Please
I don't want to,
But I will.
                                                           ­                     ...
You think I react like everyone else
You know.
But I don't. I can't.
Because I feel their pain--
YOUR pain too.
I know it sounds crazy, but I know
More than I should, and feel
What never happened to me.
I'm going crazy huh?
                                                            ­                    That's it? That's stupid.
                                                        ­                        Every time you only ever
                                                           ­                     Hide...
                                  ­                                              I'm going to drink now.
I hate me...sorry you need to put up with me.

I want to give this up,
My pain,
My sins,
My hopes, dreams,
Habits, wishes,
Myself.

Just get rid of it.

But I would rather give up this desire of
Destroying the person I have become.

The one who smiles,
Is funny,
And doesn't only think of herself,
Striving for harmony and balance.


Even though life gives terrible jolts.

People tell me who I'm suppose to be,
That isn't the genuine me,
I only show the face, the mask,
I can sculpt perfectly.

You recognized the phony
And the walls built so carefully,
How can you see, feel,
The person that is me?

All these words flying toward me,
And the lies my chi tells me,
Hurts me more, destroys,
To the point I can no longer see.

I want to fall in love,
Fall hard,
But smiling all the way,
Never wonder what it would be like
To never hold his hand,
Cause I know he would never leave.

Make me smile,
I've been missing that lately,
Missing him,
The one I have never met yet,
The one I've been dreaming of.

The emptiness is growing...
...but I don't want to admit it.
I'm not fine.
I want to tell you,
Need to talk to you,
But I have no words.
When they come,
                                                           ­                                             I am long gone.

I'm back to being invisible,
Head low,
Avoiding other's eyes.

I let one see me for
What I am.

(demon, monster, unnatural, hideous)

He Cared?
No.
Walked away.
Just as everyone has before,
Just as I feared he would...                     ...but promised he wouldn't...

I dared to dream,
Dared to accept,
To open.

I am invisible.
Why did I dream that I shouldn't be...

As I discover each one,
They burn my soul.
I trusted no one,
Only friends,
But those are the ones I should be weary of.

Yet you are still one of them,
Even as I am betrayed
Even as I pray to God
To understand why
After years and years you only hide
And lie.

I promise I will forgive.


Even though you hurt me...

My mind and stomache
SCREAM
At the things I have told you.
All truth,
No lies.
The only one I haven't lied to.
Even though I still hide
It all
From you.

I wish to hide this from myself.

But I was never enough...

If I was more...
Oh gosh, if I was more
I could be amazing,
Wonderful,
Exhilarating,
Someone you would never want to forget,
The one you would always remember.

But you've already forgotten...

I have forced my words
Too much.
Now they seem to turn against
Me. It can never be
The same again.

She was in love with the icy night,
Crisp and cool,
Unlike the old she knew before.
Frozen,
Frosted,
Not knowing what danger she danced with
Skipping her way to feelings
That felt unreal.
Is this a dream?
As she kissed the night again,
The marble path reflecting her love's gaze.

It took a while before she realized the biting cold,
Despair in the back of her mind.
But who knows how yearns to return to the icy night,
Under the cool black sky?

In a lovely state,
          Dreaming of what will happen next,
Dancing amid the daring fates,
          Flying in the sky.
Daring to be what once was,
          Forgetting what became,
Changing from the bitter of worries because
          Knowing that winter turns to spring
And summer to fall lets the world know
          That I can be clean again.

I want to fall in love with a boy who...

Unravels my secrets one by one,
Knocking down my walls,
But doesn't push too hard.

Sees the pain in my eyes
He would hold me close without a sound.

Just holds me.

Would see all the tears I have cried,
The ones I couldn't bear to shed,
Wishing to find the missing pieces of me
And to fix my brokenness.

Writes down my half finished poems,
Memorizing my fickle words.

Confides in me his weakness and worries
Listening to mine with an open heart.

Above all he would never make me feel
Useless,
Insignificant,
Inferior.

Figures out what frustrates me and
Figure out my symptoms showing I'm stressed,
Depressed,
Anxiety,
Crying.

Cares.

Cares more than anyone else could, more than anyone else has ever cared.

Would not be afraid to tease me,
Even when I tell him not to but he would still know his limits.
He would respect my wishes and requests.

Would be the one that makes me happy,
Secure, and
Want to be a better person for me,
Him,
And everyone else.

Loves music and
Loves singing, especially with me.

Chases rainbows with me and
Takes crazy weekend trips at the last minute.

Would love to create-- art, gardening, music, carpentry, cooking,
Or a variety of these things and more.

Debates with me--
Not argue mind you--
And have his own will,
So we could make decisions together.

Agrees with me on most things.

Is intelligent and wise,
So we could talk about
Philosophy,
Science,
Calculus,
Psychology,
Religion,
Law,
Etc.

Is frugal,
But would never count the cost when it comes to me.

Would never withhold his forgiveness
And help, always trying to make me smile,
Even though he would always make me happy.
He would change his ways to be better,
No matter how good he already is.

Would marry me in the temple
But be nervous before the wedding,
Worried that this might not work in the end and he
Doesn't want to break me like other boys did.
But he knows that he would always love me
And this will work if we work together.

When he smiled, it would light up the world.

I want to fall in love with a boy that could love me with all his heart.

Did you mean the words you said?
that i only complain about stupid s–
                    But I can't repeat the words you left me with
                                         (the words I call myself)
I never meant to tell you who I was,
But it just kept coming.
My sadness is introverted
And you pushed me enough
That it emptied like a tipped bucket,
Staining your memory of the girl
You once called
Beautiful.

Heroes are weak.

They go around saving,
Caring,
Loving,
Protecting,
Expecting nothing.

They are exploited,
Used,
Cheated,
Hated.
Forever on their way to destroy
What will not be destroyed.

Yet they continue
In their own quite way.

I want to be weak.

I want to be the person that
Saves,
Cares,
Loves,
Protects.

I want to be the person people forget about.

I WILL be exploited, used, and cheated, but
I am STRONG.

Just like all the heroes before me.



I want to be a hero.

What I tell myself while
Asking,
Covering my tracks that
Show I'm suicidal,
The pretty lies that cover up
The cuts I caused myself.
Wanting to cease existing
To the point no one remembers my name.
Hate and Numb
but i'm fine.
Please I just need to talk
I say to the darkness, It ignores me. You ignore me.
You were Always
never
There.

I hide it in my smile,
By the way I talk.
My words can hide the pain.
Not my eyes...
Never my eyes,
They have seen too much,
The anger,
Hate,
What destroys me.

Don't worry about me.
You may understand,
But never say you know me--
You don't,
No one can.

Awake from the nightmare,
But bending again to the new one dawning.
Sometimes I think of you darling,
Wondering, wishing, waiting...
What would you do if I told you exactly what I'm thinking?
It's not what you're thinking.
Shove love back a page,
Mages can't lay their finger here.
Would you?
Could you?
Drive five,
Maybe ten hundred miles
To save me from myself?

I want to ask you,
Will I be the cause of my own death?

Will nothing change?
I'm still thinking of you,
Do I love you?
I can't decide.

Even though you hurt me,
Destroyed me,
Befriended me.

Loved me?