the human heart
is the size of
a closed fist.
it punches
in my chest,
leaving bruises
on my soul

it beats out the
everylastbit
of love i hold.
show me how
i can ever
set myself free
from the idea
that, i, too
am bitterly alone.

my mom found a little *** of dirt in my room,
with a dead plant in it.

she somehow found a little leaf on it, still alive
and green in all its glory.

now, determined to keep it alive and growing,
she waters it every day.

Write with emotion and don't let anyone silence your heart.
Write about the way her smile
makes your insides feel warm
and how your arms feel empty
without her curled up in them.
Describe how the sound of his voice
makes your ears feel like
a fuzzy blanket was stuffed inside them
with a cat purring, sleeping soundly upon it.
Explain to your readers why you hate yourself
despite the desperate need for others to love you.
Write down the questions
that you don't actually want the answers to
although the questions look pretty on paper.
Let questions lead to more questions
and your feelings lead to more feelings.
Tell a story about how lost you've been
or tell the world about your journey
to where you are now.
Write away your past, let it decide your future,
break boundaries and don't give up.
Teach yourself to believe that what you have to say
is just as important as what anyone else does.

as you jiggle
nervously
in your seat
during therapy
i can only imagine what
is eating at you haley

no that’s not true
i know a little bit about it
for instance your mother
drains the medicine cabinets
instead of sink
the last months’ worth of dishes are still *****
she takes her pills with *****
because they are her water
rubbing her stomach clean with alcohol
yet she has never picked a rag up
to scrub the sickness from her house
red stains on your blouse
haley does she even know
what grades you got this year?
haley did she ever notice
when you dyed your hair?
to feel like you fit in somewhere
when you didn’t fit in her lap anymore

you come home from school
with scratches on your arms
and she never asks where they come from
so you tell her:
you feel like in a past life
you were a dartboard
because at school your peers play bullseye
with your forehead
and sometimes when they break your glasses
and you skip classes to do lines on your skin in the bathroom
with your walmart scissors
you just tell her you tried to kiss a stray cat
on the way home
and she actually accepts that because
she’s the one who taught you to play dumb

and at thirteen you’re still
suckin o  your thumb when you think that no ones looking
and though you don’t know it
the reason you do that
is because you’ve been drinking from a bottle
since you were a baby
and she never even attempted
to breastfeed

haley doesn’t understand
when i read her stories about the buddha
she just knows my voice
is comforting
haley doesn’t know
she has this inner peace
and all i want to do is
gather up her gashes
and put the pieces back together
haley doesn’t think she is lonely
but she thinks that i’m pretty
and she subconsciously wants
to make a mother of me

so at the end of the hallway
when she’s crying in the corner
because she misses freedom and light
i ignore hospital rules
and rush past the nurses
to hold her tight
and i teach her to breathe with her nose
close to our open window
and tuck her in when the bars
make shadows on the floor
in the moonlight

we sleep in beds of ashes but i know
that someday haley
will rise from this and grow
out of suicide
because in her sleep
she still hears me in her periphery
whispering of siddhartha cross legged under the bodhi tree
and how he discovered
life and death are not separate
and they each come accordingly
and right now she should just
focus on her breathing

and before i close the book
i also add that she’s beautiful
because it’s an important footnote
hermann hesse would want her to know

when i left she hugged me tight
with a tearful mumble goodbye
and when i walked into the sunlight
the two of us had dreamed about together
haley was still just a patch of phoenix ash
an egg hatching but i know her
and it’ll happen fast
but someday suddenly
she will realize she is
full of fire

Abigail is words, whispered in the dead of night
Abigail is pearls, so meticulously shined
Abigail is wind, personal yet public
Abigail is din, a beautiful ruckus

Bigail is books, every breath is a story
Bigail is gems, rich in her glory
Bigail is breeze, a soothing chill
Bigail is ease, with a bit of thrill

Igail is water, playful but cold
Igail is stormy, brewing and bold
Igail is calm, willing to wait
Igail is balm, soothing this place

Gail is half, fading quickly
Gail is worn, fragile and sickly
Gail is Earth, loving and warm
Gail is mirth, behind her thorns

Ail is sweet, and yet so sour
Ail is blood, of the hearts she devours
Ail is tears, as she turns to leave
Ail is fears, that she can't retrieve

Il is less, than sweet Abigail
Il is more, for she left a trail
Il is mad, raving lunatic
Il is bad, coughing and sick

L is tired, ready to go
L is crying, way down below
L is left, hanging by a thread
L is befret, the words she said

* * is nothing
There's nothing left of Abigail
No words left to whisper
Gone without a trail.

Staring at the world
Sitting by the window
watching it pass her by
Sitting by the window
All alone

Her eyes dried red
Forever Incomplete
Regrets left unsaid
She has no retreat

Willingly Given
Forcibly Taken
Pulled Back
to yesterday

Clothes neatly repressed
Easily suppressed
She puts on a new smile
Disguising inflicted vile

Perfect Darling Princess
Daddy's little girl
Alone in her world of shadows
Voices calling out to her in the swirl

Nail Paints
and a Bloodstain Manicure
Cold Faints
feeling so impure

Some wounds
aren't meant to heal
and some scars
are better left unseen

"please!"

There she lays now..
... Forgotten

Darling Abigail
Beauty so broken
Like the promises i made
Holding you against the wall..