wake with a wedding ring
sparkling next to you; fingerless

The first time you kissed me
I knew I loved you
but I could not have you

The first time you touched me
I knew I needed you
but it wasn’t our time

The first time we made love
I knew I could not let go
but in the end I had to

The first time I told you
“I love you”
I let it slip out, so effortlessly
but you, still, were just out of my reach

The first time you
called me your girlfriend
made me realize anything before “us”
was utterly meaningless

I see all of you grieving
because I recently passed.
I hope each day you grieve for me,
it's the last.
just as you never left my side;
I'm always near you,
even though I've died.

I can't describe the way it feels,
only that, all my pain is gone,
and here every broken heart heals…

There is no more self loathing,
betrayal or lies.
It no longer hurts,
  once peace takes over,
insanity subsides…

I know I left you suddenly,
and I never reached out…
you see,
I knew you'd come running
But I wanted out.

  I simply could not continue
with this facade
inside it was dark
I felt twisted
and flawed.
those who were closest to me
can convey
I never wanted
to live my life in this way

I'm sorry I left you
with questions unasked…
I lived barely present;
deeply stuck, in the past.

You all were the reasons
I got up each day,
Your love filled me then
and it still does today.
Please
let the comfort
from our memories
be enough for now.
Try not to focus
on your anger
or obsess over how.

I live in your heart
so please don't be afraid
if you hear my voice whispering,
‘’Don't cry, I'm okay’’

I have lots of friends
and family
I've missed over here,
but remember
I still love you
and hold each one of you dear

I haven't left you
I promise
I'm always right here.

I am grateful
I had such amazing friends
it's crazy
because that is all
really matters
in the end…


Written by
Heidi Shavill
2018

trembling all while I think about leaving you,
oh but how freeing it seems to be too.
i miss your touch; i miss the feeling,
but i can’t have any of it just staring at the ceiling.
i often think it’s time to go separate ways,
but then my head is fogged by this love, this haze,
yet tonight i don’t know that our love will last,  
so goodbye,
this is yours truly,
a lover from the past.