I'm not quite sure when I first realized this body didn't belong to me.
12 years old, just a child, running down the street,
I "recieved" my first catcall.
Middle school me, masked by insecuirty, appauled,
Confused by the meaning behind this "gift" given to me.
Now, everywhere I turn, still a child at 15,
My insecuirty masked by makeup that defines my beauty,
I'm faced with whistles and comments that "raise my self-esteem."
I walk into a store alone and assess the face of everyone who passes by,
Wonder if my shirt is cut too low, or my pants too tight,
Because when I wear something I like, I'm inviting guys to stare at my ***.
Right?

8th grade, I first discovered leggings,
Comfort classier than sweatpants but easier than jeans,
Barely 13, I turn around to "**** Alyssa, who knew you had a *****?"
Harassed daily in the halls by fist bumping boys who made no effort to hide the fact that I was the subject of their conversation.
But attention was attention,
I didn't know I was supposed to care my body was the only thing on display.
The year my best feature turned from my eyes, or my hair, or my smile,
To solely my body.
The year compliments were no longer for my new outfit, but instead my figure.
The year my leggings invited countless guys to add me on Snapchat just to start a conversation with,
"Your *** looked good today."
Classy.

The world is a camera and I'm stuck in the frame,
Hopelessly on show for others to watch,
Wondering if I look alright,
Hoping I didn't blink.

Even now, I find myself turning around,
Making sure I look good in my jeans.
But this body doesn't belong to me,
I never look good just for me to see,
Because I was taught at age 12 that boys will be boys and only care about the outside.
Boys are supposed to look at my backside.
Recently I came to this realization and questioned why I was ever flattered by a comment on my body in a certain garment.
Why I readjusted push up bras and high waisted jeans to impress the boy in my dreams.
When I asked this question outloud, I was faced with "I can't help the fact you have a nice body."
"It's a compliment. If you don't like it, don't wear tight things."
But now I realize it's society.
Society is the monster that teaches young girls they are toys.
Society teaches ***, catcalls, and harassment to the boys.
I scroll through my Instagram feed, and posts show me that I am supposed to look nice.
For a man.
Because what's the point in wearing a bikini if a man doesn't see?
Right?
Wrong.

Standing in front of me in my mirror is a body marked by society.
Makeup that makes my skin and eyes pretty, society put that brush in my hand and taught me to paint.
Hair frying under heat,
Clothes that show my best features, according to society.
Now its 6:33 in the morning, I've been up for two hours, I'm blow drying my hair and wondering why the hell I care.
A body on show for everyone else to see,
This body doesn't belong to me.

We all have a forbidden apple.
The fruit that we know will poison us with one bite-
You are mine.
I stand in the forbidden garden and stretch to reach for you.
My hands shake, as I know it is wrong.
I know you are toxic,
Yet, I pick you from the branch, and like Snow White, I take a bite.

The day you walked up to me and said hello, I didn’t yet know,
How truly tragic the outcome would be.
You brought me upon your wings and up we rose, into the clouds that clouded my thoughts and concealed your true colors.
On this day I had no idea who you were,
I knew not your intentions,
and so my feelings grew stronger.

Everyone says “no.”
They say they know what is right.
You are dangerous, they say,
But I cannot help but take another bite.

How could I ever walk away from you,
When you are the only one that makes the butterflies flutter in my stomach and fly to my heart?
One look at your blinding sunlight and the backs of my eyelids are burned,
with blue dots that take the shape of you.

How I long to join in on your game.
Cave in to your sweet, thick, chocolate words.
As the chocolate melts, so do I.
But words aren’t sweet if not spoken from the heart.
Your words are empty;
artificial and hollow.
I find this hard to remember.

Every word you say screams “stop.”
I ignore this, I only hear the words you whisper from the depths of my daydreams.
In hidden messages you tell me you will never love me,
just as you could never love her.
You are incapable of showing true emotion, unable to open your mind to the possibility of something real.
Yet, I take my heart from my chest and place it into your hands, weak as you drain my power.

You are cold,
You are selfish.
You don’t care for me,
You didn’t care for her,
and you won’t care about the next one either.

How does it feel? To know this truth, and know that I know it too?
How does it feel to be up in the stars, the only planet that I orbit?
The only face in my washed up, weary eyed dreams that disappear in morning light?

I cannot escape you.
Every step I take away from you brings me closer.
The waterfalls of tears fall from my eyes and create rainbows in yours.
Your rainy day attitude is the cloud that hangs above me.
Your storm never stops,
It rains down on the trees that the apples don’t fall far from.

I have wavered, almost escaped.
Others come and go, but the pull of your gravity makes it impossible to step away.
Dangerous love is the most intriguing of all.
In a heartbeat, I choose you over safety.

I can see the end, I know it is near.
I know they are right.
I will no longer be the one.
You’ll decide to play a new game and cast me to the side, the forgotten memory that never gets played.
You will find someone new to replace me,
Just as I replaced her so little time ago.
Your cycle is more predictable than the rain.

You are forbidden fruit,
I have never been the apple of your eye.

You are just living life you say.
What a life that must be, meddling with the feelings of others.
You are a tornado and yet I continue to look past your path of destruction.
Uprooted trees and piled up cars,
Your hurricane of actions causes earthquakes around me, yet somehow I am still standing.

Why do we always reach for that apple?
The one with the mushy brown spots and the rotten core.
You may be poisonous,
But for now, my desire for you remains pure.
(a.m.)

We all have a forbidden apple.
The fruit that we know will poison us with one bite-
You are mine.
I stand in the forbidden garden and stretch to reach for you.
My hands shake, as I know it is wrong.
I know you are toxic,
Yet, I pick you from the branch, and, like Snow White, I take a bite.

The day you walked up to me and said hello, I didn’t yet know
How truly tragic the outcome would be.
You brought me upon your wings and up we rose, into the clouds that clouded my thoughts and concealed your true colors.
On this day I had no idea who you were,
I knew not your intentions,
and so my feelings grew stronger.

Everyone says “no.”
They say they know what is right.
You are dangerous, they say,
But I cannot help but take another bite.

How could I ever walk away from you,
When you are the only one that can navigate the winding roads in my stomach that turn with every glimpse of your face?
One look at your blinding sunlight and the backs of my eyelids are burned,
with blue dots that take the shape of you.

How I long to join in on your game.
Cave in to your sweet, thick, caramel apple words.
As the caramel melts, so do I.
But words aren’t sweet if not spoken from the heart.
Your words are empty;
artificial and hollow.
I find this hard to remember.
You are cold,
You are selfish.
You don’t care for me,
You didn’t care for her,
and you won’t care about the next one either.

How does it feel? To know this truth, and know that I know it too?
How does it feel to be up in the stars, the only planet that I orbit?
The only face in my washed up, weary eyed dreams that disappear in morning light?

Every word you say screams “stop.”
I ignore this, I only hear the words you whisper from the depths of my daydreams.
Your actions tell me you will never love me, just as you could never love her.
You are incapable of showing true emotion, unable to open your mind to the possibility of something real.
Yet, I take my heart from my chest and place it into your hands, weak as you drain my power.

I cannot escape you.
Every step I take away from you brings me closer.
The waterfalls of tears fall from my eyes and create rainbows in yours.
Your rainy day attitude is the cloud that hangs above me.
Your storm never stops,
It rains down on the trees that the apples don’t fall far from.

I have wavered, almost escaped.
Others come and go, but the pull of your gravity makes it impossible to step away.
Dangerous love is the most intriguing of all.
In a heartbeat, I choose you over safety.

I can see the end, I know it is near.
I know they are right.
I will no longer be the one.
You’ll decide to play a new game and cast me to the side, the forgotten memory that never gets played.
You will find someone new to replace me,
Just as I replaced her so little time ago.
Your cycle is more predictable than the rain.

You are forbidden fruit,
I have never been the apple of your eye.


You are just living life you say.
What a life that must be, meddling with the feelings of others.
You are a tornado and yet I continue to look past your path of destruction.
Uprooted trees and piled up cars,
Your hurricane of actions cause earthquakes around me, yet somehow I am still standing.

Why do we always reach for that apple?
The one with the mushy brown spots and the rotten core.
You’re poisonous,
Yet I let you in, and I’m left wanting more.

Dawn breaks across the horizon,
Painted in red and orange hues,
Possibly the most beautiful thing in the world,
I’m only looking at you.
Fields blow in the breeze,
Cool and serene behind closed doors,
But I don’t need the touch of the wind,
It could never match yours.
Rivers flow,
Birds call,
These songs are great,
But yours is the greatest of all.
The sun shines,
Its beams covering the earth day by day,
But the sun is unnecessary,
When I can just bask in your rays.