for the first time
in 1,460 days
since i have laid eyes on you
i feel okay

i am standing on my own two feet
without you

i look around to find you
in the crowd
not out of excitement
but out of fear
of your fist finding my neck
once again

its like the weight of the world
has been lifted off my back
the weight of your world
has been lifted out of my life

i am free
never to be consumed by you

ever again

i want all of the hate
i have for my body
to seep out of every hole

until there is nothing left
but my hollow self
to fill with only

s e l f     l ov e

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will it cleanse my soul
of all the darkness
of all the pain

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will i be happier
will it fix the cracks within soul
and mend it all together

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will it erase the bruises you left on my body
will it erase the emotional ones too

you have showered my soul
with light
with love
with softness
with ease

always asking permission
always seeking to
make me laugh
to smile

and you do it every time
every **** time

you sit there knowing
i could have
thrown myself at any man
in the room
yet before i get a chance
you stop me

you stopped my numbness
this numbness i have had for years
thank you for making me feel
for showing me i am worth it
for showing me i can be soft
for showing me light
for showing me genuine true laughter

tonight i showed
my friend all the pieces
i have written

my past
my present
my future
all of them

i dont know if she liked them
and in all honesty
i dont care
if she truly does

because i do
these are MY words
this is MY story

and no one
not even you
can take that
from me

Do you have any idea

how you make me feel
how you make my soul feel
like it is finally home
after a long tiresome journey

a journey in which day felt like night
a journey where i was not sure
when i would reach the destination
or where the destination was exactly

but then you
oh you

the moment my soul felt yours
the moment our eyes met across the bar
i knew right then
right there

i was home

finally

what am i doing wrong
to have lost
who i thought was the
love of my life

if you are not
the love of my life
like i thought you were
how could i trust myself with anything?

i have learned nothing is set in stone
a person can wake up one day
and not love you anymore
hell
they may not have even loved
you at all

and now i am
rambling my feelings
because i am so
******* lost

you broke me
into a million little fragments
and im trying to glue myself back together
but each time i do
a gust of emotions
hits me like the wind
and sends the pieces
to the ground again

and i start over
every ******* time

im lost
and you broke me