saw something i can't erase from my memory
yet it's physically deleted from yours.
now there is no proof of your infidelity
besides my word.
you make excuses and tell me to keep quiet
not to start something over nothing.
what is nothing to you
is a lot of something to me.
you care more about the feelings of another
than you do about mine.
you lie to others about our relationship
you act as if you don't love me
as if you will leave me
but the second i say i will leave you
you are crying, with more excuses.
this is an all too familiar road for me
and i refuse to go down it again.
so many tears and excuses now
i could drown in them.
you still fight to keep toxic things
in your life.
you still fight to keep me content
by your side.
what your reasons are
i will never understand.
you never really loved me
you don't know what love is.
i will find a way to expose you both.
the last laugh will be mine.

Where were you when I started crying every day at 2?

Where were you when life contemplating was the only thing I could do?

Where were you when the pain of every thing that has ever hurt me hit me all at once?

Where were you when I found the razor blade and started cutting again for fun?

Where were you when I cut too deep and the world slowly faded to black?

You aren't here, you never are, so who knows whose fate is that.

When I heard about it I was hurt, saddened, mortified.
I couldn't believe someone I remembered to be so full of life had died.
I remember playing D&D; for hours at a time.
I remember our characters always doing something out of line.
I remember your brother (as our DM) playing a little frog to help us get back on track.
I remember stealing only pens and that same little frog eraser at walmart, just to have security stop us outside and ask me for the nail polish back.
I remember our photo shoot, and the picture of us standing back to back.
And the one that looked like you were staring at my shirt, we all had a big laugh about that.
I remember when you and I became close, and were together almost everyday.
I remember how reckless we were, but wasn't that always our way?
I remember karaoke nights, going clubbing, parties at Casey's, and trips to Niagara Falls.
I remember through everything what a good friend you were to me, I remember that most of all.
I love you and miss you Jon.
I will always remember you.

What does one say, who does not understand.
"Look at that loser"
"There out of control"
"Thank God that's not me"

What *******!
If you were never there, you will never care or understand.

Unless it happens to you or a loved one.
I now exactly what your thinking.
Never in my life time and I praise you if that happens.

But be real, look at today's society.
I know Layers that said it.
I know Judges that said it.
I know Politicians that said.
I know Doctor's that said.
I know Musician's that said it.
I know Actor's that said it.
The rich, the poor, your friend next door.
This is just to name a few.

Are you better then us, do you but yourself on a pedestal,
for demeaning an addict or do step up and learn about addiction.

These are not only good people but great people.
They try to fight their demon straight on, which is
the toughest battle that anyone can fight.

I can only say one last thing.
I wish the best for everyone and
hope that you never have to deal with this battle.

We are not bad people
We just have bad ways,
and that one day we will overcome our battle.

*God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.
The courage to change the things that I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I only wanted some
peace and serenity

With this gun to my head
I think I've found it

From the barrel to my brain
It takes away the pain

I'm scared to die but
Now there's no way around it

I fell inside this hole and it's too deep
I've climbed so long but it's too steep
I reached the top and now I'm alone
To get to you,
I've gotta fall back in the hole

If I drag you out
Will you run away
If I stand you up
I don't expect you to stay

But if I save you before I save myself
I'll resent you and still be on that shelf
In my dress
          In my rouge
                    In my heels
And glassy eyes
Cuz I don't know how to feel

I hide behind the mask cuz it's easy
I say I love you and you believe me
I stare blankly at the world
That's how they stare at me
No one understands
I'm not who I'm supposed to be

My time has come and gone
I can't forgive the wrongs
I know I tried too hard. . .
Just wanted to sing my songs

I saw forever in your eyes. . .


                Then you closed them.