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I don't know how to start, but I'm sure going to finish,
I'm going round in circles, I might as well start with singing,
I will sing songs, songs of my unending pains,
Tell tales of the time I felt alone, used, abandoned
Tales of when my heart gave away and it hurt continually,
Tales of how I covered up every moment with smiles,
I smiled so beautifully I almost believed it was me,
I wanted to believe I was that happy, but I was dropped.

See I found out something about me,
I get too emotionally attached to people and it comes hunting me,
Almost like everyone is waiting to drop me,
like they all get tired of me at some point,
like I'm really not what people want,
I realized I'm always an option, a not so good friend,
I want to cry but the tears already dried up
I mean I could get up but who wants me,
A little motivation is all I need
who cares die if you can, scream all you can
no one's coming to save you, to save me
I was born this way, prolly would die this way

who exactly am I?
It hurts, my heart is hurting deeply cos everyone I care about sees me as a second choice, an option feels like I'm a nobody... It hurts
What is life?
Could somebody be kind enough to explain,
What is living?
Could anyone be kind enough to show me?
I really need to know, I've lost myself in the process of trying to find myself,
I am dead in the process of trying to live,
The troubles of life has somewhat restricted my airflow,
I choke at every given second, I'm a wandering spirit on the earth with no goal as to where I'm headed,
I have lost all, friends, family and all I could ever boast of
Am I better of dead?
Would I be good if only I do not open this eyes anymore?

Is anyone out here, kind enough to show me what life is?
Is anyone here to explain life to me?
I'm drowning!!!!
I've lost myself in life, why trying to get myself, now I'm a complete stranger in my body, I need help from anyone at all, anyone here to listen to me??
Perhaps this is what the meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching
I always loved you
How could you,
How could you be so cold,
How could you decide to show the inhumane side of you,
How could you be so annoying

I thought I was yours,
Yours to keep and cherish,
Yours to hold onto and never let go,
Yours to keep close

You touched me with your cold hands,
You made me sick to my stomach,
Called me names
And I lost my emotions

I became a wandering spirit,
Broken and embittered,
Cold to touch, cold to feel,
Alas! I've become so cold
Omo in this life I've been through a lot, gosh I was so tired, I've become so emotionless and I can't even feel myself
He would call my name everytime I passed,
Offering to lend a helping hand,
He would sing to me of how beautiful I looked,
Yet I didn't even give him a chance

I was too proud to speak to him,
Even while I was hoping one day he'd make it,
I was too angered by the way he called me,
Cos what does this niccur want from me

He greeted everyone,
Both the old and the young,
With an ever smiling face,
He was ready to brighten up our day

He was loved by many,
Yet got stabbed by those he cared for,
His death shook me
Now I'm left to wonder

To wonder what it could have been,
If only we'd been best of friends,
I miss him more than I let know,
I walk by hoping to see him calling my name,
A death that shook me to my wits

Rest on niccur,
You're dearly missed😫
Death sometimes take those we least expect it to take and we're left with nothing but memories, this person meant so much to me without even knowing it and I want his legacy to forever live on in the heart of people
My head was pounding,
The world was spinning.
I can't see my surrounding,
Pain is only beginning.

I could hear your voice,
You were weeping and crying.
In the background noise,
I could hear the medics trying.

The silence is creeping,
A sleep I can't escape.
My eyes were falling,
My vision full of shapes.

I'm sorry I didn't make it for you,
Hope you can find someone new.
Oh Darling, there are two sides to me.
There's the side that is strong, soft, courteous and loving,
And another side that I never want you to see.

It's not distinguished by internal and external.
It's not a split personality.
Inside, there are two voices,
Arguing, daily.

For description's sake, I'll name them both.
I'll call the side that you know, Bright.
And the side you don't, Dark.
You'll understand the name choice with a little more insight.

Inside me they're in constant battle.
They hijack my every thought.
They agree on most things, usually.
But, on this, they're caught.

Bright is the one to sit back,
And smile no matter how much she's in pain.
While Dark stands up and speaks out.
Most of what she does is all in vain.

Bright feels tears swell up, and a lump form in her throat.
Her hands begin to tremble, and she can feel her heart ache.
While Dark is gulping angrily, and is clenching her fists.
She is embarrassed of her weakness. She refuses to let her heart break.

Dark is considering her options.
She analyzes all she knows.
While Bright is putting on a brave face.
But her pain is so strong, it shows.

You wrap your arm around me,
And Dark starts to go off in a rant.
She says; “Bright, come on, you know better!”
Bright shakes her head and says; “I can't.”

Dark is so infuriated, she begins to tear herself apart.
She is reckless. She doesn't think. She just goes straight for her heart.

Bright tries to calm Dark with soothing words of care.
But it proves difficult to find any, when there aren't any there.

Dark lets out an evil laughter that bounces round inside.
Bright becomes so afraid she searches for a safe place to hide.

Your fingers drum gently on my rib cage,
And your image fills up my mind.
Bright steps out into the open,
With this incredible, golden find.

She says; “Dark he loves me. He's the one for me in life.”
Dark does not interrupt Bright, but instead just shakes her head.
“You're a foolish girl, Bright. Do you know that?”
From Bright, not another word is said.

“Bright, what has happened to you?
Can you not see him in that state?
How low have you let yourself fallen,
To allow yourself to love the thing you hate?”

No response comes from Bright now,
Dark can see she has become numb.
Nevertheless, she continues talking.
As your fingers continue to beat me like a drum.

The tensions swiftly rising as Dark continues on.
She tells Bright of all her stupid wishes, wants and dreams,
And how she has given up on all of them.
Dark is right, it seems.

The tears in Bright's eyes glisten,
And her heart is slowly beginning to drop.
She's become so numb inside now,
She can't even tell Dark to stop.

Just as I begin to say my own little piece,
Another voice cuts in with something better to say.
Dark shakes her head again and says;
“Come on, Bright, give me one good reason to stay?”

Bright just stands there looking helpless.
Tears begin to throb beneath her skin.
Dark feels no mercy.
To her, this is a win.

Dark takes full control of me.
As Bright has no choice but to step back.
Dark is stronger than Bright,
Fuelled by emotions Bright does lack.

The vision that was once distorted,
By the tears Bright brought to my eyes,
Is cleared up in an instant,
As Dark happily says her goodbyes.

Goodbye to your beautiful face,
And your wonderful mind and heart.
Goodbye to your open arms,
That have held me up since the start.

Goodbye to your great smile,
That special one, just for me.
Goodbye to all our memories,
And to the future we'll never see.

Bright takes her position beside Dark,
To join in with the farewell.
She decided she can no longer fight Dark.
But this is something she doesn't tell.

As I take a final look around me,
I think about the past year.
I think of all the things I could have done,
And all the places I could have been instead of here.

Regret dominates me.
Even Bright can feel it now.
Dark urges me to leave as quick as I can.
But I'm still trying to figure out how.

What excuse could I possibly make up?
And where on Earth am I going to go?
What are they all going to think of me?
My heart's beating so fast, I fear it may blow.

You look concerned as you ask me if I'm okay.
I smile and say; “Yeh, of course I am” in my best disguise.
Dark knows you're content with my answer.
But Bright hopes you can see the truth within my eyes.

You continue your jolly conversation,
With everyone else around us.
Bright can see who you truly are now,
And she doesn't make a fuss.

You whisper a soft 'I love you.'
And Bright stays silent as I say it too.
She dreams of an alternative world,
Where the words you've said are true.

Bright's heart shatters like a glass,
As I finally build up the courage to go.
But just as I'm beginning to take to my feet,
Inside, Dark is screaming; “No!”
7 September 2015

© All Rights Reserved Joanne Heraghty
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