you do not find peace nor take comfort in transience

you never have and never will

the cycle of grief is the only consistency

oh let me be safe here
let me escape the tragedy
I'm in your arms
let me burrow so deep beneath your skin let me turn into cotton let me feel a body with mine

oh let me escape, let my fibula system click into place and send the right pulses to my brain in all the right places with nothing amiss amongst the gray matter

you're a real boy, and so am I!
skin, two, twin, one
mad scientist in love, a deluded state! I'm clearly not that insane if i know such big words!
I'm clearly not insane if i can feel, here, your flesh with mine, it does not burn it only warms my skin, gently

I'm clearly not insane if i proceed, go foreward, kiss your forehead and run my fingers through your hair, god how I've missed human beings like you

your hands trailing down my back,
your idle plaything
it feels like you're doing God's work

I AM MALAJUSTED I WALK WEIRD I TALK FUNNY I HAVE SPEECH SALAD I ROCK BACK AND FORTH I TWITCH I TICK I BLINK WEIRD I SEIZURE I FALL OVER I REPEAT THINGS I ECHO I LOVE THE NUMBER 7 I CAN'T HAVE SHOWERS I SCREAM I MELTDOWN I BREAK BONES I SIT I STARE AT SPACE FOR HOURS ON END I ASK WHOSE BODY IS THIS I HAVE SCREAMED IN MY MOTHERS FACE I HAVE CRIED ABOUT SCREAMING IN MY MOTHERS FACE I WOULD RATHER STARVE THAN EAT THAT FOOD I WOULD RATHER GET BEAT THAN EAT THAT FOOD I CANT HANDLE YOU YELLING AT ME I PUNCHED THE HEAD MISTRESS FOR TOUCHING ME I GOT EXPELLED FOR PUNCHING THE HEAD MISTRESS I HATED MYSELF FOR IT I WISHED GOOD WOMBS HAD BOURNE BETTER SONS I USED TO FANTASISE ABOUT KILLING MYSELF IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL SO THEY'D KNOW THEY DID THAT TO ME I USED TO FANTASISE IT WAS THE SCHOOLS FAULT AND NOT MINE FOR BEING MALAJUSTED I TRIED TO JUMP FROM THE TOP FLOOR BUT THEY RESTRAINED ME I TRIED TO GO HOME BUT THEY LOCKED ME IN THAT TINY ROOM I TRIED TO ESCAPE BUT THEY RESTRAINED ME I DON'T FEEL HUMAN I DON'T FEEL REAL

I WISH I WAS HUMAN

"****** purest," swims through her head, shes growing,
oh god, oh the sinking dread

unrecognisable, her eyes with the shame,
her blood poisoned, the toxins remain
pulsating through her skin, her brain

and when you eat her guts from the inside out
while shes crying for her mum

shes a good for nothing, good for nowt

and she tastes like blood and ***

people always told me to hold onto the spark but it only ever got me in trouble
neurosis crawling up my spine and stunting the growth just below my neck

I am stunted, those boys in baggy school blazers and leather shoes will grow into men and I've barely got an inch on them

a savant of sorts, sure, but I'm not a child anymore
my ways hold me back; my ways hold me down

the spark I was told to to hold on ever so tightly, it hurts peoples eyes and burns their fingertips

I will not grow
I will only die down and submit to
the natural elements

disintegrate along with the vapour of the candle when it burns out

there was definitely a spark
it could have been a match to a gas leak
the striplights could have all blown at once
everyone else in the world besides you and me could have gone up in flames

I didn't hear it, I didn't see it,
but I know something happened

because god,
my heart is on fire