My depression is a shape shifter
Some days it can be as big as a lion
And others it can be as small as a bee
On the good days I can feel happy and free like a weight has been lifted from god knows what
But on the bad days... god the bad days
It can feel like the world is against me, i wake up and my body tells me no. I go to school and avoid everyone because I know I will either hurt them or myself like I constantly do. it's not just physical pain either it's emotional pain that never stops like someone constant telling me I'm worthless.I'm ugly.
Why are you here?!? I ask myself
Why did god put me here just to torture me
And on these days a little bit inside of me shrivels up and dies
It's like smoking, the first time it's not that bad but after a while your lungs start collapsing, slowly dying inside of you without you knowing until it's too late to change it.
On the bad days I lie to everyone and say I'm fine
IM FINE!
Are you actually kidding me! Do you honestly believe that I'm fine?
Look at my arms and my legs
Do you not see them scars do you not see that my only way of me not killing myself is to control my physical pain because clearly my emotional pain is out of control.
On the bad days it's like a downwards spiral which I don't know when it will stop or if it ever will.
On the bad days I don't know if I will beat my battle I don't know if I will **** my demos
But I hope and I pray that one day. One day someone will see how actually messed up I am.
How can they not see it already!
It's not going to be until I try and **** myself that you or someone else will actually work it out!
I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Here.
I. Want. To. Die.
But then I don't
If that's my only way out I'll take it but I don't want to
Mum say " I just want you to be happy"
How! How can I be happy when most days I feel like there's no point, everyone hates me any way so what's the point!
You don't understand.
My depression is a shapeshifter.
I hope one day you will work it out

I heard them when I was five.
A whisper. A soft caress.
I couldn't believe they'd be like the rest,
So soft and loving, they were the best
A gentle breeze, is what they were,
and gentle they stayed, until they weren't,
I didn't know they'd only bring hurt.

I saw them when I was ten.
A home. A friend.
But they spun and moved so I couldn't see,
What they really turned out to be.
By now they had my trust in their hand,
Why couldn't I see this is what they had planned?
The ghost in my head, they're driving me mad.

They killed me when I was fifteen.
A blessing? A curse?
The words they said, on repeat in my mind,
until my mask was the only thing left to hide behind.
But one monday night when it became too much,
My life, my youth, was stripped from my clutch
And the ghost said goodbye, for they owed me that much.

I see the violence,
I hear no laughter,
It's all faith to capture;
I can feel the rapture,
Disaster another chapter,
Darkness within these walls,
a fall,
No more buildings too tall.
Fire choking the young,
It's only just begun.
There's no sun,
We hear a bomb,
Run,
Innocent children,
Deprived of fun,

Shrapnel flying everywhere,
Smoky air,
Streets are bare,
It's all despair,
I feel the Animosity,
Subconsciously,
Knowing I'm dead probably,
We do this to our society,
Because we have religion and rivalry,
Violently, involved yet independently,
You walk so silently,
Scared of your own shadow frightfully,
Tirelessly,
With your messed up psychiatry,
That’s irony.

I miss her light,
She brings in this darkness,
I'll wait here by the phone,
With these stained curtains closed,
My walls are already dripping,
In regret and Revere.

I miss her light,
Heating up this cold heart,
Longing for those bright eyes,
Truly a work of art,
I just need a moment to apologise.

I miss her light,
I'll tell myself not to ride,
Down this road of infinite,
Into a world of terror,
If heaven or hell decide,
Which destiny I'll reside.

I'll still be here, thinking of you,
In the darkest of rooms.