And I loved you…

Down to the lines on your hands 

&
the crooks of your knees.
-
With your broken eyes

&
your crooked smile,

I loved you.

And tonight
,
neither you

nor the stars,
can contain me.

When one of my best friends died a couple years ago I was devastated. Actually, I don’t think devastated can begin to encompass what I felt at the time. I mean I still feel it. There are nights when I can’t shake this dull throbbing ache in my chest. Nights when dawn just can’t come fast enough. Losing her hurt. It hurt because she and I were so close but it also hurt because she was the only person that I could be myself around. In a society dominated by *** and strength I could be weak and vulnerable with her and she’d never mock me for it. There was never anything ****** between us. There was never a need for it. We met and we just clicked. We couldn’t have been closer even if we tried. I’d told her that where I came from there’d always be hundreds of stars out at night. And that whenever I used to feel low that I’d just sit on my roof and stare at them for hours, wishing I could find my way to a far away planet that orbited one of them. When I told her that I was truly at peace when I’d be staring up at them she never laughed. Never made fun of me. She told me that she felt the same way about the ocean. That something about the sound of the waves rolling in and out had the same impact on her.

She was the first person to ask to come stargazing with me. And I was the only person she ever invited to listen to the ocean with her.

Pretty soon after our conversation we made plans to do both. One night we just hopped in her car and drove. The nearest small beach was maybe two hours or so away from the big city we lived in. That first night as we laid under the stars with our feet in the wet sand, I felt at peace. I felt as if everything in the world made sense and all that really mattered was that one moment. That one night. The drive back hurt like hell. I think she must’ve felt the same way because neither one of us could stop sniffling or rubbing our eyes until she dropped me off. In fact we couldn’t even look at each other until we said goodbye. It was a shock to be so intimately connected to someone else.
Soon after, we made plans to go back as often as we could. Sometimes we’d go 5-6 times a month. We’d always look forward to those trips and I remember that no matter what came up we’d always find a way to get out of it for the sake of our little getaways.

Eventually we started going less and less. She got a boyfriend and he hated the fact that we were friends. She still hung out with me but I could see the strain it was putting on her relationship so I backed off. She couldn’t understand it. She felt as if I had abandoned her. I wanted to tell her that I hadn’t but I never did. One night she confronted me and I was an *** to her. No other way to put it. I thought that she needed a love life more than she needed her best friend. We saw less and less of each other after that. I think eventually she just stopped calling. Tired of me blowing her off. I couldn’t bring myself to go to our beach without her and so I spent the next couple of months gazing up at a starless sky from within a city of dazzling lights.
I wish you could understand how hard and fast my heart began to beat when I saw her name flash across the top of my screen. I leapt at the phone and knocked it off the edge of my desk in my panicked frenzy to answer. And I wish you could understand how utterly my heart broke when I heard her sobbing on the other end of the line. She told me that he had cheated on her. That she had found out in the middle of a party that they were at. She felt embarrassed and humiliated. I wish you could understand how angry I felt at that moment. At him for putting her through that, at myself for not being there to knock his teeth out. Not being there to take care of her.

She was driving. Drunk and hysterical. I stayed on the phone with her as I quickly got dressed and left my house to jet over to her place. I remember telling her the usual generic things that one says to a friend going through a rough breakup. I also remember asking her if she’d like to take a trip with me sometime soon, like we used to. That had gotten her to stop crying. I wish you could understand just how sweet the tiny chuckle that escaped her was to my ears. I remember just how her voice sounded when she said that she’d love that. Right before she told me that she was home and to hurry over as soon as I could.
I remember I stopped to get her chocolate and flowers. There was a line. I waited maybe 20 minutes. I remember getting to her apartment. The door unlocked. I called her name.

No answer.
Running water.
Bathtub.
Red.

I remember my eyes burning. A bottomless pit in my chest. I remember the paramedics saying that they were maybe just 15 minutes or so too late. I remember her telling me to hurry over as soon as I could. As soon as I could. I wish you could understand how long it took for my hands not to feel like they were still covered in her blood. Or how I still can’t hear her name and not flinch.

Most of all,
I wish
YOU,
could understand just how much spending a night with you on the beach gazing up at the stars meant to me.

Happiness?

Happiness is;
driving for an hour,

running out of cigarettes,

pulling into a gas station,

realizing you left your wallet at home,
breaking down in your car,

pummeling the steering wheel,

screaming your lungs out,

gasping for breath as you cry,

wondering when you’ll catch a break,
begging the universe for a sign

and just as you’re about to lose it
finding a $10 bill
poking out from under the floor mat.


It’s buying that pack.

Happiness?

Happiness is;
laughing,

it’s laughing like a madman,

because you know it’s truly okay,
happiness is throwing that pack away,
because you don’t need it anymore,

it’s smiling on the drive back.

When your heart is broken,
happiness is whatever you make it
and whatever you need it to be.

A black metal cell,

for my body.

A white padded cell,

for my mind.

A red beating cell,

for my heart.

How long will you continue,

to lock me up…?

My never born firstborn,
Life seems so empty
and I find that my heart
aches for you.

Death has never been more inviting
than it is right now.
The reaper lures me closer
with the sound of your voice.

I need you to touch,
I need you to see,
I need you so much,
I need you with me...

I cannot stop crying.
Because the memories
we'll never have
continue to run down my cheeks.

You have left me with an unfillable void
That grows larger with every day.
You are so wonderful to think about,
and heartbreaking,
to be without.

I may still be here,
but a part of me
is surely lost,
for all eternity.

I will try to be better for you.
And if you want it true,
I have never been more ashamed,
than when I learned that I failed you...

Protected,
you were supposed to be
loved and cherished forever.
And I think that this loss within me
will resonate,
ending never.

Heaven and earth may lay between us
but I will never forget,
that for however brief it may have been,
you made a father of a man full of regret.

I hope that angels use their wings
to wipe away your every tear.
After every tragic moment of life
about your mother and I that you hear

For the loss of a child slain
what words could suffice?
To break the veil of such a pain
to thaw a heart encased in ice.

Had I known...
If only she hadn't been on her own.
Perhaps now,
you wouldn't have to be alone.

Had I been for her enough,
perhaps you would've got to meet us.
The broken light of a still white dawn
and a hurricane from darkness drawn.

They say that there is nothing harder
than a father having to bury a daughter.
We could've had a child to tuck into bed
but we have a guardian angel instead.

I just wanted you to know,
that you are still missed down here.
That there are still people,
who will forever hold you dear.

I will always wonder who
you would've been.
What books you would've read.
The silly things you would've said.

With whatever color eyes and hair
you would've certainly been,
the fairest of the fair.
Such a beautiful,
delicate
little thing.

I know dear,
I miss her too.
She will be loved forever
in me and you.

I hope you are cuddled.
Never too far,
from puppies and kittens
wherever you are.

I will look for you
in every single star.
Knowing you watch over me,
from afar...