I know our relationship was wrong,
It never should have reached that point.
I thought I was smart,
But your love was some crazy hit.
I was so alone,
In such such mind numbing pain.
You were also mentally ******,
Didn’t realize our relationship was insane.
Why do I still miss you?
And think about you all the time.
When I know you shouldn’t have done this,
Knew from the start it was a crime.
Everyone calls you a sick creep,
And I really wish to believe this.
Because then it wouldn’t be so hard,
I wouldn’t be in painful abyss.
Still can’t believe I fell for it,
Allowed myself to be swept along.
You were there for a reason,
Made me believe I belong.
Made me smile through the tears,
When I was at my lowest.
You really did help,
Made me become my best.
I wouldn’t have fell for it and you,
Unless it was for a reason.
To keep me alive,
But I still have a question.
Why the hell did it have to be this way?
Why the **** did it have to be you?
Why couldn’t the person who saved me,
Be someone I can stay close to?

I had the pill bottle open,
I was ready to take the plunge.

Blood running down my thighs,
Dripping on the dark wooden floor.

Had written the note,
Saying why I give up.

Had panickly called the hotline,
Shockingly dialed the number.

Hung up when a kind woman answered,
Too scared to be talked out of it.

Spilled the pills in my palm,
The knife still cutting every inch available.

But I wasn’t brave,
Couldn’t do it.

Was a wimp,
So fell asleep.

Rode on the bus,
Wincing from the pain.

Smiled,
Faked.

I can’t find the note,
Did I throw it out.

Did I imagine the night,
Did it really happen.

No I have scars to prove it,
But they are fading.

And I’m fading again,
So will I do it again.

It’s a year later,
I’m braver now.

Clouds look so free
They are able to shape themselves
Have a vast canvas
To spread their art
But while they look though most free
They are prison to routine
When they finally look the best
They fall apart

When I space out
I’m not in lala land.

I’m in the depths of hell
Drowning alone.

I’m not skipping amongst flowers
With a lover holding my hand.

I’m alone suffering my self inflicted pain.
Even if I’m surrounded by my people.

So don’t wave your hand in front of my face.
And make me pretend to be happy with you.

Just let me suffer alone.

On the floor music blasting in my ears.
The music echoing in my aching chest.
Every anxious thought striking me with fear.
Leaving me cloudy and depressed.

The artists music reflecting their pain.
That makes me feel like they are with me.
Like being dry in the rain.

It’s looks so perfect.
Somehow in those 60 seconds,
Everything aligns so perfectly,
I just stare at the clock,
How good times looks.

But now it reminds me
Of how imperfect life is for me now
I lost someone so perfect,
Who always made me feel so aligned.

I would stare into those rich eyes,
Like I stare at the clock,
And things would feel perfect.
But others just see us as ugly.

So now when I look at the clock
I don’t see 11:11
I see you.
Baby,
You’re my 11:11 forever.

It’s not my fault
Is what I’m trying really hard to believe.
But you are the sweetest
So how can someone like you do this to me.o

It’s not my fault,
I keep telling myself.
I was ******* drunk,
You shouldn’t have take my yes legitimate.

It’s not my fault,
It’s hard to believe you would take advantage like that.
I’m usually the problem .
But it wasn’t mine this once.

It’s not my fault,
You should have know better,
I think you did.
You just knew I would never allow this sober.

It’s not my fault
you jumped at my “yes”
Then had the nerve to say the next day
I would never without consent.

I’m trying so hard to quiet that voice,
Keep repeating to myself,
It’s not my fault,
But I think it’s my fault.