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Time passes, fear grows
All eventualities
Seep in like poison.

A façade of peace,
An underbelly of pain.
Two halves of one world.

Cracks begin to show.
Forked tails in elegant clothes
Eyes open to more.

Wide smiles show fanged teeth –
Hunched over those that still pray
Is your God alive?

Lands over the sea
We used to think they stood tall.
Now, all is falling.

I’m a Nihilist
For who could look at the world
And still have any hope.
I tried to use a technique I haven't ventured to use in my work: Haiku.

Recently I have been taking a look at my spiritual / religious views and I realised that it isn't that I don't believe an ethereal being (or indeed just a different species, or 'whoever is running the simulation') created the universe, it was that I couldn't believe with the decay of simply everything that there wouldn't be some kind of intervention. If we were in a simulation, for example, surely whoever ran it would not want to see millennia of work self combust.

I realised that I believe in a hell, to an extent. Alongside that, I believe 'God' is dead.
I had some news today.
The kind of news that sits on the surface
Skimming like oil on water.
Then, when least expected,
A match is dropped
And the oil burns.

I watched the fire
Dumbfounded
Knowing all I could do
Was to let it burn out.

There is nothing but ashes now.
The oil is gone.
The water is gone.
All that is left is a black, toxic sludge.
I stare
Knowing I need to face it.
Knowing I need to sift through
The ashes
And sludge
And fear
And horror
To find what's underneath.

Will anything be left?
Or will I be scorched
Condemned.
I went through a very personal trauma in the past couple of weeks.
This was my catharsis.
I walked along, hand in hand
Strolling towards the trees.
I was happy, had no care,
Just the dog, my mother, and me.

I ran my hands, through the green,
Humming - carefree as can be.
I was content, and had no fear,
Just the dog, my mother, and me.

I closed my eyes, to feel the breeze,
Smiling so blissfully,
I sighed, then, I remember -
Just the dog, my mother, and me.

I opened my eyes, and the trees were bare
Barren ground surrounded me -
I screamed, wordless, held on even tighter
Just the dog, my mother, and me.

The sky then bled, my mother screamed
As to why I couldn’t see
My dog barked, and I held on to
Just the dog, my mother, and me.

My mother looked at me, her mouth was open
Still screaming silently
The dog whimpered, why was it only
Just the dog, my mother, and me.

She then faded, I ran after
Holding my dog helplessly
I knew then that image was over, of
Just the dog, my mother, and me.

When I stopped, she was gone, and so was the dog
They were only memories.
Nightmares or dreams - the only way it can be
Just the dog, my mother, and me.
My mother was my best friend and confidant throughout my life. As an Autistic child with mental health problems I leaned on her heavily. After our family went through some severe trauma at which I was the centre, my mother and father became my complete family. When I had just turned 20 (Jan 2013), my mother passed away out of nowhere from a heart attack - I worked in our emergency department and was on shift when she was bought in DOA. I still miss her deeply.
She also got a dog who she absolutely adored. She said she would train it, make it obedient - and instantly caved to everything she wanted. I trained Boo (my dog) and when my mum passed away, Boo became my dog. A A couple of years ago, my dog went to stay temporarily with my aunt while I was sorting  my housing. She was in perfect health. A month later, I get a call from my father telling me my aunt has had her put down and spread the ashes due to a mysterious 'illness' that came from nowhere.

She didn't even let me say goodbye.
Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust,
The end of all we knew.
The death of all the love and trust,
To be reborn anew.

Spring, rebirth, a phoenix,
All symbols we have seen.
One step forward, not a trick
Fleeing from where I’ve been.

Who was I? It matters not,
What matters is where I go.
Sure-footed now, giving all I have got
Can’t let the relief show.

The past is behind, and I don’t dare look back -
Or else I may lose the way
One day at a time, my plan of attack,
I am stronger, or so they say.

What will I face? I’m excited to see
Despite all I’ve left behind.
The worst has now gone, I guarantee
No more will I be blind.

You’re by my side, that’s the difference this time
The reason I’m so sure -
We've both had to hide, now there's you in your prime,
Two halves of something pure.
I wrote this when I was coming out of a terrible time in my life and met my partner.. My life is hard, and things didn't turn in to some fairy tale, but things are a little easier.
Anna Wakefield Feb 2020
I read, like an open book
All others can see the words written on my pages.
I contain tales, read as secretive,
A hushed whisper that only a handful have seen.

But how many times has this booked been checked out?
A sea of white masks, deadpan through the years
So cherished once, now faded, emotionless.
Forgotten both to me, and I to them.

My secrets are secrets no more -
I own my past, without connecting to it.

I am an open book, because who has to connect with a story?
People can project on a tale,
As what better to have in a confidant, than a horror story?
Something you can read from the comfort of your bed,
A scary, scarred, stream of words that still seem otherworldly.

Frankenstein’s monster will never be faced –
So, too, is this failures’ life.

You understand, you say.
You sympathise, you say.

But how can you, when I checked myself out long ago.
I wrote this not long before my abusive ex husband left me. Reading it now, I can't believe how or why I kept convincing myself he was my 'everything'. I was a broken, empty shell. I will never be the person I was when I met him - vibrant, charismatic, confident - but I am slowly piecing my life back together.
Anna Wakefield Feb 2020
I feel nothing, and everything
An empty echo
Trapped, screaming but yawning.
I go unheard.

There is a spark,
a promise of reanimation
in endless pools of blue.

I can die and live
a thousand lifetimes
in an interlocked gaze…

But what happens
when the jolt
no longer
reanimates
the dead.
Like The Library, I wrote this not long before my ex husband left. At this point he had alienated me from my friends and family and I had developed Agoraphobia. I thought he was keeping me alive, keeping me safe - but he was systematically lobotomizing everything I was.

— The End —