there's something holy about this:
I just can't put my finger on it:
I'm begging for forgiveness:
for sins I've yet to commit:

They say to live is to love but
what they don't say is:
to love something
you can never have
with all existence
is gut ripping
Matchstick head pounding
Face burning
flesh Searing
Existence
We should all be so privileged
To experience.

In theory
What we have
should never be
Yet it is
And has been
For almost 2 years
Those times we spend together
I sense you need it also
As it takes us both away
And you say
Please always have time for me
But you can't be mine
In the same sentence
This is very difficult
What you are asking me to do
But I will
*for you

punch my gut
stole my mind
skinned alive
tanned your hide*

i'm more careful bout what
i pray for these days
cuz i prayed for an angel
and boy did i pay

Lurking in the shadows
awaiting in ambush
perfectly camouflaged

Be still then
So I can act surprised

When you take the bait

the demons don't come around much these days

ever since i figured out a way

to take back control

and keep them at bay

i was the perfect puppet
for many years
i made them so powerful
with entitlement and fears

we used to get messy
for huge chunks of time
now they think i'm lame
past my prime

the days are long now
filled with excruciating pain
but this is much better
than hooks in my brain

i do miss them so
oh yes how i mourn
their comforting lies
savory sweet to adorn

the demons don't come around these days

ever since the universe told me it was ok

to be at peace

with the mundane

i got these demons see
they been real good to me
so don't take this personally
but when you come close
they go into a frenzy

this is not
about you at all
i'm looking for the real deal
someone for the long haul

someone who can bring calm to the storm so to speak
what i really need...

She said
she had
one last
thing to show me
*My my were those lessons Holy!

let you slip away
freedom now for my mind
you said selfish
i think kind

allowed to run a course
take a shape of it's own
then reality crept in
and our cover was blown

i still have your gifts to me
they are perfect illusion
sweet memories
of pure delusion

you'll never pull out my roots
their depth is deceiving
10% of me
is all your seeing

i stay low to the earth
down in the dirt
digging for strength
deep in the hurt

i'll never bottom out
staring at the floor
it's my perfect illusion
there's a trap door

when the blades in my gut start to spin
and i lose my focus
and no matter what i do to get you out of my head
doesn't work
that's when i'm missing you

and when the long gray winter of seattle
becomes my best friend
the endless mud and rain
praying for it to never end
that's when i'm missing you

now i will be lonely
no one will ever love me like you did
no one will ever trust me with their most intimate secrets again
and i have no one to tell mine to

i don't want to move on
because i need some time
to mourn the loss
of something i held so tight
for so long

God i miss you

where i long to be
a comforting familiarity
once again behind the 8
do the shadows dissipate?
close my eyes blind
fingertips travelling
the contours of your body
despite my tiny mind
beyond tire
until my passport expires
this isn't where i should be
an illusion of clarity
do i smell fear?
get behind the 8
threshold moments
determine fate

The night you fell asleep in my arms
by 4 am you were long gone
burning up and shuddering in the night
a violent battle raging on

I held on tight listening to every mumbled curse
projecting images of your past
I need to meet those demons you locked horns with last night
after the wormhole collapsed

this is a savory moment
in between
when you find out
what i've been up to

and call me out
i can't keep a secret
i wear it on my smug face
a smiling lying smirk

i'm not proud of what i've done
take complete accountability
but i know if you found out
your almighty hypocrisy
will judge me

it will be completely insane
unlike no other
a come to Jesus moment
i guarantee you brother

or maybe you'll never find out
and i can keep my depravity
it's too much for you to handle
i must protect you from it  

keep it all
to me

waiting for your signal
pop a flare
tell me when your ready*
i'm already there

bags packed
nest egg stashed
escape route planned out
oh yeah we're headed south

when we were kids
just last year
we dreamed of a life together
far from here

we stayed up all night
with sativa and cazadores
promised to tell me when you're ready

since that moment
i've been anxiously awaiting orders

I was so happy for you
When you finally walked out the door
It was clear to me I was dragging you down
Now look at you soar

As you float in the stratosphere
And look down upon the collective
Please consider the start of your journey
A reference for perspective

you gotta get out soon
i have a real bad feeling
gonna swallow you whole
nothing left but
skin and bones

your acting a little erratic
face twitching moods swinging
gonna swallow you whole
regurgitate your
skin and bones

your young enough to turn it around
out of the groove jump the track
but if you're swallowed whole
there's no coming back

love your sense of humor
when you say you're sorry
for torment
you don't act like you care
but i'm sure that's what you meant
it's more of a haunting
to depict accurately
a ghost hiding in the shadows
a shell of what used to be
your red suitcase is packed
constant state of readiness
waiting for your day
in the sun
it will come
we all have
one

black hole eyes
pulling in close
can't resist eyes
begging you to lose
yourself forever
in them eyes
sacrifice everything eyes
when it became intense
you spared me this
a rare act of kindness
averted my stare
warned to not come near
it gave me the second i needed
to glimpse my future
on the other side
chewed up and
spit out
nothingness
Thanks for sparing me
the gray hairs
as i checked for my wallet
it was still there

you saved me
i saved you
similar species
matching tattoos

met in sante fe
a fading memory
or maybe a dream
those days are so fuzzy

you stared me down
i stood my ground
i asked you to be gentle please
you said i got this no worries

i gave myself a mohawk
you said i was a fool
you had missing teeth
made it look cool

you showed me the ropes
not live stay alive
fed me with a slow steady trickle
all you need to survive

you said before me
you had not known equal
if you see these words please reach out
i'm down for a sequel

love something which evades
that will never stay
maybe the wrong time and place
whose to say
so i woke up early
to watch you sleeping
blond hair on my pillow
the sun's rays weaving
that's how I'll keep you
*long after you leave

our intimacy
brings you closer to me
but the monotony
of your insecurity
is boring me

when you jump in my arms
and wrap your legs around my waist
blue dream and khali mist
on your lips all i taste

those wrestling matches
were legendary
you are pretty tough for sure
but i always let you pin me

but you're a lightweight
can't deal with your pain
always looking in the mirror
wondering what could have been

what's wrong babe don't you like what you see?
the day God created you
he should have played the lottery

intimacy brings you close to me
but your insecurity
is killing me

it was a season of lies was what you told me
forgot to mention deceit
i burned through 26 g's with nothing to show
but a shoe box filled with receipts

when the rains came you headed south
so the sun could caress your skin
i was left tracing the contours of your body
fingertips possessed by sin

when i saw you last night you were still wearing
the necklace i gave you when we first met
as i turned to leave i snuck in for a kiss
i guess i'll take what i can get

she wears the necklace i gave her
almost every day
but it lost control
don't be sorry
its not your fault

just took it too far
past the point of broken hearts
i didn't know any better then
i don't know about you
but i was in love with life
for the very first time

you never ended it though
and i dont know why
i've tried to make it easy for you
so many times

or maybe you did
and i was too blind to see
either way we should do it clean
so here it is officially:

we will never be

never

*be

you've built quite the brand
hordes of rabid fans
amassed
frenzied awaiting
stalking
your instagram

impenetrable outer shell
created to protect
the fragile core
you'd love to forget

when it all comes undone
and leaves you stranded
alone with your truth
you'll be
re-branded

Paid my dime
Went for the ride
But the joke was on me
The game stuck on repeat
The same refrain
over and over
in my brain
i.....love.....you
So apprehensive
and with lack of
commitment
like you knew
it would be accompanied by
A heavy burden
but couldn't stop
yourself

lost with the lint
at the bottom of your pocket
fragments of stragglers
long forgotten

once in the light
lost in those eyes
years in darkness
revealed your disguise

new low coming fast
and much greater depth
fingertips embracing
promises never kept

I walked my dog Maggie
Friday night
talkin' smack with my homeys
they alright
stopped at a bar
but didn't go inside
There was a sweet country girl
smoking by the side
Maggie just loved her
so did i
Well i got to be going-
we'll see ya later
She said
I hope so
and i knew
i was
home

Ol' Daddy Time provides death and decay
he will not present options
alternatively

Ol' Daddy Time has near sighted vision
confusing the past with future
potentially

Ol' Daddy Time hustles just like you
he plays a tight game
loosely

Ol' Daddy Time has no patience
for the weak he lacks
empathy

Ol' Daddy Time was busting my chops
when he put you in the road
in front of me