It was four in the morning
We were watching edits
Laying with your head
In my lap the best
Of friends I knew
It wouldn’t last
It couldn’t last
Dice hit the table
What are the odds
It might work out
The silence came slowly
I didn’t even notice
But then
Turn around and you’ll see
Curled up on the bathroom tile
Head in your hands
Tears are not always visible
Look up
Written on the ceiling
How long until it all
Burns down
Which of your truths
Are false
I’ll never know

Now I see why
I couldn’t speak about you
in therapy.

I knew you were
a big part of what happened,
but I simply couldn’t
speak of you directly—
not the way I wanted to.

I think my mind,
smarter than I ever imagined,
was protecting me
from a truth
I wasn’t ready to hold yet.

But the Universe—
God—
this Force,
is guiding me
to see the truth,
to give me clarity.

If I had known before
what I know today,
maybe I would have ended my life.
Maybe I wouldn’t have endured.

But in just one month,
I’ve had a surge of maturity
that is keeping me going.

All I am in
His eyes is
A girl who needs to
Be saved
Does he think
I don’t see
Right through the
Mask he wears
So no I don’t
Want to hang out
With you
I think I’ll just go
And look at the birds
Instead

In the early days
I can’t always remember
Things were so full of yellow and blue
And sunrise and sky
And sprinklers and bikes
Then with parting screams
Life was orange and brown
And sunset and birds
And movies and tears
In it’s wake I drowned with grey and maroon
And clouds and hoodies
And work and sighs
Consumed by the dark I could finally breath
And I became yellow and blue once more

I said,
if I go back,
I lose my progress.
If I don’t,
I lose nothing.

But I went back.
And now I have to ask myself—
maybe I’m learning
to stand my ground,
but I’m losing friends.
People are walking away.

I’m confused as hell.