I can feel it.
It's constantly perched on my shoulders.
Breathing down my neck
Icy fingers dragging down my cheek
Sickeningly sweet
I don't let myself dwell on it for long.
But when I do...
When I face the inevitable, I know
There's nowhere I can run

When I was a child
I was scared of the dark.
Of the monsters that lurk in it
The monsters ready to get me.

When I was a child
I was scared of the monster under my bed
Scared it would come up, grab me by the ankle
And drag me down
Down
Down.

When I was a child
I was scared of ghosts
That they'd haunt me
I thought they were real


I'm not scared of the dark
It's different now.
I'm not scared of the darkness that has embedded itself around me
The darkness I breathe in
Not scared that one day it'll suffocate me.

I'm not scared of the monster under my bed.
I want it to grab me by the ankle
Climb up next to me
And hold me.
Because there's no one who's held my like he could.
No one who knows how broken people need to be held.

I'm not scared of ghosts.
I'm not scared of the silly tricks they pull to scare me.
Now, I want to be one of them
Fly free from my troubles into the afterlife.
Finding my rest in peace.

I know what i have
I'm aware it should feel like the moon and stars were hung.
Just for me.
By her.

That doesn't stop my heart from wanting more.
My brain, my sanity, my focus
They've been tied to my heart's hip as it runs
Head first into the cyclone

The cyclone of wanting more

You can't see it
And I want to tell you
I want to look into your diamond eyes as I say,
"Can you hold me a little longer? Please?"

I find myself awake at night.
Unable to sleep.
Lost in my thoughts.
Talking to myself.
Or my best friend - my notebook.

I've known it since I could talk: freedom will never be mine.
It was never my mother's.
It was never my grandmother's.
It was never my great grandmother's.

When you are raised like I am, you are taught from the moment you can walk
that you will need to be someone's wife.
You know that some day, someone, somewhere will come looking for you.

Sounds sweet, doesn't it?
It is.
Sickening and unsettlingly so.

If you are raised the way I am, love exists.
Just not for you.
It's not something you will get willingly in the end.

Yes, you may find it when you're young.
But in the end
the inevitable is that you will need to force yourself to love him.

And he has to be "him"
Rich, smart.
Who gives a **** about if he's a good person?
Who gives a **** about whether or not he cares?
the whole point is to multiply.

So, slowly,
I've come to acknowledge
that this isn't a Disney movie
No one will come looking, no one will accept
Nor will I be able to look for them
the broken and insane mess that is me.

Trust me, I know it.
I knew it before you said it
before you knew it
before you even thought it.

I wasn't always like this and you know that.
I was vibrant and happy and free and reckless and joyous and dramatic and full and...
and...
and everything was beautiful.

But I know I'm not like that anymore.
Life has pushed me to the ground, held me there and made me watch.
I watched the life disappear from my eyes.
You didn't see it.

You didn't see me looking at myself in the mirror everyday.
Watching the confidence and light drain from my body like water running through a riptide.

So, yes.
Yes, I know I'm not, in your words, "The right head, no offence."
The polite way of calling me ****** in the head.
I know that.
I watch it get worse and worse evey day.
Until my clock stops ticking.