what a race against time
as i long to call you mine
i try not to eye the sparrow by my side
as we fly,
high,
and with my staggering aside
i try not to think past the blinding realization
that i am put in this position
unable to be first

i try not to endorse
in this full-fronted sob cause
but how can i not
as i turn to look at you
with your beauty
and your spell
i fall under
and obsess
in this full never-ending contest

what makes an epiphany worse
is when you know
you know it's there
but you can't have it reversed.

love.
what form could you mean? i knew of one, for all of my life (which, to be far, is a mere 16 years to spare).
from the moment i could speak,
before i knew what meant desire,
i desired for love, all big, all dire.

so, throughout the years it seemed to me,
endless of romantic possibilities.
it all took a number of heartbreaks,
and a painful speech,
for me to walk out onto the street
and find the one, the one that was meant to be.

ever since that day, i struggled deeply.
every happy moment not spent with him was spent in tears.
some days were good,
most were bad,
but years after our first meet,

i met another boy,
and we soon fell in deep.
regardless of this,
my first love remains,
for the first love that should be,
was always to be me.

i made a mistake today.

and yesterday.

do you know what i did?

i turned a blind eye to your mistakes.

i shouldn't have,
but my feelings for you seemed to matter more
so i didn't stop myself from thinking you were perfect and
i didn't stop myself from falling too deep

by the time i realised how deep i was in
i was already drowning

maybe if i was physically drowning
someone would have saved me
maybe it could hav even been you.

but i was in over my head
and stopped listening to my heart

i guess it didn't matter in the end
when it all fell apart

Every morning,
When the clock strikes 5,
I get up and sit outside.

I count the people that walk past me,
I hear the words that they speak.

It makes no sense,
Why people want other's pain,
If I were them, I'd not feel sane.

That is why I wish for a peaceful meal,
And a day that wouldn't involve kills.

I want to reach home,
Without a hole in my heart,
And want to stay instead of falling apart.

Is it so hard,
To find what I desire?
I think it is,
Because I always feel tired.

When the people finally go away, I stand up and go inside my 'home', praying to make it alive today.

I felt like a doll,
emotionless and all.

I was able to move and talk and think but,
I'm not there, not really.

I looked out of the window and watched the people on the streets.

Some looking happy and excited,
whereas some looked bleak.

I felt like a layer of glass was
seperating me from the world.

It was hard to explain but what I wanted to do was for someone to help me.

They'd ask me if I was okay and I would look at them and say, "No. Not really."

But I know they'd flinch away from the fact and silently roll their eyes,

That I was another lying person,
Who would fake a smile but have problems for miles.

This time, however, it's a little different.
For I'm the person who helped others who fell,
When I'm the one who needed saving most of all.