Lost love?
Those memories are like a rusty knife plunged into you.
Deep into your gut.
It twists and turns till you can taste blood.
Until it pulls out only to stab you over and over.
Blood spurting, blurring your vision and your world out.
Such is the pain.
Addicted to it that I keep letting my memories take over me again and again.

Those sweet endearments and promises would once upon a time tug at the strings of my heart.
Now those same lost endearments and broken promises threaten to wrench out my very heart.
The excruciating pain feels like the walls are closing in on me.
It’s getting hard to breathe.
Slowly making me lose the will to live?
As I desperately flail my arms in the dark to reach out to my once colorful past, reality hits me in the face like a bright painful ray of light telling me there’s nothing.
Should I comfort myself that I at least have the ability to still feel something?

I am just going through the motions of life.
Days blend into nights.
I merely exist; just numb to life around me.
I just self destruct believing I am punishing myself for my stupidity.
But I secretly still hold a gleam of hope that someone will see through me.

I imagine an alternate universe, a better version of myself, accepted and loved by all.
More importantly, loved by the ones I loved and lost.
He picked me up from my misery only to drop me from a greater height into a deeper pit of depression.
I am grieving for people who aren't even dead.
I cannot cope anymore with life getting heavier and overwhelming.
I fear I will break down into something far more badly than I already am.
It's not just him you know? It's everything that life threw at me since I can't remember when.
I won't lie; I find comfort in this misery.
Isn't it funny that I want to stay in it and get out at the same time?

For if I had to choose
I would choose to think you were a coward
A coward to up and run
Because I so badly want to believe in the notion called love
Something I have believed in for so long
But it begins to fade as I desperately try to grasp it
As fragments of it remain
I try to crush it in anger
I begin hating my ridiculous beliefs
I always said you saved me from myself
You just picked me up
I tripped over my notion of love
****** bruises and scars that will remain
As you just dust off and walk away
Time heals everything you say
I tear myself apart, ripping through the wounds
Punishing myself for my stupidity
Falling for the notion of love
This relationship but had a timestamp
You were just meant to be a refreshing chapter, I will convince myself
Because I am scared I might not believe in love again.