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The Caged Bird Feb 2019
In the stillness of the morning
When chores are done
And children begin their day away
I try to test that old saying about loss

That material things are irrelevant
And it’s the memories that count
So when it’s quiet and the pain creeps in
I try to think of you

Fond memories of summer beach trips
Football stadiums and trivial pursuit
Those daily phone calls and silly emails
Surprise gifts for littles kiddos

But memories fade
and I fear the day
My children forget all the loving gestures
The sound of your voice
And your ability to inspire

I’m not supposed to be stuck on things
Those things that were attached to you
But that’s the trouble of things, you see
They’re tangible and true

A favorite sweater
hung on an empty office chair
That unfinished book on your nightstand
so new it has no wear

I see these things
I touch these things
They were what made you, you
The trouble with things is that they make me feel
If for just a moment, nothing’s changed
And you’re still here

That yummy recipe taped to the fridge
A perfume bottle set by the sink
Your shoes next to the door
A treasured knick-knack
The favorite chair
And your framed beloved pet

These things I know
They are not you
But I cannot bare to toss

The trouble with things
Is I can see and feel them
But they’re all we have left of you.

Dedicated to my Mother-n-law  1/26/1947-2/11/2019

-MS
The Caged Bird May 2018
Part 1

I am blind
There is a darkness
It resides deep in my mind
Pitch black
A million screams
Stolen breath
Peace I cannot find

Puppet strings
A piece of me for everyone
Lifeless toy
For the taking
No repercussions
Except for me
In the cold
I bare the weight
While they
Walk towards the sun

Damage done
I reek of it
Disaster
Disappointment
Broken shards of life scattered at my feet
Chaos unfolding for the one hundredth time
Blood droplets
Purple markings
Rage
Tears
Rage
Tears
F*cking rage!

A life lived in turmoil
Body broken
Too many times to count
Salvation questionable
Empty hands exposed
Reaching
Pleading
Body cold as ice
Silent screams abound
Save the beast

Part Two

And then
A voice
From distant places
Not of this reality
A faint glimmer of light
Breaks through the haunting darkness
Interest piqued
Hope held high
Yet walls still high as heaven

Words like tiny fractures
Fragments falling
Piles from the past
The wall begins to fall
Crumbled bits of broken dreams
Broken bones
Lay forgotten at my feet

A spark of heat
Eyes wide open
Is this reality
A warmth beyond comprehension
Am I deserving
A hand expressed
Immediate fear
The wall not fully shattered
A word is spoken
That unearthly voice
Like music to my apocolypse

I am redeemed
Lifted out of chaos
The wall surrendered
To the nothing that was me
Ascension
There is a light
I can see
Inspired by the many physically and emotionally abuse relationships from my childhood into my early adulthood and in honor of my now husband who literally saved me, coming into my life during a very crucial time and showed me a whole new life.
The Caged Bird May 2018
I reached through the cold
till I found it
A crack
Cold wind whistled through it
A draft
I breathed in your essence
It burned
like the bitter cold winds in the arctic
I reached for it
A finger extended towards you
I placed it
on the crack of your heart
Did you feel it?
An explosion of heat on your ice
I fought it
The fear I’d fall in to your darkness
I gift it
Warmth and new life I presented
Please take this
I want you to feel what you used to
You’re jaded
Frozen so long that it numbed you
I’ll break it
Crack open your ice heart and melt you
Did you feel it?
Love worked its way through your ice storm
I let go
of fear that you wouldn’t want it
You took it
and painted me pictures of summer
Spring flowers
I took away all of your darkness
I burned it
Your heart is no longer a cold rock
Do you feel it?
Love can change even the coldest of hearts.
The Caged Bird May 2018
She stood where she’d always stood. Bare feet pressed firmly into that which was familiar; solid ground and mundane days. The rolling hills of green, dripping of constant certainty, nearly surrounded her. Yet before her, and so many others, was the vast open space of The Unknown that promised the opposite of that reality. No one she knew dared approach the The Unknown as there was never any need or desire. Her world was an unfailing provider of worldly things and acceptance. The surrender to conformity never felt too high a price to pay.

But, her contentment had grown old despite her youth. She often dug her toes into that solid ground beneath her feet. For she had learned that with enough pressure, it wasn’t so solid after all. The earth crumbled into soft dirt and she took pleasure in the feeling of disrupting it’s rigid state. When The Wind from The Unknown surreptitiously swept over the land, others raised a brow in disdain when she breathed in it’s essence, as if she were trying to decipher that which drove it. Her eyes often gazed in the direction The Wind came from, regardless of the shame that slowly began to grow inside her from her need to move on.

Day after day, week after week, something began to manifest itself in her. A seed implanted by The Wind of The Unknown. Or perhaps it was always there, covert in it’s infancy, until it had gained enough confidence to grow and surface. She felt herself drawn to step past the dirt she’d grown fond of playing footsie with and move cautiously towards the direction of The Unknown. Each step she took brought fear and uncertainty, but that was curbed by the the constant reminder of The Wind’s confidence in her. As she travelled, The Wind silently retreated to watch her grow on her own. Unfamiliar feelings arose that she had never experienced before which only led to even more new desires. She tried to process her emotions, but she was already moving forward at a steady pace.

Those that knew her, stared as she moved on. Their faces displaying confusion and judgment, as her small frame quietly disappeared against the horizon that radiated a haunting yet mysteriously inviting glow over The Unknown. How she longed to express to them the urgency she felt to depart their world. To share with someone this journey that had turned from sheer curiosity to the need to fulfill something in her that even she could neither comprehend nor fully understand.

Suddenly, her feet came to an abrupt stop as The Wind silently reappeared. It’s presence was familiar and yet unyielding. Looking down at her feet, she slowly became aware that she was no longer standing on any remnants of where she came from. She was standing on the edge of The Unknown. A jagged rock cliff that was both beautiful and terrifying overlooking a dark, vast body of water that appeared to stretch farther then the eye could see. She quickly realized why the air she inhaled met her with familiarity. It was the very entity that secretly breathed life into her spirit and beckoned her to depart from all that she had known before. With this realization came another. Her journey thus far had slowly fostered a self awareness that, like the jagged cliff she stood on, was terrifying and beautiful. She was aware of every single nerve in her body. Every desire she longed for was now completely known, understood and wanted more than ever.

She looked out at the dark, yet unexplainably welcoming water of The Unknown. That ever familiar Wind, playfully swirling around her body, tempted and coaxed her as she stood unsteady at the edge. It moved through her hair and against her skin like fingertips, gently comforting her. She basked in it’s attention and the memory of it’s unfailing guidance... until it warmly kissed her ear and whispered a single word; a command that forced a gasp from her lips. Her body began to tremble with fear as she attempted to process it’s request. The Wind felt her hesitation and picked up speed, reassuring her safety and softly explaining itself to her. “Wanting is not the same as Feeling”, it said. And so The Wind gently repeated: “Jump”.

So she jumped.

And the water enveloped her.

She felt.

She evolved.

She became one with The Wind.

And The Unknown became Known.
This poem/story is open to interpretation but simply put, it’s about moving on from one thing to another, despite the fear that accompanies change. In my personal journey, I evolved into living an alternative lifestyle and while the journey was scary, the outcome has been beautiful and fulfilling. “The Wind” is a representation of my husband helping me along my journey and watching me grow.

— The End —