I must not gaze at them although
Your eyes are dawning day;
I must not watch you as you go
Your sun-illumined way;

I hear but I must never heed
The fascinating note,
Which, fluting like a river reed,
Comes from your trembing throat;

I must not see upon your face
Love's softly glowing spark;
For there's the barrier of race,
You're fair and I am dark.

the air starts to thicken
and my steps start to quicken
not sure where I am running to
as long as its away from you
the lies that haunt my dark dreams
i am tearing at the seams
the ice sliding down my spine
just another defect in a line
when my skies are no longer clear
my vision is clouded by fear
the tears that evaporate by the sun
the pain you replaced and battle you won
i must lie if only to protect you
i have to I'd die if you saw through
i am a piece of distorted glass
something that wasn't made to last
just one shot and I would be erased
but i always forgive you when I look at your face
the lines on my face and waves in the sea
my feet are running I am ready to flee
long and hard strokes of oars
locking all of my doors
one mark higher than the rest
that still doesn't make you the best
when the test is impossible to fail
i am still standing here empty and frail
the call of the wind falls on deaf ears
all I hear is the sound of my fears
the light at the end of the tunnel is gone
and I realize all this time I was wrong
to late to turn or change my mind
i was you looking and you were all I could find
just enough to get my through
ready to plow ahead but looking back to you

The disease engulfed her brain
with black ribbons and restraints

She tried to break free
but she was tired of the chains

Her body drained all hope
until she saw a special face

It set her free and she flew away
without leaving a trace

A solid **** being the turn
The mind in using what you learned
The base of one’s destiny
The negativity among the enemies
The door that stands before you
You have no idea of what’s behind being a clue
The history of people walking in
Their untold stories of decisions to begin
The mysteries behind a mist
It just turns into a theory of a twist
Yet again people have walked in
But also they never came out
Conscious to see, but no shout
Intrigue to know what the door was all about
One’s step at the door to open
One’s journey to explore and a door that separates
It’s the wonders that indicates
One must learn to appreciate
Vision of the human body, the mechanics close-up of the mind, and one’s inner soul of redemption.

there is a wall separating you and me
a wall that only you can see
it's barrier is made of
pain, destruction, and misery
and you can't get past it
if it's all that you think
to get past it
all you need
is to say
this isn't me
i believe in a better day
if you say those words
there would be no misery
to be seen
so break down the barrier
come be with me

Trying to reach the stars,
Rising rising and yet,
I am stopped by invisible bars.

Landlocked alone,
Clouds like curtains cut me off,
Chained to my home.

I see you and all of your grace,
Floating above the clouds,
Somewhere far out in space.

I fly forward with all my might,
Trying my best to get to,
This amazing sight.

But then the air stops me,
Holds me back from,
That which I need.

I push forward and forward till I begin to bleed.  
Can't break the barrier,
So I fall to the Earth as a seed.

Know what I want,
I want what I need,
But something blocks me from that which I see.

I grabbed a hold a moonbeam
One with the perfect thickness
To write your name across the sky
With God as my only witness

Wrote your name in cursive
Out across the galaxy
Declaring my love for you to the universe
Hoping to have you declare your love for me

Purchased just enough stardust
Adding to it's highlights
A sparkling array of glitter
Shinning through the night sky

Now all the stars and planets
Circle around your wonderful name
Making you the center of my universe
From the moment I grabbed that moonbeam

Pick-pocketing angels leave me with no change
Tampered pill bottle head, rattling brain rearranged
Hold me close like a nostalgic note
Please don't toss me away like the others do

I tried crushing each memory like a shortening cigarette, but it's easier to allow yourself to die than to forget.

I stood in front of the mirror-the wall behind me scribbled in green-and I watched myself shave the weathered, brunette hairs off my cheeks, chin, lips, and jawline that you found so attractive and wrapped your lips around like a future reunion of, "Hi. I'm sorry for goodbye. I'm glad I met you again before I thought I would die."

And, in my head, I watched you approach my lips with yours.
And, in my head, I took a step back and started to tear up.
You asked me to kiss you, in my head.
And I shook my head, in my head.
You said you were sorry and got help, in my head.
You were better, in my head.
You were healthy, in my head.
But I'm aware some things may only live and die and say goodbye in my head.

I sat on the edge of my bed, no longer in my head, watching "Good Morning, Vietnam", and I remembered where I was when I learned that Robin Williams died. I remembered poking your thigh, in Starbucks, and wondering how long it'd take you to feel my finger or if you'd try to ignore the feeling, like most feelings. Your lips were red and your pants were black and on white, were black cats. And you were afraid to ask for your coffee. And once you sipped on your coffee, you left a red stain and it still appears in my head. And I relive every thing while being dissacioiated with my current life. And every kiss is a red stain in my head. Oh, great, we're back in my head. I guess we never left.

And I remembered when I knew you were dying and leaving and when I knew you had died and left. But I drowned those memories in ***** and suffocated them with smoke, until my body collapsed and until my lungs learned the cursive in every exhale.

In my head.
In my head.
In my head.
In my head.

Here I sit in the dark, watching 80's films. Because thirty years ago, there was no you and there was no me. I imagine it was a simpler time for the both of us.

A time where we never met.
But I'm glad I met you.
A time where we never kissed.
But I'm glad I kissed you.
A time where I didn't say,
"It's okay.
It's okay and it's always going to be okay
because I love you too."

It's not okay. It's not okay. Itsnotokay.itsnotokayitsnotokayitsnotokayitsnotokay

Tomorrow I will wake up, put on a t-shirt, boxers, socks, jeans, worn out Nikes, and a beat up flannel. I'll check my pulse, as I do my vitals, and I'll take my medications. I'll look at my bank account and determine how much money it'll take to forget you and how much more I wish I had so I could help you.

Is there a simpler way of saying I love you, or should I continue writing this album?