The sweet smell of leaves on the ground
You tell me you’re sorry
The pale sky, bright and dim
I know that you’re not
The cold’s refreshing sting
Memories of you that I can’t shed
The silhouettes of trees
You haunt me, dear
The sound of leaves blowing like rain
You know you’re wrong but you never cared
Green yellow red brown white
You gave me Autumn, I’ll give myself spring

When we first met I told you just how beautiful you were.
Like the pale lavender sky rewarding me for getting up.
Like a diner in the distance drinking each distasteful cup.
You blinked twice and told me that you weren’t so sure.
Your disarray was perfect, repulsive with allure.
You were fighting through the crowd like a nectar drop through moths.
Everything was terrible, your good was just enough.
And I loved every little quirk that others just endured.

On the day you broke the glamour I was lying in my bed.
You were sending me letters saying all the things that I have done
The sudden rush of inputs started streaming through my head.
My world was dark already, with you as the sun.
And as the sun did set that evening, sinking down like lead,
the brightness of my colors dulled with everything I've done.

The passion infused plucking
like each note has a soul of its own

The high notes like pinpricks
Low notes like a loud heartbeat

The sound of content loneliness that taught me happiness

The tempo slows like water shying away from the shore

Peace born out of urgency
Love born out of technicality

The hours given to the tone, timing and tempo
The effort in perfectly letting go

Perfectly unique every time
just close enough to be the same

The beauty in form
The form in beauty

Do you remember when you thought you loved me?

The confused expression on my face must’ve been disheartening

I didn’t understand
You were so beautiful
So smart
So absolutely amazing

I was just a girl
Riddled with scars
Afraid of failure
Already burnt out

It killed me when I realized
You weren’t in love

You were exposed to so many unattainable expectations

It wasn’t love
It was hope of love
Hope of at least meeting expectations

You were already flying above expectations, my dear

I love you

You love sunsets
They’re pretty and predictable
Yet one can never predict what they will be

I love the way light hits your face
Your illuminated greatness
Seeing your expression from moment to moment

You like the bright blue sky
No clouds in sight
So stable and bold

I see the sun in your eyes
You could outshine it any day
If the clouds don’t come in

You like the overcast sky
Bright grey brings out all the colors
Harsh yet so forgiving

I see your mind racing as we drive miles of overcast
The colors underneath are brilliant

You are the light source of my life
The way your colors change from moment to moment
Your bright mind shines out
Your emotions like different cloud formations
Your beautiful words shower me with light
I wouldn’t make it without you

When you and I met
we were two new souls
already rotted with the years that had been prematurely pushed onto us.
We were already so empty of life
so jaded and hopeless.
The feeling of knowing just how bad it is
but needing to keep quiet had already plagued us for too many years.
When you and I met
I thought you were arrogant and cruel
you thought I was apathetic and content.
All the late night conversations
the confessions of traumas and thoughts
the people out there who just wanted to take advantage of our seeming naivety
made us each other’s closest allies.
But the world is cruel
and it forced you out
all the uncountable hours
I had spent talking to you
the inside jokes and the utmost secrets
out the window
more like off the bridge.
You saw the world through warped glasses
twisting everything into an ugly blur.
There were times when you were almost lost
but you reached out just in time to be pulled along.
I say that I could never know the way you felt
but oh how I felt your beautiful consciousness extinguish that evening when I heard the news
read your last work as a writer
the last line of your personal story.
All I can tell you is this             sorry excuse for an apology
I used you just like the rest of us did
you were the reason that I’ve lived this long
maybe if we’d never met
never shared our inner workings
you would still be here and I’d be coating the bottom of the overpass.
Now that I know I couldn’t help you, a goddess compared to my filth
what meaning does my life still have
I’ve never been this emotional about a death
they’re all so predictable and ordinary
just another horrible person lost, swimming in the Styx
But this time you’ve pulled me into the water with you.