Today,
I feel like committing suicide.
I'm so tired of it all
Pretending to be someone I'm not.
Putting on a fake smile to please my family and friends, so that they don't worry.
I want them to think I'm happy, even though I'm so far from it.
Its not the new year that finally did it
The 'new year new me' thing.
I know who I am and there's no fixing it.
It's my abusive dad that pushed me over.
The fact that he can't be greatful for anything I do
And when he's asked me to do something I've already done
The job I did for it wasn't enough.
The fact that he yells at me because I ask for something at the store, whether it be socks or a candy bar.
"No you don't deserve that."
Maybe it's the fact that he puts me down so much
And every time I deny his words he gets even more angry
I don't know why I bother
I don't deny them for my own sake.
When I do he throws whatever is nearest
Plates, countless beer bottles, even a chair.
I lower myself to the floor, crying.
Maybe I get him so mad in hopes he'll finally throw something fatal.
A knife that just happens to hit my neck.
I've never had the courage to take my own life.
I am worthless
What ties me here?
It's the one I love.
He deserves so much better than me,
But he says he loves me for who I am.
I am broken.
He's a reason to go too.
The fact that I can't touch the one I love without being pushed away.
Being told no and stop.
I hear the same words my father says in my lovers actions.
"No you don't deserve that."
I know I don't.
I'm sorry for wanting something.
Maybe I want to leave because I have no one to turn to.
Because all of my friends already have their own problems, and I'm just another burden they shouldn't have to deal with.
And anytime I talk to them about my own problems
It becomes a competition
Suddenly we have to top each other on who has it worse.
"I would **** to be in your place, my father is so much worse."
Again.
I hear my father's words
"You don't deserve to complain."
I really don't.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm already dying.
As I write these words my heart tears at my ribs, desperate to get out.
Its like a panic attack within my chest
As if someone grabbed my heart and squeezed it so hard.
I don't want to feel pain anymore.
Please
Not another heart attack.
My little slice of heaven.
It's so far away.
So far.
Sitting with my lover
As he whispers words I haven't known much about.
"You're beautiful."
Who could see beauty in something so far gone.
So dead inside.
"I don't want anyone else."
Who would choose me?
I'm nothing grand.
I'm a dead reflection in a broken mirror.
Nothing to hang on the wall.
"I don't deserve you."
You don't.
I'm so sorry.
You deserve so much better.
Someone who can make jokes with you,
Be more patient than I.
Someone who can love you without dying at the same time.
What sickness lies within me.
I cannot stay here any longer.
My little piece of heaven is too far off.
"Just a few years.
Just a few years more."
I don't have the strength for that.
Not anymore.
I'm sorry.