”Last week I walked on water
Today I'm sinking low
Can your hand reach down to me and pull me up once more
The dreams I had are shattered, scattered on the floor
The last time you picked up the pieces helped me dream some more
Cause were making stained glass windows
Every piece a different shade
Broken and then put together like a big mistake
But when the light shines through the colors form a tapestry
A hundred different images of how you keep loving me
Each moment you are with me
Each word I hear you say
Help me understand and trust in your higher ways
The road that goes through valleys help me cling to you
And when we find a mountain top we'll dance the whole day through
Cause were making stained glass windows
Every piece a different shade
Broken and then put together like a big mistake
But when the light shines through the colors form a tapestry
A hundred different images of how you keep loving me
I don't know why, I don't know why
You keep loving me
Yeah, yeah
Broken and then put together
Were making stained glass windows
Every piece a different shade
Broken and then put together like a big mistake
Oh and when the light shines through the colors form a tapestry
A hundred different images of how
And when the light shines through the colors form a tapestry
A hundred different images of how you keep loving me“

“Three years of birthdays without you,
only one wish could there be,
to blow out my candles
and have you standing there beside me.

Three birthdays of missing you.
Three birthdays with a heart of pain.
What I wouldn’t give
to have you in my life again.

I miss your smiling face,
the warmth and love that was you.
Everyone else came first in your life,
it was just something you’d do.

I hope you knew what you meant us,
know how much you are missed.
Do you know how often you’re thought of or how many times your picture is kissed?

You made an impact on your family,
everlasting and always there.
The heartache I feel from losing you
is at times more than I can bear.

How I wish I could blow out my candles
and have you back in my life. The roles you played were many,
as grandmother, mother, and wife,

But I know my wish can’t come true,
you will never again stand beside me.
The only way I can see you now
is in pictures, memories, and dreams.”

Silence.
I sit alone in silence.
Darkness.
Alone in the darkness, I sit in silence.
Inside my heart, there is pain.
Inside my head, I am screaming.
Questions.
To myself, I have questions.
Attention.
Do I have everybody’s attention?
Exit.
Here, I make life’s exit.

Pause.
I pause with the ounce of hope that I still matter to someone.
Will I ever be good enough or will the monster in my soul always win?

What do you think Heaven looks like?
Do you think we each have our own form of Heaven?
I had a dream once about my mother’s Heaven.
She called me from there, via FaceTime.
Funny, right?
We all know that’s not even remotely possible, but I think I wanted to talk to my mom so bad that my mind made it seem like it was actually possible.
It was about a week after she passed away.
It seemed so real, as I can remember it so vividly.
In my dream...
I remember how my phone showed “Mom Calling...”
I couldn’t believe it but I answer it anyways.
There I see my mom’s face.
Gosh, was it so good to see her face again!
I had missed her so much already.
She began to cry so naturally, I started crying along with her.
I asked her, “Why are you crying, Mom?”
She told me, “I wasn’t ready to die, Sarah. There was still a lot of life to experience. I don’t get to watch Aiden grow up, or see you get married. I don’t get to experience any of that!”
I could hear it in her voice that she was becoming angry.
Then a voice called out, “Mom, are you really here?”
I realized it was my older brother Michael calling for our mom.
Michael had passed away when he was just a little baby.
This was their reunion after a long 26 years of being apart.
I could see it on my mom’s face that she was happy to see him.
She returned to our FaceTime chat and noticed I was crying.
She said, “Oh, Sarah. I am so sorry that I’m not there with you anymore but I promise you. I will always be watching over you. You’re strong, and I know you’ll be okay until you are called Home to Heaven.”
I sniffled and replied, “Yeah? How do you know I’m going to be okay?”
She smiled and replied, “Because you’re my daughter.”
After some more crying, she says to me, “I have to go now. Michael and Grandma are waiting for me. But before I go, I want you to see my Heaven so you know I’m at peace now. That I’m happy.”
She flips the camera around so I can see what is surrounding her.
In all of its wonders, there it was.
My mother’s Heaven.
What looked like a garden full of Morning Glories—my mom’s favorite flower.
And Hummingbirds— what she always loved watching as they fed from the feeder she put out for them off the back porch.
It was so beautiful, and so bright.
The beauty in itself brought tears of joy to my eyes.
But then, my heart broke just a little more.
Those words pierced my heart like a knife all over again.
“I have to go now, Sarah. I love you. Bye.”
The call was ended.
See, I knew that wasn’t really goodbye.
It was simply, “See you later.”
Because I know one day, I will see her again.
The day the Lord calls me Home...
To my Heaven.

Most of the time, I can deal with your death. I can hold back the tears and accept that you’re gone.
I force myself to believe the cliche words that get thrown around, about how God takes His favorites first. About how it was your time and how everything happens for a reason.
But sometimes, that silver linings attitude fades away and all I can feel is anger. Hurt. Betrayal.
I’m sorry that I can’t be strong all the time. That there are days when I question my faith. Days when I hate the world and every person inside of it. Days when I’m bitter about the way life turned out.
I’m sorry that I can’t walk around with unflinching hope when I know how ****** this world is. I’m sorry I’m not perfect. I’m sorry I carry so much anger inside.
I’m ******, because you left your family behind. You left people who still needed your love, your voice, your hugs, your kisses. People who cared about you more than they cared about themselves. People who would do anything to have one more minute with you.
I’m ******, because I keep seeing these ****** people running around without a care in the world, living for decades longer than you had the chance to. Because the goodness in your heart should have earned you more days, months, years.
I’m ******, because you deserved better. You deserved to celebrate more milestones. You deserved to see the people around you grow up. You deserved to grow old yourself and pass away peacefully in your sleep after ninety years of living your best life.
I’m ******, because it’s not fair. That sounds whiny to say, childish, but it’s the truth. What happened to you wasn’t fair. What happened to your family wasn’t fair. Nothing about your death was fair.
I miss you. And I hate that I miss you, because I shouldn’t have to. I should be able to call you up. I should be able to knock on your door. I should be able to see you face-to-face anytime I want.
You should still be here, right now, sending me texts to ask how I’ve been doing. You should still be here, right now, giving me a reason to laugh instead of cry. You should still be here, right now, alive and well.
No matter how many cliches are thrown at me about how only the good die young, no matter how many of those sayings I choose to believe to find some semblance of comfort, I will always believe that your death was *******.
I will always believe that there was some sort of mistake, that you didn’t deserve it. 
I will always believe that you deserved so much more.

Like my mom, her dad can’t be replaced.
And he’s still alive!
Her dad came first before mine just like my mom came first before you.
Without her dad, you wouldn’t have her.
Without my mom, my dad wouldn’t have me.
That would be okay though, right?
I don’t understand parents.
Honestly I don’t.
So many of them want their children to respect them.
I understand that, I do.
But how can you demand respect when you don’t respect them?
I may be grown but I will always be my dad’s daughter first.
I’d like to think he’d be upset if I stopped communicating with him.
But I feel like I must.
I don’t feel like I’m a part of his family anymore.
Just like the saying goes:
“Out with the old, in with the new.”
He’s got this NEW family.
I’m just old news.
And she’s torn between THREE different families now.
I honestly don’t think I have a place in the world anymore.
I don’t have a place in my birth given family and I don’t have a place in the family that I’ve created.
I just don’t belong anywhere.

Hi, it’s me.
The person you forgot.
I’m still here.
I still exist.
I may not be as important anymore.
But I’m still here.
You may have a new life.
I’m still here.
I may have never been that important to you.
But I’m still here.
Why have you chosen to forget me?
I’m still here.
Why don’t you love me anymore?
I’m still here.
Have you ever loved me?
I’m still here.
I HAVE ALWAYS EXISTED.
And I’m still here.
Even if you don’t want me to be.

I tell people that if my dad could go back and take back ever having me with my mom, he would.
Because it’s true.
I was the child no one wanted to have.
I was the child no one wanted to keep.
I talked  about how when I was battling my demons, and faced suicidal thoughts—
how, instead of being there for me, my parents cast me aside like the plague.
What’s worse is when I speak about the hurt I felt back then— I still have to fight back the tears.
The pain from those days still rip through like a fresh wound.
My old demons still exist.

All my life I’ve been told I’m nothing but a disappointment.
A failure.
A waste of human creation.
“You’re useless,” they’d tell me.
“You’re a nobody.”
For the longest time, I believed them.
After awhile their voices became my own voice.
The voice inside my head.
Those voices have started to drown.
I’m grown up now.
I’ve realized my victories outweigh my failures.
Even though I’m still battling it, I’ve “won” against depression.
I was ***** & abused.
But I’m stronger.
I’ve came face to face to a dog that tried mauling me to death.
I survived.
I was unmarried and pregnant.
I was a single mom.
I lost my mom to cancer.
All battles and life events I should have failed at.
I’M STILL ALIVE

Family is more than just blood, you say?
Funny that you don’t live by your own words
You call our son your grandson when you are just the woman grandpa married
You say my husband is family to you
But you shame yours for ever wanting to help his son
That’s right
Your husband isn’t able to ever help out any of his kids but the moment your kids need help?
You don’t bat your eyes
You’re a hypocrite
Family is more than blood, you say?
Then why is it that when your racist nephew racially profiled me, your step son’s wife
You just sat back and laughed
Don’t lie and say family is more than blood for you
When you don’t take up for anyone but your own

You said you loved me
The scars on my skin say otherwise
You said I was your everything
The hole in my heart proves you wrong
Here I am, almost 10 years later thinking about the torture you put me through
Love has never been easy for me
Trust is almost impossible
I see the worst in my husband
You’ve ruined me
Why couldn’t you have just left me alone?
Why did you keep running back trying to convince me you were good for me?
Why was I so stupid to keep believing you?
It only took you 5 years to break me from my core
I’m not even sure I’m doing this marriage thing the right way
Because I’m so **** wrapped up in the pain that was inflicted on me those many years ago
You abused me
You ***** me
You humiliated me
YOU BROKE ME

For 9 seasons, I sat
I watched 10 years of their lives unfold in front of cameras
It was a nice break from my own reality
I enjoyed the laughs
I enjoyed the cries
I will never forget the times I laughed so hard that I cried
I gasped when I saw Michael come back
A reunion I waited so long for
“Michael. I can’t believe you actually came.”
Smiles were exchanged
Then his famous catch phrase
“That’s what she said.”
Oh how I laughed
An exaggerated knee slap laugh
Now I’m crying because it’s over
So I bid my farewell
Goodbye Michael, Jim, Pam, Dwight, Stanley, Meredith, Phyllis, Andy, Erin, Darryl, Creed, Toby, Angela, Oscar, Kevin, Kelly, and Ryan

THE ONES THAT MATTERED

A snake that she is!!
Taking a name and placing blasphemy upon it
It is a sin to lie, did you know?
What a hypocrite, you are!
I know the Lord tells me to hold my tongue.
But see, I am too— a sinner.
So I speak from anger.
Why does she start drama with her gossiping tongue?
Does she not have her own life to worry about?
Does mine entertain her more?
Mind your own, you snake!
Be gone, I demand of thee!
BE GONE

Me? I am "The One That Got Away," you say.
You? The one who took too long.
Us? Never going to happen; a thing in the past.
Do I ever stray away from reality and think about the "what ifs"?
Of course.
But that's in another life.
In another life, I might be yours.
But I think about the things I wouldn't have if I ended up with you.
Most importantly, my son.
He plays a crucial role in the woman I have been shaped into today.
I can never give that up.
Any children I may have had with you wouldn't have shaped me in the way my little boy has.
I love my husband. I really do.
Were we a wrong fit for each other at one point?
Absolutely.
But in the two years he and I were split up, I prayed for him every single day.
I prayed that he'd better himself.
Not for me.
Not even for our son. (Although that was very helpful)
But for HIMSELF.
He was miserable with the life he was living.
I truly believe I was placed in his life for a reason.
As he was for me.
So, sorry.
For now.
And probably forever.
I will remain...
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

To the "friend" with the ratty red hair.
How dare you say that I was the one who was unfair?
Did I not provide shelter for you to lay your head at night?
Why are you always wanting to start a fight?
You are the one who disrespected me.
All I asked was for you to pay a small fee.
I don't know why I have chosen to rhyme.
This will probably be the very last time.
I am confident enough to say our season of friendship has probably come to an end.
I thought you were actually my very best friend.

I WAS WRONG.

" My first instinct when I see a cat is to say, "Hello".
My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away "

"That's the things about introverts; we wear our chaos on the inside where no one can see it."

" I like cancelled plans. And empty bookstores. I like rainy days and thunderstorms. And quiet coffee shops. I like messy beds and over-worn pajamas. Most of all, I like the small joys that a simple life brings."


I definitely suffer from a form of social anxiety. I tend to keep to myself a lot. The only time I'm at all "outgoing" is around family. I never really understood why that is. I guess you could say I'm afraid of rejection. I find myself an "odd" person and I tend to embarrass myself quite often. I can't retain physical friends. Most of my friends are via social media. Because then, I have the security behind a [computer] screen.

My husband and I will be married a year on October 7th. I met him when I was only 19 years old. We are both 27 years old now. We have a 4 year old son, who is about to be 5 on the 31st of July. Whoever came up with the phrase, "The first year of marriage is the toughest," was no dummy. These past 9 months have been by far the roughest I could imagine. So people, believe me when I say this... MARRIAGE IS NO FAIRY TALE!!! We didn't even get to experience the "honeymoon" phase. Literally, just in the first 3 months of marriage, we had our car die on us TWICE, our well pump went out, and we had to buy a new car BECAUSE our car died. Then, 6 months after replacing our well pump, it quit on us again! We managed to get things fixed, and then I spider cracked my phone screen which cost $200 to replace. Life shows us no mercy.
Send Help.

Her death came and went just like any old“yesterday’s news”
Her Momma was gone and Dad already moved on.
A broken hearted daughter clinging to the memories.
But that’s all it was.
MEMORIES