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Dec 2019 · 69
panic attack
Carter Dec 2019
i’ve had less panic attacks
all because of my medication.
i have to admit
i miss the comfort in knowing them.
the panic showed that i cared.
it showed that i still felt something.
now my entire world is just
numb
Dec 2019 · 81
you don’t know
Carter Dec 2019
you probably didn’t think much about it
when you said that your friend thought
that i was cute.
but you don’t know that i’ve known him,
probably longer than any of you have.
you don’t know that when you came over,
my entire body was shaking.
you don’t know that even approaching me
caused my anxiety to skyrocket.
you don’t know that what you said hurt.
you don’t know that i hate myself.
you don’t know that even i know
that most people are not attracted to me.
not when i look the way i do.
Dec 2019 · 92
Unexpected
Carter Dec 2019
When we first started talking,
I had no expectations.
We were just friends
and that’s how it should have stayed.
But i can’t control my heart
and it was already frayed.
Dec 2019 · 135
Healing
Carter Dec 2019
I wanna text you.
I wanna call.
But I’ve realized that if i reach out,
I’ll just get hurt.
I still want you,
But i’m learning that what i want
is not what is best for me.
Dec 2019 · 286
Addicted
Carter Dec 2019
I’m addicted to you
and the way you made me feel.
I spent the nights after it ended
going through withdrawals
that were almost as bad as when i forgot my medication for three days straight.
Every time i saw you made me
want to relapse
just to feel your skin against mine.
Now i’m no longer addicted to you.
You’re just a bad memory
and a former fix.
Nov 2019 · 63
Tarot Reading
Carter Nov 2019
When you gave me a tarot reading,
in a park in the middle of the night,
he was sitting right across from me.
I did a three card reading.
My present came up as the devil.
None of us knew the meaning,
but we were all shocked.
As we looked it up,
it all became clear.
The card means unhealthy relationships,
addiction.
It represents your shadow self,
and i am constantly held back by myself.
Nov 2019 · 67
Tattoo
Carter Nov 2019
When i start to feel the urge,
to slice my skin into ribbons,
instead i pull out my kit,
and prepare to give myself another tattoo,
because even though it hurts,
the end result is more beautiful
than any scar.
Nov 2019 · 317
Just A Friend
Carter Nov 2019
Can’t you see that i love you?
I just can’t love you in the way that you want.
You are one of my best friends,
but the way you’re acting is tearing us apart.
When i finally met someone i like,
you should’ve been happy for me,
but all you’re doing is making me cry.
I can’t lose you as a friend,
but i can’t have you as a lover.
Nov 2019 · 126
Liar
Carter Nov 2019
I keep saying that i’m going to cut him off,
but every time he texts me,
i’m rushing to respond,
i’m always going out with him.
I keep saying that i’m done with him,
but he makes me feel wanted.
And i would rather lose myself than
leave him.
Nov 2019 · 108
Over You
Carter Nov 2019
At this point
I’d do anything to be over you.
But i don’t want to.
I want to go back to the way we were before.
But everything you do hurts me.
So now i’m ready to let you go,
even if my heart still holds on.
Nov 2019 · 193
Unrequited
Carter Nov 2019
It’s been over a week since you ended it
and i'm still hung up on you.
I still have feelings for you,
but i know they aren’t returned
because you got with another before the night was over.
I’m stuck in a tunnel of unrequited feelings.
Nov 2019 · 91
cigarettes
Carter Nov 2019
i can’t smoke cigarettes anymore
because they remind me of my time with you.
i can’t drink tequila anymore
because it reminds me of that night
i can’t even hang out with you anymore
because all the time i spend with you
just makes the pain so much worse.
Oct 2019 · 218
reminder
Carter Oct 2019
my friends keep bringing you up
because they don’t know what happened between us.
everyday i’m forced to relive the heartbreak because we had to keep what we were doing a secret.
all i want to do is cry when i hear your name but i haven’t even shed a tear.
not even when you ended what we had
Oct 2019 · 209
Addiction
Carter Oct 2019
i only stayed with you to get my fix.
i’m not sure which was more attractive
how you treated me
or
the drugs you gave me.
when we were together
i felt like i could say anything.
it was probably just the drugs.
i only stayed because of the drugs.
that is what i keep telling myself.
i didn’t care for you,
i just used you for the drugs.
that’s all it was.
i was addicted to them
not you
never you.
that is what i keep telling myself.
i was just addicted to the adrenalin.
there was no emotion.
i didn’t like you.
i just liked the things you do.
Oct 2019 · 76
Over You
Carter Oct 2019
I bleached my hair a pale blonde
because when we were together,
it was a dark purple.
I’m letting my hair grow out
because when you said you loved me,
it was shaved to almost nothing.
I gave myself a tattoo
because when you laid with me
I didn’t have any.
I am getting over you
because even though i still am attached,
I can’t let myself hurt any longer.
I will change every part of me
just so i’m not reminded.
I will not let you destroy me
because i am the only one that holds the power.
Oct 2019 · 79
The Text
Carter Oct 2019
My heart dropped when i read your text.
You said you found another
and you couldn’t be with me.
It sent me spiraling.
I didn’t understand.
If you had truly loved me,
how could you chose someone else?
But now i get it.
You never did love me.
I was just there until you found
someone better.
Oct 2019 · 637
Love?
Carter Oct 2019
What am i supposed to do?
Tell you i’m in love with you,
while you’re telling me you love another.
Oct 2019 · 74
Scars
Carter Oct 2019
You saw the scars i carved into my skin,
said you had some too.
We shared tales of our trauma
and stories of our lives.
I thought we might end up together.
But you found another.
Hopefully one who makes you smile,
like i once did.
I don’t hate you or even her.
I just hate myself for allowing you in.
Oct 2019 · 63
Temporary
Carter Oct 2019
I knew what we had was temporary
all because it was supposed to be
“no strings attached”.
Everyone knows how this story ends,
one party catches feelings and is left heartbroken,
until, magically, the other person feels the same.
But that isn’t how my story ends.
Im left longing for him
while some other girl lay with him.
Oct 2019 · 111
Blocked
Carter Oct 2019
i’ve blocked your number.
i’ve deleted our pictures.
i tell anyone who asks,
“he was just a phase”.
but when i see you with her,
my heart is breaking.
i can’t stand seeing you with another,
knowing that i messed up something great.
i can see my mistakes.
i can see my flaws.
i know i messed up.
but every morning,
i wake up,
and tell myself,
you mean nothing to me.
Oct 2019 · 102
Peach
Carter Oct 2019
the night that i met you,
i slept in another’s bed.
when i saw you again,
thoughts of him disappeared.
i forgot every part of me and him.
i just wanted to hold onto you.
but you, my beautiful peach,
had no clue the ties i held.
he owns my heart,
he fuels my addiction.
even when thoughts of you consume me,
i have to run to him for my next hit.
Oct 2019 · 60
Spiral Staircase
Carter Oct 2019
I’m spiraling again,
back into the folds of my illness.
I can see the signs,
I can feel the degradation of my mind.
I know the things i’m doing are destructive,
but they are the things keeping me alive.
The things keeping me alive now,
will be the things that destroy me later.
They will come back to bite me.
They will destroy my body,
more than i could do with my bare hand.
I’m in a downward spiral,
and i don’t have the strength,
to bring myself back up.
Oct 2019 · 137
Please
Carter Oct 2019
Please god, any god that is willing to listen,
free me from my self-made prison.
I locked the door and threw away the key.
Please, anyone that is willing to listen,
help me find the key that i lost.
I can’t see in this darkness anymore.
My eyes are open,
but all i see is my illness.
I can’t see the cell i made myself,
nor can i see the key to escape.
Sep 2019 · 204
God. It’s me
Carter Sep 2019
i wish i believed in god,
if only to blame him for my issues.
i wish i believed in god,
just to tell him that he has not beaten me.
i am broken and bruised,
but the blood that stains my past
will not stain my future.
i wish i believed in god,
because when i am in need of help,
i have my mirror to aid me.
i wish i believed in god,
to blame anything but my genetics.
i wish i believed in god,
if only to have hope for the future.
i am not broken. i am not beaten.
i am angry and i will claw my way out
of this hell of my own construction.
Aug 2019 · 119
Nicotine
Carter Aug 2019
i’ve stopped cutting
because i’ve found a new release.
i breathe in the smoke,
each hit destroying my lungs.
i know the danger.
i know the risks.
i don’t care anymore.
i’ve got a self destructive personality,
and, darling, nicotine tastes so sweet.
Jul 2019 · 159
God?
Carter Jul 2019
Are you there, God?
Can you hear my prayers?
Do you see my pain?
Will you forgive the sinners
who curse your name?
Is there a way to save my soul?

Can i still enter your kingdom?
Do you love me unconditionally?
Will you always love me?
Who could ever love me?
Is there anyway to save me?
Are you even there?

Do you wish you hadn’t created us?
Can you love an atheist like me?
Is there even a soul in my walking corpse?
Do you even exist?
Will you forgive all?
Are you even there, God?
May 2019 · 136
cheater
Carter May 2019
why was i not enough for you?
am i just too much of the wrong thing?
i already changed myself for you,
i would’ve changed even more.
i want to say i hate you
for everything you did to me,
but i love you as much as before.
i’m still in love with a cheater.
i’m still in love with the one who broke me
May 2019 · 189
heartless
Carter May 2019
i act like i’m heartless
to protect myself from the pain.
i pretend i don’t feel anything,
but every time i see you,
it’s like knives are entering my heart.
every word you say to me,
is tearing me apart.
leaving you broke me,
some might say i turned heartless,
but really,
i’m just using my heart less.
May 2019 · 183
poison
Carter May 2019
i tried to warn you to stay away,
from my poison and pain.
i tried to show you i’m toxic.
the brightest things in nature,
are the most poisonous,
and you’ve seen my hair.
it’s been every shade,
bright and vibrant.
so you can’t blame me for your hurt.
May 2019 · 114
sleep
Carter May 2019
i haven’t slept much since i saw you last.
it’s hard to fall asleep
when i no longer have you watching over me.
our late night calls were my saving grace.
i was finally able to get enough rest.
but now i’m back at the start.
my nights are filled with sleeping pills that don’t work
and tears when i think of you.
i’d rather stay awake for ever,
than dream of what we could have had.
May 2019 · 124
you deserve more
Carter May 2019
you don’t know how much it hurt
when i decided to let you go.
you deserve so much more than me
and i was just dragging you down.
you shouldn’t have to put up with me
and my endless problems.
when i said i couldn’t commit,
i was just giving you an out.
you don’t know how much it hurt,
when you said you weren’t.
May 2019 · 335
what i wish i could say
Carter May 2019
my heart still hurts when i see you
2. i haven’t gotten over you
3. i am still hopelessly in love with you
4. there are so many things i wish i had told you
5. my mom still asks about you. sometimes it seems like she cares more about you than she does me
6. i am still in part one of my recovery, where i say i’m getting help, but every night i’m falling apart.
7. i wish i didn’t let my jealousy get in the way of us
8. i still think of you
9. i still love you
10. it’s always you
May 2019 · 189
delete
Carter May 2019
i want to delete,
all the messages we sent,
and all the pictures we took,
but i’m scared that once i do,
everything we had,
will turn out to be my imagination.
and i’m not ready to let go of what we had
May 2019 · 78
van gogh
Carter May 2019
i have started to feel like van gogh,
the paint is starting to look appetizing.
maybe when i finally die,
people will romanticize me like him.
maybe when i die,
people will idolize me like him.
but i’m not nearly as good at what i do.
we know him for a reason,
i’ll just be known
as the one who couldn’t make it
May 2019 · 267
hurt
Carter May 2019
i wanna say it doesn’t hurt,
but every time i see you with her,
my heart starts to ache.
i wanna day that i don’t love you anymore
but every time i see your face,
i miss what we had.
i don’t regret leaving you,
because if i had stayed,
my heart would be breaking everyday.
May 2019 · 141
broken
Carter May 2019
while i was sobbing in my room,
you were with her.
while i was having panic attacks,
you were with her.
it’s was always her.
i was just a placeholder,
only there to occupy your lonely nights.
it took me months to realize,
how messed up we really were.
you could never love me,
because you’ll always be in love with her.
Apr 2019 · 156
i can’t blame you
Carter Apr 2019
i can’t blame you
for how it ended.
i was the one who couldn’t admit
how i really felt about you.
i wasn’t able to let you in completely
or let you get too close.
only now i let you go,
am i realizing
that we were doomed from the start
Apr 2019 · 129
jealousy
Carter Apr 2019
i love you so much,
but i can’t deal with the insecurity.
whenever i see you with her,
i start to burn with jealousy.
you say you’re just friends,
but i see how you look at her.
she was your first love.
how can i compete with that?
i see how you are together.
i see how close you are.
and it’s eating me alive.
i’m sure that if you had the choice,
you’d choose her over me any day.
i just don’t measure up to her.
the pain of seeing you with her is killing me.
Carter Apr 2019
you said it didn’t hurt,
when i broke it off.
you asked if we could still be friends,
not knowing that being around you,
would break my heart even more.
i said i couldn’t commit,
but it was you who couldn’t take my heart.
i’m falling into pieces,
while you talk to her.
what we had didn’t mean much to you,
but you were my everything.
while i was texting you,
you were calling her.
i can’t deal with this anymore.
i can’t take the ache,
knowing that if you had to choose
between me and her,
it’d always be her.
forever her.
i don’t know what hurts more,
knowing that what we had was temporary
or wishing that it lasted longer.
Apr 2019 · 127
heartbreak
Carter Apr 2019
i shouldn’t be wasting my words on you,
but my heart is breaking open,
and i need to get them out,
before they start spilling from my lips.
i shouldn’t be dedicating my poems to you
since i know you’ll never read them,
but i can’t keep the words in.
i knew we wouldn’t last,
i was the one who couldn’t commit,
but that doesn’t mean i don’t love you.
it just means the heartbreak will pass
Apr 2019 · 166
let go
Carter Apr 2019
i’m sorry that i had to let you go,
my heart just couldn’t take the uncertainty
i’m sorry that it didn’t last longer,
i’m not good with commitment.
i couldn’t go on watching you and her.
you say you’re over her,
you say you’re just friends,
but i see the way you look at her,
i see the way you act when you’re together
i couldn’t stand between you two.
even though i am still so in love with you,
it’s time for you to leave.
my heart aches,
but i know this is right.
you are meant to be,
and i’m not going to get in the way of that.
you say i’m the one for you,
but we both know better.
it’s time for me to let go
Apr 2019 · 772
i still love you
Carter Apr 2019
the hardest thing to do,
is leave someone you’re still in love with.
but sometimes,
the best thing for you,
isn’t always the easiest.
and, as much as i love you
and everything you do,
the best thing for me,
will never be you.
Apr 2019 · 167
the ocean
Carter Apr 2019
i like to describe my mental illness as an ocean.
my depression is the water,
swirling around me
and
even when it’s calm,
i am being bombarded by the current.
when it’s not calm,
i am dragged under by the waves.
my anxiety is a shark,
even when i can’t see it,
it’s there,
stalking me from the deep.
when i have a panic attack,
the sharks fly into a frenzy,
attacking every part of my mind,
ripping me into shreds.
everyone around me can’t see the sharks,
they can’t feel the waves,
but i am being swept out by the riptide.
And i never learned to swim.
Apr 2019 · 129
death
Carter Apr 2019
someone said that you die twice,
once when your soul leaves your body
and when someone speaks your name for the last time.
because of this,
i keep my name to myself.
when i die,
i never want someone to know my name.
Apr 2019 · 141
I can’t love you
Carter Apr 2019
i cannot love you,
i cannot even love myself.
i can’t expose the part of myself,
that holds my heart.
i cannot bring myself to care for another,
when i can’t care for myself.
i don’t want you to have to deal with me,
i don’t want to deal with me.
my heart was broken long ago
by a girl who cut all her hair off
and told me she loved me.
but when you love someone,
you’ll do anything for them,
and i couldn’t give her what she wanted.
so when i say i can’t love you,
it’s because my heart belongs to another.
i can’t love you
because i haven’t loved since her.
Apr 2019 · 131
Why
Carter Apr 2019
Why
i can never be her,
so why did you say you want me.
i see the way you look at her.
she’s your entire world.
we would never work out.
i’m too ****** up.
we’d never have what you have with her.
you say you love me,
but all you think of is her.
you say that i’m the one for you,
but you spend all your time with her.
i can’t even admit that i like you,
and she’s given you her heart.
i’m sorry i can’t be what you need.
i’m sorry i can’t love you.
but i still don’t want you with her.
it’s selfish, i know.
but my heart beats for you.
i’ve become dependent on you.
ive completely fallen for you.
but she’s the one that you deserve.
Apr 2019 · 76
Self Assessment
Carter Apr 2019
Like a forgotten god, she walks alone.
As for her sins, she must atone.
She tastes ash in everything she eats,
blood in everything she drinks.  
And she walks alone.

Her stride is quick and confident.
Her mind is dark and incompetent.
When others look upon her,
they see nothing of her former self.
Dark, outgoing, mysterious,
All thoughts that pass.
And she walks alone.

Quiet and shakily, she tells her tales.
Nothing of substance is revealed.
She wears black like heavy armor,
attempting to shield herself from the world.
And she walks alone.

The mask upon her face is to protect,
shielding her emotions, as she is a wreck.
One she trusts, she shouts with glee,
“Jackson!” she calls
“Kendahl!” says he.

When one door closes, another opens,
But this room is made of glass.
All can see her suffering
But none shall pass.
And she is alone.

Her hair is an ever changing rainbow,
hues of pinks, reds, and blues.
With headphones in her ears
She acts as though she doesn’t hear,
the judgmental words of her peers.
And she walks alone.

If people were colors,
she would be black.
Strong, Rebellious, Dangerous.
She would be red.
Angry, Powerful, Passionate.
She would paint the walls with her colors.
But people aren’t colors.
People are pack animals.
And she is alone.

She haunts this world like a goddess from long ago.
Wandering from class to class,
A modern day zombie.
Her confident stride is filled with lies.
Her lack of fear is just a facade.
She is the monster in your closet.
She is the demon in your nightmares
And she is always alone.

Her legs twitch with anxiety.
Her hands shake with untapped potential.
Mind racing with every thought.
She carries herself like something old and lost.
And she walks alone.

Cut her open and you shall see.
The abandoned child that is beneath.
She chokes on the words she is unable to say.
Every “i love you” dies away.
What happens to the girl who seems strong?
She withers away until everything is gone.
But she is the rainbow.
Bloodstained and broken and still flying high.
But like everyone knows,
Icarus had to fly before he fell.
This is a poem that i wrote for an assignment, but i figured i might as well put it up.
Apr 2019 · 338
To My Lady Love
Carter Apr 2019
If life was a never ending winter,
our love would be the icicles.
Never melting and sharp as ever,
Ready to fall, but never reaching that point.

Then we would be together forever,
us two against the world.
A daring duo prepared to fight for love,
No one would see us apart.

But life goes through seasons
And you know what people will say
A pair of women bonded in this way,
And i can’t deal with the stares.

So let’s make the most of tonight
Cause we don’t know what happens in the morn
And my parents don’t approve of this life.
If they find out about this forbidden tryst
We won’t make it out of this.
Apr 2019 · 121
Love
Carter Apr 2019
I wish i could love you.
I wish i could spend my days thinking of you.
I wish that my heart would ache when you’re not around.
I wish that we could be together.

But i can’t love you.
And i spend my days thinking of death.
And my heart only aches when i get heartburn.
We just can’t be together.

You are too good for me.
You care about people.
You are nice and kind and good.
You deserve someone like you.

I am not good.
I don’t care about anyone but myself.
I am mean and cruel and unloveable.
I don’t deserve to feel loved.

I’m sorry that i can’t love you.
I’m sorry that i’m so twisted.
I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry that i gave you a chance.

I don’t deserve someone like you.
You don’t deserve someone as ****** as me.
Everyone knows you belong with her.
And no one knows that i let you in.

So leave while you can,
Before you get too attached.
I can’t bring myself to let you go.
So take this chance.

Go be with the one you should.
Go love someone that will love you back.
Leave me here to rot.
Just go while you still can.

Maybe i could love you,
If i wasn’t so ******.
Maybe i could love you,
if i felt that i deserved love.

I’m going to **** myself soon.
And i don’t want you to feel that.
I’m going to be leaving soon,
And i don’t want you to regret what we had.
This is to pretty much anyone i’ve dated or had a thing with. I’m sorry about everything guys.
Apr 2019 · 156
Sick
Carter Apr 2019
i am sick.
i don’t say that to get pity.
i say that because it is a fact.
my illness doesn’t allow me to sleep.
or eat.
or love.
my illness controls me.
i spend my days practicing a smile
at night, i fall apart.
i slice my skin and wish for death.
if i were to die, i wouldn’t be happy,
i just wouldn’t exist anymore.
my anger and sadness and hopelessness
would all cease to exist,
and i would finally be at peace.
suicide may be considered a sin,
but i am pagan.
my gods would accept my surrender.
but my mother would not.
nor would the rest of my loved ones.
but i am not them,
and i just want to die.
my illness is what causes this.
my illness is what keeps me sick.
and i am so sick.
i am just so sick.
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