My mind was yours
but now it's locked.
I used to care
but now I've stopped.
My heart was full
but now it's popped.
The picture was us
but now it's cropped.

This is a thoroughly post-modern phenomenon.

[Breathe, don't be nervous. It's fine. Wallah, you're not doing anything wrong.]

Digitally arranged meetings with ostensible strangers yet with more familiarity than our ancestors could imagine.
An arranged meeting,
a warm greeting,
a sensing,
a feeling.

“Are you Sami?”
“I am,” as I posture for a hug.

[She’s actually more beautiful than I expected. Her ample curls smell like conditioner and sunshine.]

“So you’re Kuwaiti?"
"Yea, I moved here when I was 18, to Kansas of all places."
"To be honest, I had to look up the emoji flag from your profile. My Muslim WhatsApp group helped me out.”
“Oh, okay. So you’re Muslim?”
“Yea, I was raised Muslim; my mom married a Kuwaiti in the 80s, blah blah blah.”
“What? Your mom lived in Kuwait?”
“Yea, kinda crazy, I know, but it’s a small world.”

[Small worlds make the gaps between souls smaller.
Who knew such a small place could leave such a big impact on so many lives?
Certainly neither of us.
Serendipity?
Allah y3alam.]  

“Why do lesbians discriminate against bisexuals? You’d think of all people, they wouldn’t be so judgmental.”
“You’d think, but you’d be wrong. It’s like we have a plague.” Her voice goes on, but my mind drifts off.

[Tortoise-shell glasses, beautiful lashes, manicured eyebrows that frame flickering dark eyes, encased in a forest of curls, legging laced thighs, oh my. ::Deepsigh. Pay attention to what she’s saying! Oh my, she’s my type. This is bad. No, no, hamdilah, this is good.]

“Do you want another round?” the bar keep’s inquiry snaps me back to reality. I interrupt to suggest a change of location. [Perhaps something less commercial, less public, less straight, more private, and more intimate.]
“It’s only a short walk.”
“Yea, let’s do it.”

[By short walk, I mean three doors down from the bar. The perks of suggesting the venue.]

“Shoes off?”
“Yea, it’s habit, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course not.”

She sits, crosses her long legs, and gives me this look. My heart flutters; I remember my manners:
“Can I make you a drink? What’s your poison? Gin or *****?”
I mix our drinks and think:
[She must like me.
This is good.
I’m glad we did this digital dance to find romance.
What a treasure, finding this post-modern habibi.
Alhamdulilah,
Lucky me.]

Cold on this love lift,
her coldness was her last gift.
Hear this, feel this.
This everlasting summer,
this beautiful beach bliss,
this fiery kiss has gone cold.
We know it's necessary
but it's nonetheless scary,
to lose a love so intense,
so real,
without judgement or pretense.
But I sense that this is necessary,
if not temporary.
This was her last gift,
a final kiss.
Who knew it would be our last?
For how long will 'last' last?
I miss her laugh;
Our love was made to last.
I'm sure of it, aren't I? Aren't I?
A secret love that was a delicate dance around horrible circumstance;
Forbidden love that tears the heart, the mind, the world in two.
But what could we do,
but try until we simply couldn't anymore?
Our last kiss haunts me,
it taunts me...
Lips cleaned by the tears that streamed,
but what I mean
is that we had too many goodbyes to ever make it.
We didn't fake it but,
it was never enough.
Love snuffed,
drowned in distance,
choked by fear,
too much persistence,
insistence,
hesitance,
reticence,
innocence,
distance,
always too much distance,
and inexperience,
and in my experience,
there's no good way to leave.
No easy goodbye,
not when you've been this high,
on a love lift.
Snow drifts... my mind drifts.
Gentle caresses,
passionate undresses,
****** intensity,
always too much brevity.
Searching for levity,
much needed serenity.
I find gratitude in the strangest place;
it has a bitter taste:
In the coldness
of her non-existent goodbye,
lay her last gift.
The coldness of it was her last gift.
Like a bandaid pulled off with a single rip.
You once said I had a heart of gold.
Falling into the snow,
hopping off this love lift.
My gentle heart now grows cold,
wandering... adrift.
But still I want,
just one more kiss.

my gasps they
actively react to you
academically,
accidentally I think
facing the tall-bed-duet
dragging your
thigh towards
my cheek
was beautiful up
side down & it
took me
she,
took me
we're,
falling asleep

gorgeous doesn't
do you
justice
when I just wished for the chorus
singing our lousy song, I
stayed up late with it
I
counted the sheep
they fell asleep
I'm
clutching the sheets
stop thinking there's a
Dreamgirl
quit pouring that red-cheek idea
down your throat
a few more
fast
the song should end soon
sore knee love
should end soon
professional pretender
bending blinks
more drinks, bartender
loving you gets
expensive
I'm paying with my
well-being
I'm being lied to by sunlight
cause I can't trust anything
after it leaves

the night sky is so silent here.

white fluff, cold stuff,
drifting,
shifting,
lifting
all the dark away.
to keep the shadows at bay.

i knew i wasn't ready to let go
i was forced to grow
underneath this snow
although
below
it is so calm

the night sky is so dim here

dusk drops, warmth stops
pleasing,
teasing,
freezing
all the light again

i knew it wasn't the right thing to do
and now i can't continue
i have fallen through
even though
below
it was so calm

and i have now lost it all

A serendipitous sadness...
Is there really such a thing?
The casting of doubts, the return of engagement rings.
Our hearts are broken,
Our plans undone.
Hold me tonight, just for fun.