Love!

I cannot eat,
I cannot sleep,
Night, day?
I can not say!

The wondering of when am I going to see you again?!
Yesterday blurs into today,
Today blurs into tomorrow.
The vicious cycle of over thinking continues yet again!

I’m tiered!
I’m drained!
I’m emotionally exhausted!

I want to rest,
I want to sleep!
But it’s too late I’ve dived in way too deep,
And I would love to know what’s next!

The feeling of being sick to my stomach,
Knowing you can’t talk to me.
The feeling of disappointment,
Because the message wasn’t from you.

Do you see what you’ve lead to!
Do you see what you’ve done to me!
Do you see what I have to battle with everyday?

As much as it causes pain I still look for the best,
Your eyes looking at me like I’m the best there ever was,
You smile so bright it warms me up inside,
And your touch so hot on my skin that I cannot breathe!

Yet your still not free,
Your still no man of mine.
Yet there’s so much hope,
You’ll one day be my man!

This time is for change,
Time for my happiness,
Time for the colour in my eyes to glisten again,
It's time for a chance to grow.

Just a thought that he could be,
Anything I could ever need.
With eyes that hold only the truth,
And with a heart full of love and wonder.

His touch melts away the stress,
His words can calm the worst of my anger,
All along it's what I needed but never could have.
I get a feeling that this time around the feelings are reciprocated.

Our eyes shining like the stars we once wished upon,
And our hearts now beating to a matching rhythm of content.

As another night settles me in,
My arms are wide open,
I'm gonna stand alone,
Cause its just another day
In this dreadful world without souls!

They've called me bad company before,
But I know when the time comes,
I'll rise up from the ground.

I've spoken to the devil himself,
She said that she's ashamed!
What have they done?
Who have I become?

But I'm stuck inside my head,
Feel like nothing is left in this world.

It's not that clear yet but I'll rise!
And through the night I will shine!

I'll get my spark back!

I will rise up.

I say everything with me is fine,
But I’ve been falling apart for a while now.
The old familiar sting,
And all the feelings disappear.
I keep myself closed off,
As if I’m a million miles away.

Tell me something please,
Are you happy in this decision of yours?
With everything said and done,
Where did your love go?
You’re someone else,
But it’s me who knows it’s something else you’re searching for!

You say ‘I love you’
Really wish that it was true.
I wanted to believe you this time!
Even though I tried,
I had to let hope go again.
You do this to me every time!

And every time I give in to you I hurt myself,
It’s as if i want to see if I still feel.
Then I focus on the pain,
To not go under again.

Are you glad you didn’t listen yet again, when the world was trying to warn you?!

I tried to make it work,
But it only put me on the edge of my anxiety,
Now the voices inside my head are getting loud,
I really wish that I could just shut all of this out.

I didn’t want to be the disappointment,
And now you’re all embarrassed by me,
You’ve always had my back,
So this time round I thought you would’ve had it too!

But I guess that I was once again wrong
Because that’s just parents for you.

I have a fog surround my mind
And it’s making me confused,
But this time I’m gonna trust,
In my silence bound cries.
This time!
The feeling of my uncertain actions,
Are taking it’s toll on my sanity.

You expect me to have the answer to these life changing questions,
And I’m sorry mum for letting down our family like that now,
But this world is cold and cruel,
And because of that I keep losing,
To this game we call a life.
I’m sorry that I let you down!
I feel the end of me is nearing soon.

You don’t want to make this work,
You keep making it all worse,
This once I need you to listen to me,
But you never want to hear my words.

You don’t want to accept the change that I made in myself,
And let me guess you want me to apologize for it,
But if we keep going at a rate like this,
At one point one of us will be forced to leave.

But even in a moment like this,
You’d straighten up and act like nothing happened.

I have a fog surround my mind
And it’s making me confused,
But this time I’m gonna trust,
In my silence bound cries.
This time!
The feeling of my uncertain actions,
Are taking it’s toll on my sanity.

You expect me to have the answer to these life changing questions,
And I’m sorry mum for letting down our family like that now,
But this world is cold and cruel,
And because of that I keep losing,
To this game we call a life.
I’m sorry that I let you down!
I feel the end of me is nearing soon.

This is the world that I now have to live in,
But this change is going to be good,
It will benefit and prepare me,
For the person I am meant to become.

Continuing to watch you stand firmly by my side,
Brings me joy to know that I finally have some stability,
With you by me I know that I'll be safe.

You're the guarding angel,
Always lurking in the shadows,
Watching over me wherever I go!

You're the best and the worst.
You are selfish.
Yet you are delicate,
Like a first spring flower,
After a harsh winter.

Like the sun you have the power,
To melt the cold inside my soul.
And like the sun,
You can blind and trick people,
To see what you see.

Like a glass you are fragile.
Like an owl you are wise.
Yet like a child you are so naive!
Playing games with me.
should I stay...
Or should I stand strong and go?

I'm never closing my eyes,
Unsure of what I might see.
I'm never going to let you lead!
Above the dark skies,
I can hear the desperate cries.
The mind demands control!

And all you do with my emotions,
Is play these stupid games!
The games of the...
HEART!

This life is not how I wanted it to turn out,
Everybody is not themselves,
Acting up to the expectations that will never be reached!

My head is spinning in random circles,
I'm trying my best to cling on to the little sanity I have left,
The hope for humanity is slowly dying out.

You ask for my opinion and then expect me to lie,
The deception of everything being fine,
Nothing is real anymore to me.

You build up mental walls so I cannot see the real you,
The human that you try so hard to hide from the world,
A mental battle between yourself everyday no matter what!

Why so cruel and so ignorant,
I too struggle with who I'm meant to be,
You are insensitive to the feelings of others.

We all have to fall in order to get back up,
You dust it off and try again not giving in,
In the end you gain more strength and experience.

So don't put yourself into this pessimistic mindset,
And don't be afraid if the steps that you take are a little rough,
Cause I know that you are just like me - a human with the wrong mindset for this day and era!

Hoping you'd be able to step up...
For a boy who couldn't be a man,
Stepping being the father he can not be.

I try to forget the sins of that man,
Which hurt me and scared me for the rest of my life,
taking the whole of my heart and the whole of my love!

But with every stepfather that comes,
The task is harder and the love is smaller,
And the expectations just keep getting higher.

I don't believe in any kind of love any more,
The gap got too big to fill in by materialistic stuff,
Never will I be able to get better and start to love!

I hope I can someday not be broken,
My heart scattered into a million pieces,
Don't believe in any kind of love anymore.

Haven't got the will and the time,
For another candidate to come and try,
The role isn't easily filled with just some KIND of love!

The whole walk and the talk?
Not enough!

Presents and all the fake feelings?
Aren't going to cut it!

You have to take on all of the stairs,
Every step you take gets you the knowledge,
Getting higher nearly ready to be a STEPFATHER!