I watched you live a life full of happiness.
Singing karaoke with the family in the living room,
Laughing as you tell stories of your life,
Bringing bibingka to every family party,
Embracing your grandchildren with love,
Giving my mother manicures,
Being loved by anyone you had come across.

I watched you live a life in pain.
Being diagnosed with cervical cancer,
Going through the straining effects of radiation,
Losing your body to the disease,
Suffering as the cancer spread to your lungs,
Struggling to stay awake in fear of not waking up,
Battling to conquer the disgusting sickness,
Laying in bed covered in tubes,
Fighting until you could not fight anymore.

I watched you live your life until the end.
Walking into hospital room,
Seeing your lifeless body,
Crying to know that you were gone,
Clinging to my brother and sister,
Feeling an emptiness that could not be filled,
Weeping with my grandmother over your casket,
Saying my final goodbye.

Now you watch over me.
And I cannot wait until I can live with you again.

Is it under the editing of my face you do to fix all my flaws?
Is it under all the makeup I put on because you told me to?
Is it under all the weight you want me to lose?

Is it behind my tearful eyes when I hear all your criticism?
Is it behind all the stretch marks that cover my body?
Is it behind all of the forced positivity I have for myself?

Tell me where.
I want to know.

Because I cannot find in myself. Not for who I am.
Maybe in who you want me to be.

You are more.
There's something in you.
Although I know you are beat down to the core,
And you want to give up, but I am begging you not to.

It's in your eyes.
Like watching a raging fire with nothing in its way.
And you wear a disguise.
Yet it doesn't hide me from seeing your heart on display.

You try to counteract the system,
With a mind of those dancing flames, distorted images of beauty.
You're always in an enchanting rhythm.
Never out of tune within me.

Why are you so broken inside?

Even your walk tells me that you are screaming for someone to hold you.

I can tell that all the tears have dried.

Without spoken words, I already knew.

And I wish you knew that I think you're beautiful in a way.
I want you to know, but what for?
I think that you're in dismay,

Because oh my god. . .

You are so much more.

Should I stay,
Knowing that you are not what I need,
But what I want?

Should I leave,
Knowing that a life with you might be chaining,
But feeling free when you kiss my skin?

Should I cry,
Knowing that things are not the way they used to be,
But try to accept anything you offer me?

Should I give up,
Knowing that we are far too different,
But knowing that we both want to be in love?

Should I?

Should I not?

I just want to breathe

Without feeling
the sound of blood pounding in my ears,
tears streaming down my face,
my breath tremble,
so much weight on my shoulders,
a cold knife in my chest,
cracks in my heart,
everything falling apart.

I just want to breathe again.

I do not make you smile anymore.
I do not feel your hand holding mine anymore.
I do not feel your warmth.

You do not pay attention to little nothings I whisper in your ear.
You do not talk to me the way you used to.
When you say "I love you", I do not feel your sincerity.

You do not dream of me anymore.
You do not wake up early in the morning to say "good morning" anymore.

You do not get there first, awaiting me.
You are not there with open arms, ready to wrap them around me.

And I used to complain about how chained you made me feel,
But now it is the only thing I long for.
I am so wanting every bit of your attention towards me,
rather than not enough.

Today, I asked if it was bad that I missed you,
even though I had just seen you yesterday.
Usually, you would say, "No, because I miss you too."
But you said, "A little bit, but it's okay."

That is when I knew I have lost you.

You seemed to be made of glass.
One single touch, and shards of you would fall at my feet.
I remember how you thought you were transparent, fragile mass.
Even your appearance was lonely and obsolete.

I wanted to fix you,
and make you feel whole again.
To hold together your shattered pieces and make them brand new.
Though, I knew you would crack every now and then.

But like old, damaged glass never again to be sought,
You concealed yourself in the corner of a room.
Feeling too unstable to be around people who are not,
Your brittle bones continue to crumble inside your tomb.

When I glance in the mirror, I too, see demolition
I recognize the hollow face as “broken.”
I see the decaying smile due to years of repetition
Of being silent, invisible, unspoken.

I think it’s beautiful that I find you in myself
Oh, how you were decomposing,
How you were experiencing hell.
Now, I find my eyes subconsciously closing.

There are fractured remnants of you that I have found piercing through my own skin,
Any blood that has remained of you has been found in my veins.
Because you realized that in fact, nothing about yourself was shatterproof within.
And now, the only physical residue that I see of you is the reflection of my own pain.

I can feel the blood dripping from my palms to my arms
Because I’ve been carrying fragments of you that I have found in me.
As though enduring through the turbulence of self-harm,
It feels as if I am being washed away at sea.

My being is still lingering around the thought of you.
Wandering around the absent, dim light that used to refract through your eyes.
Wondering if you knew that I am broken, too.
My splintering heart has been translucent to your lies.

Yet under the surface,
I sense every single emotion that used to fulfill your soul.
And now a part of me is pondering if it is ever worth it,
And another fraction of me is wanting to feel whole.

And now, as I stare at the manifestation of you that is me,
I am afraid that I will follow your trail of shattered pieces you have left,
I am terrified that the weight of you will crush me slowly,
I am petrified that the ghost of you will leave me suppressed.

Because I can discern your cries echoing through my ears at night,
I can feel the shivering of your voice when I speak.
I hold in your longing-- that is now mine-- for my hands to shake from left to right
As I am too inhibited and meek.

I can perceive the fear that you used to possess.
The prospects of your vulnerability are scratching at the interior of my lungs,
And it’s killing me, I must confess.
Your agonizing whispers are spoken through my tongue.

But even with your broken remains lying heavy on my shoulders,
I will transform your fragility into competence.
Even with the burden of you, I will regain my composure.
I will alter your doubts into confidence.

Still, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to ignore you.
Because you surround my thoughts like a picture frame.
Because your jagged pieces have scarred me like a tattoo.
Because trying to forget you is like trying to forget my own name.

I realized that even if you'd ever hurt me,
I'd still love you.

Even if you left black and blue bruises on my body,
I would still allow your lips to linger there.

Even if you left scars on my skin,
I'd still smile at the mirror knowing it was you who marked me as yours.

Even if your hands were around my neck,
I'd still wear your name around it.

Even if you beat the breath out of my lungs,
I'd still use the remaining air to whisper out your name.

Even if you ripped my heart out of my chest,
It would still beat for you.

He was as sad as a flower without color--
Terribly drained, couldn’t be saved without another.
Inside, he felt as if he was dying.
On the outside, he was crying.

But even the tears of a pale boy couldn’t strain the feelings I had for him.
And although his hair needed a trim,
With eyes as dark as the bottom of the sea,
He was still beautiful to me.

His weary talk, his slow walk,
The way he would never mock
a person so different.
Oh, his heart was so vibrant.

You see, his soul was brighter than light.
But in his head, he emerged a fight
with himself.
Indulged with thoughts of guilt.

But he didn’t deserve that hell.
And of course, only I knew that well.
He didn’t think he was worth it.
But to me, he was perfect.