Spending a month in a hospital teaches you a lot about people.
The doctor that told me to shave my head or she wouldn't treat me,
The nurses that spent forever chatting to me
And giving me supportive advice about how my illness doesn't define me.
The woman who was given a terminal cancer sentence
And chose not to pay attention to it and defied it anyway.
How she sat next to me on my bed,
Told me that all suffering is valid,
And just because I'm not dying, doesn't mean I don't get to complain.
How she complains more about her skin problems
Than she ever complained about her cancer,
And that's OK, because pain rarely follows rules.
I never even learned her name,
But she gave me the words I hold most closely to me
On those days when I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
I'm allowed to scream and shout and rage against the pain
And the unfairness of it happening to me.
I just have to make sure I know where the line is
Between giving my darkness a voice and pitying myself.

The others- they all tell their version of this as a brag
a slight air of look at what happened to me
But when they commiserate I never say a word

And I've tried to figure out why these past few years
Maybe it's that I don't feel it's fair to judge when I can't peer into the psyche of the
other side
Maybe it's that I'm trying to pretend I've already found closure
But I think these might all be excuses
A way to hide what I don't want to admit is the truth

The reason why we most often hold our tongues and look down
is shame

so it would seem that I'm still ashamed I let this come to pass

it wasn't your fault, the therapist says

but you saying that doesn't help if I don't believe it

is the cure the solution the be all
if I knew what the question was
I might not need as many answers

The space had a scent.
In stunned silence, I will
speak my mind.

More was less. Nothing
stirs, the raging pyre.
As if the poverty of thoughts had ended.

The happenings, splinter
the dream again. Sun steps out
from the black clouds.

You find yourself
interpreting the propelled blaze,
sleeping amidst the mirrors in dark.

The ******* jumps the
boundaries. I am your only
dilemma. I never speak in whispers.

I don't like birds in cages,
I can't abide fish in tanks:
But the prison I'm in is the size of my skin
And it fits me just perfectly, thanks!

Starlight stops and steps and skips like
Stones across the water while
The dragonflies
Land.
Pause, and gather thought.

An open book,
A feathered pen.
An inkwell? No, a vein instead.



A spider crawled across my page:
Just look at all the mess it made!



Words in rows of
Fullstop beat,
Iambic hearts and
Couplet feet
Pursued my pen with stately rage:
They chased it straight across the page!

But now their quarry's quit and done, they
Slouch off sulking, one by one.
The brave remain, by choice or chance:
Words in rows to turn and dance!



*Crumpled words and jumbled wire
Catch askance and ****** afire--
Burst in terse and tumbled flame,
Cursed, my verses burn today.

Burst in terse and tumbled flame,
Verses never heard again
Return their words, inert and tame.
Cursed, my verses burn today.

Stop worrying about somebody,
     who isn't worried about you.
     Easy to say, but hard to do. It's true.
     Beaten, but by who?
Bitter grew on me buddy.
Staying up late to study.
     Changed my colors to black and blue.