too scared to keep moving and
forget what it was
there's no going back
i can't lose

can't see the stars tonight
if it were 2015 again
maybe it wouldn't be
all that painful

no, it would be
wouldn't it?

or maybe you would cry
endlessly
into the night
because you knew

back or forth in time
i would be gone
you would follow suit
no escape from our reality

and in your reality
did you ever really love me?

answers won't do good
can't bring back hours lost
or restitch the holes
where our wings used to be

we won't take off
but i will dry my tears
we won't exist any longer
but the stars are clearer up here

they're were always this bright
you would tell me

but i was too busy
looking
at you
wishing

for better dreams
holding my hand
feeling and
being

i didn't feel alive
except, you were so sure
wanted me there
staring at the sky

so i extended my arms, felt the taste of air and
i was

because you aren't coming back
i'll swallow my promise for good
i'm a train running off the track
but i'll never waste any food

i didn't care to eat too much
nor was i allowed
and if i put too much on my plate
i will finish it all somehow

***** once or three times on end
cause it doesn't feel right
force it back inside again
that's just love looks like

everything is going to be okay
still digging in; fork and knife
covering my ears makes it all fall away
for you, i'll devour life

There’s a song in my chest that’s clawing its way out
I don’t know what the fuss is about
I can’t scream and I can’t shout
It’s not like I ever knew how

Luring me right out of bed
Like the voice of the rising dead
It’s an itch in the back of my head
Telling me to just let it out, but instead

I keep it right at bay
All night long and everyday
For all the words I can’t say
What was it?
Well, looks like I can’t remember anyway

Dear First Love
Don't make this harder than it has to be
You remember all the words you said to me
Trying to make up for it with empathy
But I remember everything

Strangle me tightly with your dreams
Watch me burst at my seams
My tears flowing into streams
Oh, the sights I have seen

Now I've let you enter my spirit
And somehow you still can't hear it

I thought such a thing was inherent
But you look at me as if I'm transparent

You're so focused on capturing his heart
When your net is occupied by mine
I never really was all too smart
But I know you are my lifeline

Now I've let you enter my spirit
It's screaming and you still can't hear it

I just wanted to lay in your bed too
But you look at me as if I'm brand new

I can tell you're going to forget
Toying with my life
Leaving me with nothing but regret
I can tell you're going to leave
Even if you promised otherwise
It's okay if you want to revise
First love, dear

I have been everyone before
Projecting patterns onto myself
Black and every color imaginable

Sparking the flames that grow higher and higher
Burning me down to that of infinitesimal workings
Becoming nothing more than a solar flare in the mind electric

After years of abandoning the in-between
I straddle the border of systematic understanding and global comprehension
Because a bounded existence is only meaningful in the Kafkaëske

Forever seems like too long to hold your breath
Push yourself past the panic point
Reinvent the Renaissance

Stoking the flames that grow louder and louder
Relishing in untestable power
Instrumental labor setting foundation for the lyricists

The human condition adds fuel to the fire
Existence precedes essence, I have always been alive
Choose to ignore, invent inertia infinitely into inconsistent ignorance in immoral imagination

It’s showtime inside the cage; my consciousness is thrown away
Had there been a result; there would’ve been a reason
There’s a permeable permanence profoundly proving patience performed in particular patterns probably pierce perceivable perfection

Because I wish we had time to misunderstand each other
Wish we had time to dance around the elephant in the room
Wish I hadn’t been so excited
Wish we had time to play hard to get

Because I wish we had time to hate each other
Wish we tore at each other’s throats
Wish we called each other the worst names we could think of
Wish we pushed each other to the edge

Because I wish you were the razor in my bathroom
Wish you were the gratifying drops of blood
Wish you ran through my arteries
Wish I could spill out your love and pretend we never cared

Because I wish we had more time to be strangers
Because I wish we hadn’t fallen for messages and kind words
Because I wish we fell for the hideous jealousy and heinous thoughts
Because I wish you were my enemy, and that we hope each other rots

shards of my brain in tiny bits
lay scattered on my bed
don’t know what i did
but at least i still bleed red

angry lines all over my skin
the soap makes it sting
lock the doors so they can’t get in
bruised and sore, my throat will sing

music doesn’t sound right
it doesn’t fill my brain
i can’t sleep at night
not to the song of the rain

i hate my reflection
he says he loves me
just a few more injections
they say surgery will go smoothly

my bed frame is far too small
too many eyes everywhere
i try hiding but i’m far too tall
need to stop pulling my hair

too obsessed with lying
i never did do well in school
not sure when i stopped trying
but they played me for a fool

flinching at hands and dodging hugs
i’m not scared of anyone
throwing rocks and smashing bugs
just to see them squirm and run

three years ago you promised to marry me
I was only fourteen
not like that really
means anything

it never meant much to you
who was on the verge of something new
found time to spare; an hour or two
as long as all of us knew

and you
and me
and him
knew things could change like the wind

our trust was thick
but our blood, paper thin
and were all sick
still thought we could win

Austin, my city,
my concrete joy
Austin, have pity,
my sweet boy

maybe i should write back
you sent a message to which i never replied
even so i’d tell you a thousand lies
in reality, i cut you off and i don’t know why

maybe i should write back
cause you always had the best jokes
always had that charming knack
but never got to meet my folks

maybe i should write back
maybe the stars lost their shine
connecting planets in a thin line
a gossamer thread; the universe’s spine

maybe i should write back
i feel guilty just watching
hoping you’ll look and catch me gawking
i hope in my absence you continue talking

maybe i should write back
instead of leaving pages torn
in love was wear i had sworn
that i’ll walk because i was born

i’ll send you a message with no tact
no heart, no emotion, just paper flat
making excuses for the bravery i lack
maybe i should write a letter back