Mania. Everything was good when you were with me.
I felt normal. The chains bolted to my eyelids where magically gone, like the money in your bank account after a heavy, drunken, stupor & forthright gambling spree.
The spear in my side that your twin brother, depression, threw inside me was no longer twisting up my insides. Thank you.
This feels like a goodbye letter but I'm actually trying to hold on to you. You give me life. Your twin takes it away and he rash-burns my face in it.
I was accomplishing all the things; skipping from one stone to the next without feat. "Flutter your wings and dance," is your motto.
But like all good things, you drive me away, knowing that I'll see you again.
Try as I might, I remain faithful to you, but you commit adultery every week.
Sometimes you demand my time, even when I'm low. I cry for hours with your natural dichotomy, not because I can't decide--I can--but because you and your twin rip me apart in twain, changing my reality as sure as the rain falls in the Amazon.
The demons call out to me, whispering evil into my mind. I believe every evil thing when I am not armed with your brilliance. I lose that perspective, every time, and sometimes immediately.
Your twin brother and cousin visit me early in the morning right before bed time. If my doubts and fears are real, then my mind's eye is experiencing a real reality, and thus I am as I feel, like a plastic bag tumbling in the wind.
Yet, everyone reminds me that I am but a joke and a comic, one which not even you can trust.
The biggest asset I lose when you choose to cheat on me is your energy--that precious flow that bears my creative passion.
But now I am barren, an unfit conduit that is incapable of maintaining that flow. The demon upon me powerfully weaves its tapestry of sludge that encases my mind.
My mind, it's the only thing I have left. And yet, I can never trust it.
You've lied to me before and you'll lie to me in the future.
But for now, I'll have to make do with your half-truths.
Until next time.
30 December 2017 - My brain-dump on bipolar mania during an episode of depression. I am a rapid cycler and I deal with the ups and downs of bipolar disorder teetering on hypomania and depression every couple of weeks, often falling prey to the mixed state, ripping my mind through the heartbeats of time.