“You don't understand it's different from last time”
“How?”
“Well you see last time I wanted to hurt myself.”
“Well?”
“Well ya see it's different then?”
“How? It sounds like you're better now.”
“How? When this is what we're talking about!”  
“I guess I don't understand then.”
“Seem so.”

I feel gone like if I lick my lips I'm not really there and if I pinch my skin (which I won't cause I promised I wouldn't hurt myself this time) I wouldn't feel it not even a little I feel like the forgotten penny in the couch cushions and one day someone'll find me but no one'll be too excited

Add a little pressure
To the edges of my vision
And watch how I keep onto the sharp images even if they become awry
I've got a story in my heart and today I'm leaving for the weekend
Going on a roadtrip except it's in my head and I can't drive even though I could if I wanted to
And tomorrow I’ll be so socially and emotionally intelligent you’ll be so impressed
My mother will smile again
So slightly will her lips part and their edges face toward the sun
Face toward her son
A little boy with no place to choose
I’ll show you all
I’m not alone and I’m not afraid to lose
I’m a dog and a bandit
I miss you in the sandbox
I miss the bucket you would bring because I never had my own
But also
I miss you

sleep blessed sleep oh blessed sleep dripping from rainclouds that are so heavy on the eyelids that you can’t help but sit there like sitting in the shower basin with the hot water just trampling over you like a stampede of majestic animals like ghosts they're nice
it's nice to get some sleep lie alone for hours on end just flashing by when i close my eyes some days it's harder to get there but then i just cry like the rainclouds and then i feel the peace of a gentle sleep whistling in the air like ocean breeze shushing me to sleep
it’s easy to compete with the birds that can only tweet and i can be a beauty and a beast and a dancer and a creep
it’s a little sip of utter bliss that is more blissful than any sip of coffee or other synthetic energy

i'm not ******* i didn't mean to
it was just easier to not say anything just go along just nod my head and i know this way i have lied the way my father and mother may and that i am not successful nor true to what i want or may want or definitely want
i didn't mean to lie why did i

there's no hurry
time will hold your hand, anxious child
there's nowhere to run
so why feel like running
your corpse will take over you soon enough don't let that be now
the more life you exhale the closer you are to losing your inhale but i promise you you're the basic windmill
You’re literally a caterpillar you’re every table in the world you’re me if i was a girl you’re a piano buried beneath the lighthouse
Calm the **** down
We're all timebombs; we're all ticking
we're all counting moments down and thinking
imagining when we could be speaking

The boom of the explosions outside my window do not wake me
Never again will they wake me, for my bones are too dusty
And the air will not fill me
It is a chasm of disasters in here
Open the windows let it air out
Let me out
Let the sound echo no longer
I am long gone
I am farther than I have ever been
I'm cold now, I'm hollow
One fight and we’re battleships sailing across the seas
To entangle in arguments so deadly we’ll both be hurt
So vicious I swear we were feral dogs in the moment so--
I’m sorry
I didn’t mean to
Deep inside I want you so close but your face--
It just tears me apart it
Revives every memory of the hurt
and my bitterness explodes out my fingertips around your throat
I--
I hate you.