There is a boy
He reminds me of a sunset

He reminds me of the snow

He reminds me of a puppy

His personality is colourful
Yet peaceful

He's cuddly
And playful

He is
As his name

Your love comes in waves

One minute you need me
The next you don't even want me

You kiss me
And touch me

Sometimes with love
Others with lust

Our love is tearing me apart
But I can't leave
For you have my heart
And won't give it back

Step one
Say hi

Step two
Don't lie

Step three
Get to know them

Step four
Don't start ignoring him

Step five
Don't push or shove

Step six
Don't fall in love

You make my life livable

You make my smile believable

You make my laugh true

You make me happy

But the thought of you one day being gone makes me sad

But based on my reputation I'll be fine

Based on my reputation I'll move on soon

Based on my reputation you won't matter after a few days

But reputations lie

Because if you were gone my life will be less bearable

Because if you were gone my smile would always be fake

Because if you were gone I would never be able to truly laugh

Because if you were gone my smile would disappear

I love you more than anyone before
So if you were gone my heart would shatter completely

It would forever be in pieces

I am now fourteen

I am at the age where boys high five each other for no longer being a ******

I am at the age where girls gossip about *** and squeal about the details

I am now at the age where people will ask me if I am still pure

But when they ask me I don't know what to say

For if I say no they will ask me how I lost it
But I don't want to say
For I didn't lose it to someone I love
I didn't lose it to a cute guy or girl like you
I lost it on several occasions in the darkness of my room
I lost it in the shower of my own home
I lost it over and over again for four years
I lost it to my father

I didn't lose it the way others did
For I lost it on nights where my mom and dad fought
I first lost it at nine

Every time he would touch me
Or **** me
I would pretend to be asleep
Unless it happened in the shower

I would pretend to be asleep because I didn't know what else to do
For I was afraid to go against him
Because he yelled and hit me and my brother if he even suspected we did something wrong
So every night after he would leave my room I would open my eyes as tears cascaded my cheeks
My heart overflowing with nothing but misery
And my mind filled with nothing but fear

When he would touch me in the shower I would go along with it for I couldn't do anything else
I lived in fear for many many years
Even before he started to touch me

So when people ask me if I am a ****** I don't know what to say
For if I say yes I am lying
And if I say yes I have to explain

And every night I lay awake in fear of sleep
For if I sleep he will once again haunt me in my dreams
So I only sleep during the early morning when the sun first starts shining

And when I have to shower I stand in the water
Fighting away tears
Fighting away fear
Fighting away the memories

I didn't lose it the way others do
I didn't lose it to someone I love

I lost it to the person who was supposed to protect me

I lose it to the person who was supposed to love me
But not in that way

I lost it to my own father
Over
And over
Again
And again

Until I finally told someone

Until I finally left him behind

But he still haunts my thoughts every hour
Every day

For ever and ever

Because even though he's no longer physically there
He still haunts me

So no
I am not a ******
For my innocence was stolen long ago
Along with my heart and soul

I'm sorry I pushed you too far
That last night

You were hurting
And so was I
But I hurt you more
And pushed you too far

You couldn't take it anymore
Everyone mad
Everyone leaving
Everyone disappointed
Angry
Annoyed
You just couldn't take it anymore

So on that last night
You told me you did it again
I thought you had stopped
But that night you relapsed
I got mad
I was sad

I yelled at you
Over text of course
For it was long distance
So I couldn't really be there for you in the way you needed

You told me you wanted to die

I was mad

I said go ahead

I ended the skype call

I cried myself to sleep

Then I woke up and said sorry
But all I got in reply was
'He's no longer here'

So now I sit here
Remembering you
Fighting away tears

I don't want people to ask why I'm crying
For I pushed you over the edge
I pushed you a little too far
And now every once in awhile
I wake up in tears

For I remember your fears
They were losing everyone you loved

One of them was losing me or me bring mad at you

That last night I ignored your fears
And pushed you too far

Now I sit here fighting away tears
Whispering silently in my thoughts
'I'm sorry'

When I was little
I didn't really have friends

When I was little
I never had much fun
For I was depressed by six

When I was little
I didn't wish for ponies or dresses
I wished for protection or some way to escape

When I was little
I didn't fantasize about magical lands and unicorns
I fantasized about safe nights and days free of yelling

When I was little I wasn't scared of the monsters under my bed
For they were my friends
I was scared of the monster who I called dad

When I was little I never got homesick
I got sick of home

When I was little
I had a childhood
But not for long

Drowning in thought

Drowning in memories

Everyday I'm drowning
And no one seems to see

Finally leaving
Finally gone

My time has come
For me to leave

Not forever
For I shall visit

But not for awhile

The time has come for me to go

To go back to my mom
To go back to my brother

Finally leaving
Finally gone

Don't miss me for I shall visit
But instead stay in touch
And don't forget me

I will still need you time to time
Don't cry for my absence
Instead smile for hope of my next visit

I will not disappear
So do not fear
For I shall visit
Every once in awhile

So don't cry
Smile

No food
No sleep
I can't let these things reach out and speak sweet lies
I can't let food call my name
I can't let sleep drown my thoughts

I shouldn't eat
I can't sleep

This is me

I am broken girl
Who can't eat
In fear I weigh too much

I am a broken girl who can't sleep
For my thoughts and memories
Haunt me too much

I am a broken girl who answers 'how are you?'
With 'I'm alright' even when I'm not even close
Because I don't want you to worry
I don't want you to fret
Over a broken soul

I am a broken girl who says 'I have been busy'
when someone asks me why I haven't done something
I have been busy just not in the way they think
I have been busy trying not to give into hunger
I have been busy fixating on how I'm broken
I have been busy
But not in the way they think

I am a broken girl who has let her demons
creep up on her too much

I am a broken girl who has surrendered
her soul

I am a broken girl who dates so she feels
worth something because I don't when I'm alone

I date because I need to depend on someone
Because I am not dependable for anyone
Let alone myself

I date so I can hear someone say I love you
So I can hear someone call me beautiful
Cute
Amazing
And so many other things
Even if I don't believe it

I am a broken girl who has lost so many relationships
Five to death
And so many others just because they left
I was no longer good enough
No longer happy enough
No longer
PRETENDING

I am a broken girl who pretends
And when I stop people leave

Because I am too broken

I am too clingy

I am too demanding

I'm just not enough

Or I'm too much

THIS IS ME

But no one sees
Until I let them

And when I do they worry

But please don't worry
Because you didn't when you didn't know
So why worry now?

I'm still the same me
You just couldn't see all the flaws that my eyes do

You don't see the way I do

I see a girl who's eyes are too big

I see a girl who isn't thin enough

I see a girl who's hair doesn't suit her no matter what

I see a girl with too many scars

I see a girl
But I don't

For all I can see now is a walking flaw

And no one knows that
THIS IS ME

Green eyes

Fair skin

Dark hair

Not chubby
Not thin

Dark humor

Dark clothes

Black room

Red flaws

This is my imagination