She's a ride or die
while her bills are paid by
the man she is with
she wants the grocery list
and the nights out, covered
by his monthly check
or better yet
she doesnt even know
how he manages to get by,
to provide
for her lifestyle.
Its been a while
since he did anything for himself
because
her happiness is the only issue
she'll take off the shelf
and if he isnt happy its his fault
just for trusting
in her presence,
her support,
her unconditional love of him
thats only there
when he can still give her something
and even if he can't
she'll take it
through the system.
When he's kicked out
she wont miss him
but his money,
its her security
and without it
he's worth nothing.

The hunger,
control,
focus.
The discipline,
illusion
of ground gained.
Pain
turned
numb.
Starving,
violent
retaliation.

It feels
like it did then.
Like they're
tired of me again.
Done with dealing
with the ghosts
that haunt me.
The moments
that left me just a little
too broken
on the inside
to ever be how I was.
Tired of a man
expressing his emotions
like they want
but not how they like.
Tired of my
flaws.
Im not perfect,
and they deserve
perfect.

And
he
never
trusted
anyone
ever
again.
The end.



They'd call him paranoid, insecure, and controlling, but he was just drowning, suffocating, and afraid of the pain of losing everything, again and again and again, let down by those he cared for most. Lied to, played. Everytime he let someone in.
He'd always be the "bad guy" if it meant protecting his heart from that old abyss.
I guess people think they are entitled to being trusted. Go earn it.

And suddenly
this life had meaning,
there was reason
to suffer on,
to try and heal,
to be present
for the moments
of wholeness
when she is there.
My fingers
tangled in her hair.

That moment
you realize
you were never a priority
like they were for you.
You fall inward.
Heart collapsed.
Closed off and cold.
If they wanted to
they would.
If they valued you
for more
than what you can provide
to them,
they would
show it.
Seek independence.
Seek Equality.

She says she'll love me always
but her feelings don't last forever.
She likes me around on lonely days
till she finds someone better.
She's a user,
I'm a lover,
I'm a loser,
she wants another.
She tells me
I get too attached,
but when I want space
she feels attacked.