My heart is beating too fast
It's like you're alive again
With a gun in your mouth
Or a knife in your hand
A half bottle worth of pills in your mouth
And my heart is beating too fast
Hoping you'll take every other beat for yourself
But you're gone
But the feeling still lingers
But I wasn't enough
But my heart is beating too fast

*The Suicide Diaries

I'm on your level again
Down at the bottom of the cliff
Broken but alive
Blood trickling out of
The corner of my mouth
Slack-jawed and crying
I followed you off the edge
But you didn't catch me
I caught you a thousand times
But you didn't catch me

*The Suicide Diaries

Life is heavy
It sits behind my eyes
On my shoulders
In my chest
Sometimes the weight of it
Gets to be too much
And I find myself gasping for breath
But then I go home
Or as close to one as I have
And he smiles at me
Over a smoking bowl
Tells me stories that he didn't know he had
Curls up around me
Listens to me breathe
And in the dark and the silence
Ear pressed against his chest
His heartbeat steady
I can rest
And everything feels that much lighter

All I want is a love
Like the one we created from nothing
Though it was but a fantasy
It was beautiful
I've searched for something like it
But nothing compares
We fabricated something so perfect
So real
So precious
I'm afraid I'm still reeling from its loss
I'm afraid that I can't start over again
I love you and resent you
You gave me everything that I wanted
Then stole it away
And I miss you
I really do miss you

The thought of you
Leaves a bitter feeling in my chest
I miss you when we lived behind lies
Pretty pictures to help us get by
Back when I loved you in a way I can no longer find
I miss you, love
I miss you so much

Each day I wake up and I'm smiling
Because I'm one day closer to finally dying
Life isn't so hard if you stop trying
Look happy baby, no one cares if you're crying
I light my cigarette and I take a deep breath
With smoke in my lungs I can finally rest
They tell me it'll **** me, ask me if its worth it
I tell them if it does that would be perfect
I'm tired of living always looking down
Picking pieces of myself up off the ground
I knew a man who finally got out
Of this world made of agony, that's all it's about
A handful of pills and he floated away
Left me in hell to live another day
I told him that without him I wouldn't survive
Yet somehow each morning I wake up alive
It isn't fair that he left me out here alone
Just a few months befor he was meant to come home
Home where he finally would've been okay
It's a shame his own demons came to take him away
I begged him to stay
He couldn't take it one more day
If it hurts it helps
More than anything else
Another cut another bruise another burn
I'm a hypocrite that will never learn
Pushing ideas on everyone else
Begging them to live when I can't convince myself
So I'll keep breathing even when it hurts
Going on with the knowledge that it only gets worse
Just remember that you're living a lie
Life is **** and then you ******* die

*The Suicide Diaries