I got a glimpse of what I'm going to be
Last winter, a year ago
When I trekked New York City and bought
A pair of suede shoes and cursed
That statue of Abraham Lincoln in the
District of Columbia

I'm only getting answers now;
The questions are up to me
And there's a whole lot of freedom
When the Devil comes begging for mercy and
The world bows to do your bidding because there
Is nothing more powerful than a person
Who knows their mettle

I have a long road of lefts and right, curves and dead ends, *** holes and hills, life.

I still scream at myself hoping that I will be done growing.
But the cracks in my voice, keep reminding me that I'm no leader. I'm no independent grown-up. No matter how much I want to be.

People tell me to enjoy my youth while I can, But how can I enjoy something that's basically impossible to enjoy.

I'm tired of hearing that it gets better.
I'm tired of waiting for a journey that I've already packed for.
I'm ready to leave. I'm ready to go.
I'm looking for a "start over" or "restart",

life's not a game, you can't start over whenever you want. There's no cheat codes to make it easier.
There's no princess that needs to be saved.
If there was, I'd be it.
It'd be all of us.

Far, far away
In the land of the ******,
Sat a man on a throne
With a crown in his hand.

He dares not wear it,
He fears for his life.
For he know that his bloodline
Is of violent strife.

But he keeps getting pushed,
And told that he must,
For the people need rules,
And laws covered in dust.

He tells them than 'no,
I am not for this job,
Find another, who's weaker-
His life of him rob.'

But the people persist,
And therefore, in the end,
The man puts the crown on,
To kinghood ascends.

He lived in that land
Ruling over the ******,
But his time's at an end
I have the upper hand.

I come to him at night,
And whisper in his ear,
I tell him of things
That one should never hear.

And so, this new king,
With a crown on his head
Knew he would not survive
Whispers of the dead.

I shall greet him tomorrow
Where his kindred are banned
And together we'll rule
In the land of the ******.

Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Literally
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love

A pen
A paper
A tired weary theme

Fingers
A keyboard
A dimly lit screen

A quill
And ink
A blurry midnight dream

I've spent time with you
Around your friends
Alone
You seemed so great
Like you cared for me too
But it's all just a ******* lie
Isn't it?
You never really liked me
Did you?
.....
Didn't think so.

the other day, I borrowed the face of a happy man,
it helped me get through the day, for that there's no doubt.
when outside, it didn't wash off, not even with rain
yet when I got home, it came off quickly, but not without pain.

I feel empty without it, a husk of a being,
and it gets harder to put on with each coming day.
it begins to feel stolen, no longer borrowed, it must be said,
I put on a brave face, whilst on the inside, I am dead.

I sometimes wish people would only know my true face,
I wonder if they would still like me, or think me a disgrace.
I wish I didn't have to borrow the face, to keep on going,
but I won't stop wearing it, to keep them from knowing.

People like me will love you so hard
That you turn into stone
Don't fall in love with people like me
People like me will kiss you in every beautiful place
So that you never can go back to them
Without tasting us
Like blood in your mouth
Don't come any closer,
People like me are
Bombs!

Don't fall in love with people like me
We will forget our names
if it means learning yours

The pain is a gift
you will get lost
in the desperation
in the longing for something
that is always reaching but
never able to hold

We will never learn how to be soft
Tame me down
and conquer people like me.