The emotions
I couldn’t learn how to feel
My head and face, my hands began to peel
An inner world reflected, the damage too real

Stimming, the name to excuse it
If I keep this up
I might lose it

This is how I dealt with things in the first place
Funny how its all in my head
When there’s scars on my face

The curls are cut and gone
The past falls away
Swept up with a broom

Pent up in my room
Slowly changing
Long hair
And short sleeves
To sweatshirts
Rearranging

A beanie to cover up
The dread I feel
Looking in the mirror
I hope to see change
But I don't know what of

This is my dysphoria

I guess I wish
It was something I didn’t miss
But I do
But I don’t
But I do

Certain thoughts
Make my memory sing

When we were a thing

Count to seven

Why seven?

1.
Oh cause it's an odd number
Well I'm already odd
That's why I ******* got here
In the first place

2. Are you an idiot?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Yes...
I want to change
But who can prove
I won't change back

3.
I can't think anything
Besides the thing I hate
It's hard to to focus on the hurt it's causing
When I feel so lost without it

4.
I never wanted this for myself
Worrying every moment
About every calorie
If any at all
So desperate that the John becomes my friend
My guilt disappears with a flush
But the guilt of dying
And slowly leaving the ones you love
Stays fresh

5.
It's not getting better

6.
I can't do it by myself

7.
I have to get help

Realizing how deep the cut is
Knowing it can't be fixed over night
Crying all day
Putting up a fight

A fight that can't be won
A fight against my self
Put me in a box
And place me on a shelf

Away from the world
That was so cruel to me
Let me out when it's safe
When I can be free

From what I never wanted
From putting up a fight
Because during war
Nothing ends right

Hearts get broken...
Friends get killed...
Health goes down...
You pop the pills...

But nothing

Not even one thing gets better
Until you learn to live
With your ills

One day
The black and white
Will turn to gray
And you will accept
Nothing has disappeared
Nobody has left

You've passed the test

Strap me down
Tell me no
When I struggle
Punish me

Tickle my sides
Use your fingernails
Make me scream
And beg for mercy

Reward me
When I'm good
But make me ask nicely

Make me blush
Make me pout
Make me cry

Blindfold me
So I don't know what's coming
Gag me
So I can't say a word

Have your fun
You're in charge

I'm yours for the night

Shh
Shush
Shut up
Shut up!
Stop it!
Will you just
Listen
Why does everybody talk and nobody listen?
I know! I know...
You have the right
But it seems the only progress is made by the people who
Talk and talk and talk and talk
They rake in the votes and the likes
but they never once thought if it was just...
or right
"You're a socialist!" "Gays are ruining this country!" "You want to be class president, not with that fat ***" -
DO YOU HEAR YOURSELVES
What is supposed to bring us together is tearing us apart
Differences need to be celebrated, not feared
When is the last time you complemented someone's hair?...
Or smiled at them in the hallway?...
But no
It's only about what you think, what you feel, what you want, what you say
What... you... say...
That's all you'll care about
Until you start to listen

You come back every so often
And try to catch me in your trap
But I have firmly stuck my walls in place
So **** it, and don't come back

Your calm voice ignores my order
You say we need each other, you refuse to leave me be
But last time you declared I needed you the most
Oh the irony

To be or not to be
That's the question right?
Well I'm going to "be" and you're going to leave
Get out of my sight

What am I?

Well…
I can tell you what I’m not.

I’m not popular
I’m not funny
Nobody likes me

I’m not cool
I’m clumsy
I’m huge…

I’m fat
Not skinny
I drown myself in food

It tastes so good
When people’s words taste so bad

What else can I do?
It’s my only comfort
It’s my only friend
I shovel
    Shovel
       Shovel
The tasty sugary, salty, buttery goodness into my mouth
It’s my safe place

Until

My delicious heaven turns into a guilty hell
I realize my error
The food is the cause
It adds on to my suffering
People are starting to notice

So what do I do?

I eliminate it completely
I ignore my needs
I deny my suffering

Why?

Because someone actually called me beautiful
So I keep going

Trips to the doctor grow in size
They have my cure
It will surely be my downfall
I’ll return to where I was before
I ignore their words

Why?

To keep my crisp jawline
My flat stomach
My skinny legs
My stick arms
Because this is beautiful

I keep going

I walk miles on end
My crackling lips are thirsty
However my mind is thirstier
To get that beach body
But I can’t do that
If I don’t put anything in

You can see my bones
My hair is brittle
I can’t breathe
I’m absent from school
I’m dying…

But I can’t see it
I don't want to see it
This... is beautiful
I’m glowing
But I can no longer look in the mirror
I’m still not good enough
I have to be perfect

I keep going

Until I can't anymore
I can't get out of bed
I can only carry one binder in my backpack
I have to stop
I need to stop
But it's impossible on my own

I get help

And here I am
Telling my story

People love me
People care
Those who don't, don't matter
I have style
I’m talented
I'm beautiful on my own
Without my poison

I'm a woman
Not a joke
Not a treat
Not a barbie
I'm not something you can own
You can't throw me around
I work hard
I love
I breath
I'm a living soul
If someone says "Why don't you join the ladies in the kitchen?"
I grow with...
Rage
Saddness
Defeat
Because I'm a human being...
Not a servant
So watch out sexists
On either side
Because no gender is above the other
Not smarter
Not stronger
Not worth more
So why can't we all get along!?
Well... The world sticks to its beliefs
We can't make someone change their mind unless they want to
But I'll be here to stand up for what's right
I'm a woman
And I'm coming at you fast

Pulled off a speeding train
Singing without vocal cords
Coloring outside the lines
A back flip with no practice
A book with no words
Walking without legs
A joke that's not funny
Tinsel without sparkle
A broken arm with no cast
...
All these words describe
You
Me
And the distance between us
...
An "I miss you" doesn't cover it
The deep hole in my chest
The heavy pit in my stomach
The sad streams down my face
Can show you how it feels
But again...
Impossible to explain
...
I love you
I need you
But until I come home
Let's both stay strong

Pulled away from
Home
    Family
       Friends
          Love
             Likes
                Losses
                   Hopes
                      Questions
                         Answers
                            Dreams
                               Trying
                                 Wining
                                     Faking...
Because I'm broken
Yet, I'm going to be fixed
The real question is... Do I want to be?
I've held onto problems, trying to pretend they weren't there
Digging myself an even deeper hole
To a point where it's almost impossible to get out
...
I can't shrug off reality forever
I can't always be fine...
Unless fine is in the ground
Six
  Feet
    down
I've wanted to end it... one swipe or pop and it'd be over...
But I could never do that to the ones who've
   Been my rock
      Held me up
         Threw away my poison's
           Took on my sorrows
             Made me smile
                Gave me hope
I AM getting better for them
I WILL leave for them
And when I'm through, I'll walk out smiling...
...
I am NOT an eating disorder.
I'm just a girl who has one
I've made up my mind...
I will win.

The day unravels with a calm whisper
Blanketed by the warm embrace of soft spoken words
Your smile radiates through the crowds and sets a mood that could never crumble
Reality has no place here
You're safe for now.
...
The minute you're alone it sets in...
Calm whispers play back as ****** cries
Soft spoken words that blanketed now throw you into the cold.
Why should you smile?
This is reality...

But you try to make it right again the next day
Because... Where could you run to?
You are stuck in this countless circle till the end of time.

Since we were younger our days stretched hours on end
We learned that a long day, added to a long week, a long month, a long year, and farther
But we get stuck in a reality that goes through the motions
We become numb
Unable to keep up
Stressing perfection
Caught up in our own lives
Our own bubbles
We cycle over and over and over, till there's nothing left
Not once to realize the time tick by
Not once seeing our hair turn grey
Not once glancing around us
Until... It's time to say our goodbyes
We feel... unfinished
There's so much more to do
Why was there such a long wait...
For nothing
Why is life being cut short?
We try to defy this reality
In the end...
Our bubbles pop
Just like the ones before us
And our mist...
Destined for some place unknown

Can you see me?

Yes. You’re beautiful... I wish I looked like you.

No… The real me... Look closer.

What do you mean?

Look… At my eyes.

They’re… Blue?

Closer…

You have… Dark circles under them?

Yes…

So you’re tired?

What else.

Um… your eyes aren’t just blue... They’re glossy.

Yes.

Are you sick?

Yes.

Are you okay?

No… but that’s not the point. Look closer… Look at my face.

I told you. You look beautiful…

Closer.

You’re very thin… Do you diet?

Something like that…

Tell me your secret!

You didn’t look close enough…

Excuse me?

Look closer…

Uh… You’re hair. You're hair is well kept.

What else.

It’s… brown?

Touch it.

Touch… your hair?

Just do it.

Oh… It’s so brittle.

Yes.

Why…?

Forget it… Look closer.

You’re...shaking.

Yes…

Are you cold?

More than that...

What's wrong?

Everything…

Oh...I'm so sorry..

Don't be… Just…

What?

You called me beautiful…

Yes...

Do you still wish you looked like me?... At this cost?

No…

Remember this…Always look closer.

I will.

Always look closer… Always.

What have you done to me?
I was once strong and witted, but now, I find myself falling to my knees.
The world has come to a halt.
Every direction I turn, leads back to you.
When I'm close, I feel like an unzipped coat on a cold winter day.
I scold myself for letting my guard down.
But then you come closer... And wash away my worries, sorrows, and plagues.
Your touch is the best medicine.
Your smile is my sunlight.
Your quirks are so beautiful.
I want to spend every minute with you...
You'll never know how much you truly mean to me.
I love you.

I’m in love with him.
But he’ll never see it.
He doesn’t know my heart breaks when he smiles.
That slice of joy could never belong to me.
Anyone he loves, I nod my head and approve… they could be the nicest person, but I can only imagine me and him. I try to push the thought away and be happy for them.
Inside, I want to turn his head toward mine.
But it would only ruin what we share. The indescribable love between two good friends.
I scold myself for being selfish.
Wanting to ruin the connection and attach a bigger link.
I hide behind the fantasy that it could work.
I wear a mask that conceals my wishes.
When I place it over my face, my heart is crushed.
But I brush it off, for I never should have let myself fall… with no one coming to catch me.

You’re right there.
Why can’t I reach out to touch you?
Hold me, and say it’s okay…
But when I blink, you ripple.
You’re really miles away

I’m losing my mind.
All I can do is keep quiet and smile…
When I talk to you I feel safe, I can relax for a while…

As soon as you leave, it sets in again.
All I ever was, was an empty tin.
I was once filled with joy and hope.
Never questioning the struggles of holding my head high and learning to cope…

My fears, and thoughts are reaching in all directions.
I shout for them to leave me be.
They have no business latching onto me.

But what can I do?
What can I say?
It’s not like this would make sense to you anyway…

Because I am my own destroyer...
My own butcher...
My own killer…

You yell “Don’t give up! You can do this!”
But I have already given in.
My mind's made up.
That’s where this all started,
That’s where it’ll  end.
If I convince myself I’ll be okay for a little while,
I’m only playing pretend.

We’ll see where this ends...

But when I see your smile this whole cycle starts over again.
I'm doing this for you,
You're the reason I don't stop fighting,
the reason I make amends,
So real, this could never be pretend.

You're there through thick and thin.
I could never thank you enough,

My friend

Your eyes turn the colorful world you once knew, into a menacing, grey-scaled, wonder, from which you in no way, under any circumstances, could be pulled.
Your thoughts drag you into a never ending obis which drain the purpose from your lungs and the words from your lips.
You long to hold someones hand, but the only support is the railing, which you grip with such a force your knuckles turn the shade of table salt.
The realization that you are on your own...
sinks in.
You make your way down the hallway,
with such determination, you could burn cities, topple skyscrapers.
The hope of surfacing is washed away,
you need help... but do you want it?
No, you don't want the never ending burden to be ****** onto the ones that you care so much about.
A burning feeling fills your ribs and clots your torso with panic as you sink to the floor.
Curling into a shell of what you once were...
Or would be... you can't make out the real or the fake.
...
Finally, you emerge back into the static world you were once in. Reassuring your eyes with color, the world seems no longer separated from your grasp...
Your friends, family, and everything you care about stand sharp in your mind... they never left you...
Why did you try to leave them?